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Can anyone help me understand somewhat why our grandson's mother wants to isolate him?

She doesn't want him around other children, day care or school. He loves other kids and being a part of the action.

Hello HisMom  *welcome*,

Unfortunately isolation is one of the favorite tactics of BPD mothers. I was raised by a BPD mother myself and have experienced this firsthand. Like not being able to use the telephone without her interfering, not being allowed to leave the house etc. Your grandson is still very young but in my experience BPD mothers isolate their children for two main reasons:

1. To make it easier to control them

2. And/or because BPD moms want all the attention focused on themselves

As an outsider looking in it is very difficult to understand why BPD mothers are often so controlling and jealous of other people getting attention. Perhaps this controlling behavior gives them a sense of stability because they feel like they can’t control any other aspects of their life but now at least they can control their children. Having all attention focused on them may give them a sense of self-worth and seeing other people get attention is something they might find threatening. Another very troubling explanation for their controlling behavior can sometimes be that they have sadistic traits and actually ‘enjoy’ hurting their children. You say that your grandson loves being around other kids and being part of the action, maybe his mom senses that and enjoys taking away this thing that he loves. Do you feel like any of these explanations might be valid for your grandson’s mother?

Hi, HisMom.

I am sorry to hear your grandson's mother seems to be isolating him from others. I would be worried about that, too, if it were my grandchild. Socializing is very important for children.

Kwamina has some good thoughts about why this may be happening. People who have BPD often view their children as extensions of themselves, without being able to see that the children have feelings and needs of their own. Many people with BPD lack empathy skills, especially when their own needs feel overwhelming to them. These resources might have some additional information that can help you:

Workshop - BPD: Problematic mothering/parenting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65426.0)

TOOLS: When are the children of a BPD parent at risk? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=97979.0)

How often do you get to spend time with your grandson? Are his parents still together?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Thank you for your responses. My son and this young lady are not together. They are sharing

custody, so we get to see the little one regularly. I feel this is one thing that helps him tremendously is not being in the situation 24/7. Our human services are working to get him in counseling even at this young age.

Kwamina, what you say makes sense, even as a young baby she'd take him from the room under the pretense of feeding him when things were getting fun in a family setting and then be upset that he didn't want to eat but wanted to come out where everyone was.

My uBPDm acts like a 2 year old with a toy--mine mine mine. Like others said, she may not see that he's a person with real feelings, just an object at her disposal.