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So I have been detached for 2 years in August. That is when I filed for divorce. I basically need to live separately but appart for 2 years before the divorce process can start. I try to limit conversation as much as possible. I just at the chance to spend alone time with my kids when ever she wants to go out with her friends. Eat in seperate rooms, watch Tv in seperate areas of the house, NO time in the car together, no going out as a family, no family pictures.

It has its downs especially in the first year. The cycles of the disease runs its course. Right now we are in a period where there isn't any active fighting. These usually only last a few weeks before she invents something new in her mind. The last one was where she accused me of going somewhere instead of being at work. I finally got it out of her that she wrote down my miles and it was over 100 in her mind. When she gave me the numbers I realized she wasn't considering the last diget is tenths... . No apology, she even escalated. ":)eal with the effects of your poor decisions" she said... . maddening

I am finding lately I am experiencing a LOT of flashbacks. eg:

If I hear a door open in the middle of the night my heart jumps out of my skin.

If I hear the house creak it makes me think the wife is coming in 'to talk'

Txt messages set me off

If I see her phone number call me at work

I need to stay after work for a bit

I want to have a dinner with the few friends I still have without my son as a chaperon

So many triggers and they seem to be hitting me really hard lately. Even as she has been being nice for the past few weeks, it takes everything in me to just have a 2 minute conversation. Today was my 14 year anniversary and I was in a panic that she would bring it up. ( she didn't ) 14 long years of unhappy. I guess it is my brains way to tell me to stay the course and go through with the divorce even though she is being nice.

It sounds like a nerve-wracking way to live. What strikes me is that you say you are waiting for the fighting to start again. Maybe this in itself is causing you to be so jumpy, because you're not worn down by fighting... . A bit PTSD-like? Certainly I think it can be part of winding down from a long period of high tension. I used to get this between relationship recycles (and usually went back because I was physically and mentally worn down... .  )

 stay strong! You're almost there and the situation can only get easier when you're not tiptoeing around each other.

I'm sorry for the suffering. It's very hard.  Almost all of us have PTSD, but it varies in intensity.  Are you seeing a T?   

I found that mindfulness meditation and yoga have done wonders.  Basic exercise doesn't hurt either. 

But most importantly, to write on the board and become validated.  Have our pain, abuse, anguish and betrayal validated.  And then to have our experience, strength and hope in recovery provide us with hope and faith. 

I don't know your specifics, but I understand triggers and flashbacks.  My ex planted mint in my garden and I can't even pull it out fast enough.  So I've had to live with it   

My entire existence was walking on egg shells and it's taken time to find myself again.  It takes time, but we can do it.  Recovery is possible.  In fact, so many do recover it's I would say probable, if we are willing to put in the effort.  I have faith that we will do it together.

in support

T

Thank you both for your kind words. I know I am on the right track, it will just take time.

It truly is amazing to read all of the stories that seem to come from the same script. It's like watching the same movie over and over with different actors.