BPDFamily.com

My uBPD friend and I have been getting on extremely well this year.  Since he's started to open up to me a bit more.

However a fortnight a go we hit a bit of a bumpy patch... . We'd been out on the Tuesday with friends and had a great day / fun together. So much so it almost seemed we were a couple.  Then on the Friday night we went Bowling (just the two of us). Whilst we were chatting I rolled a cigarette... . At the end of the first bowling game I said I'd go up to the counter and ask them to reset the machine... . I noticed him stand up and look over as I was doing it. I came back and said it's busy, I'll go back in a minute. 

Once again I went up and he stood up looking over again. I thought okay he thinks I'm going out for a fag.  It was still busy so I came back... . The third time it was quiet so I went up and came back and he was sweating and said where's the toilet so I showed him and he was in there for a good 30 - 45 minutes...

I didn't make a fuss when he came out just acted normal.  When we'd finish the last game he was ringing for a lift home before I'd even finished my drink or changed my shoes etc... He was in a rush and said he had to go home and study.

I went home feeling a bit miffed - I knew he didn't like me smoking but I didn't even have a cigarette.  I thought I'd test the water and send him a joke message to see if he'd reply. He didn't... .

On the Sunday a group of us were meeting up. I said to my friends on the way I don't think X is happy with me - see how he acts today.   He turned up late (as usual) was very off and made some nasty comments towards me. I said to my friend "see the difference from Tuesday?" She said "Yes it's funny". I'm afraid I didn't see it that way.   

I jokingly called him grumpy, he said he wasn't and I said I know full well you thought I was going to go out for a fag. He smiled and said 'no I just had reading I had to do".  I said "I know you by now and you're grinning, gives it away".  After that he was back to normal.

I texted him that night and basically said I wouldn't disrespect him and sneak out without telling him. I asked him not to judge me on how'd been treated in the past.  I ended it by saying I look forward to going out with him soon.  He replied to the message and said "me too :)" which was enough of an acknowledgment for me.

It's with thanks to websites such as BPD family that I have learnt so much. I was able to recognise why his behaviour went odd and address it. He obviously has some very extreme abandonment issues and believed every time I walked off I was going to walk out and not tell him.

I don't know if the staying in the loo was to teach me a lesson or to sort his head out. I'm not sure. I hope he wasn't harming himself in some way.

But as I said above I want to say thanks to a supportive website and I do believe things can improve if you know how to handle the person and the situation... . ;-)

Hi PinkPoker,

you are handling this quite well  |iiii. You notice when he gets triggered and in case he is able to manage himself you have not caved in. It is a balancing act of simply doing your thing (which is healthy) and not over-extending his ability to cope. Being alone in a bar can feel uncomfortable to some people but most adults can cope with such situations.

You also at some point addressed this with him in some form. Again it is a balancing act of addressing what has happened and not shaming him of struggling. There is humor and there is making fun of someone and from what you tell it sounds like you toed that line well. Validation often boils down to sense making without judging.