BPDFamily.com

Hello all!  I hope you are doing well. 

Currently, I am struggling with my uBPD mother because she does not like my boyfriend.  We have been dating for over a year and I definitely see myself having a future with him.  He has not done anything bad that could logically make her dislike him, but of course she manufactures some... . and she feels the need to constantly tell me.  I tell her "thank you for your concern and input, but I am happy and I hope you can be happy for me.  I am old enough now to make my own decisions and mistakes and even though it is hard, I just ask you to accept that and respect my boundaries." and things like that.  I try to avoid getting pissed off and I avoid hearing more of it.  Negativity is the last thing I need in my life.  She replies with "f*** your boundaries, I am your mother and it is my job to tell you these things.  I don't want to see him ever again.  You are being treated like ___"... . and all other types of venom.  My boyfriend does not like being around her because of how horribly she treats me.  He also does not understand why it is so difficult to cut her out of my life because he is a very logical thinker.  We honestly do not care what she thinks of him and I know that there is no convincing her otherwise.  I feel like she realizes that 1. a healthy relationship is something she doesn't have, so she is jealous and wants to destroy it and 2. a healthy relationship means more independence for me from her, which means she is losing "control" of me. 

The reason this is becoming an issue is that she has threatened to take things away from me if I do not talk to her about it.  My parents help me pay for college, and she has threatened: "no talking about it, no money".  (which is incredibly frustrating and immature)  I also fear that she is turning my entire family against him including extended family and my enabler dad, who I am close with.

Have any of you dealt with this?  How did you handle it?  Any suggestions for my situation?  I would love to have my family's support and for them to be happy for me because I am truly happy.  What if we end up getting married?  Then what will happen?

Thank you so much for all your help with this situation!   

Hi, kookaburra13,

It sounds like you have a pretty good attitude considering the circumstances. You understand your mothers feelings=facts for her and that you can't change her mind. You are able to allow her to see things her way, while you take care of your own boundaries and identity. That all sounds really healthy.


I realize it must help considerably to have help with college expenses. Still, do you think you can think about ways to start taking care of everything yourself so that your mother will not have something to use to manipulate you?


I would love that for you, too. It would be ideal. Sometimes, though, reality is different. Your mother may not be able to feel happy for you if she is feeling abandoned and out-of-control--in fact, if you get married, you can probably expect her behavior to get more frantic. Other family members may prefer to believe her point of view without talking to you or knowing your boyfriend. There is not much you can do about those things. All you can do is keep looking after your boundaries and respecting yourself. Maybe it would help also to focus on now, rather than what might happen in the future.

You say you're close with your father. Are you able to be honest with him about what you're feeling? Does he respect your need for boundaries with your mother?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Hi Kookaburra13,

First off, let me just say "Holy Deja Vu, Batman!"

I went through a five year period of trying to be the good daughter, while attending college and having a healthy relationship with a boy. This was after years of abuse from a guy a lot like my mother.

If I could've done anything over, I would have ignored wanting a normal relationship with my mother. That would've meant staying moved out of their house instead of coming back when they promised that they'd go to therapy with me. I would've found a way for financial independence instead of letting her have a noose to hold me with.

What your going through is hard and not many people (family included) will understand. I'm glad that you're on this message board and am impressed with your maturity and strength. I hope you find a way out. *HUG*

Kookaburra  totaly feel for you. Been there. You sound very switched on, and to be aware of BPD so early on, fantastic – wish I had. I guessing your uBPD would not be happy with whomever you hitched up with (except possibly a Narcissist) ?

I found that if my BPD only knew a name, she couldn't critics my girlfriends(GF). Also helped that I dated reserved GFs, who gave nothing away when in her presence. My BPD would then just suggest things, to see if anything stuck. "Are you having problems" being a favourite. Sorry to hear your uBPD is closing that down, by demanding more information. Saying "Because I'm your mother."  lol is what my uBPD always said.

Would your mother go through with her threat of no $$ ? Or would your farther intervene? Could you fund college another way? My BPD want us to study from home, so she didn’t offer any $$ if we moved out – go figure. So is her offer of $$ going to fall through anyway? In short, she probably wants you to stay close to her, so a boy friend (any BF) threatens that.

With my first girlfriend   , when I was at her house aged 16, my BPD come around her house after dark (7pm in winter here) and bang nosily on the door. She would basically shout out in the street, expletives, theme being sex before marriage is a sin. She was trying to scare them all away from me   . She even called my GF mom a hussy. Bless. So it's a good thing you boyfriend is keeping clear.

I guessing you have good instincts and know what to do. Although these posts are about your uBPD, really what matters is what is you BF like ? A uBPD wouldn’t really care about that. With me, I pretended me and my GF decided just to be just good friends (not) and I joined a Drama club. When you’re in a play there are late rehearsals 3 times a week. And I knew my BPD had no interest is my hobbies ... . kept things calmer until the great escape  folie . Good luck, hope you BF's a good one.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support.  As I am sure you know, it helps so much to know that I am not alone in this.  It is tough because people do not understand... . Especially the fact that if it came down to choosing between my uBPD mother or my significant other, I would most likely choose him over her.  I have talked to my dad about the things my mother has done and have asked him if he would handle the finances from now on.  The only thing I need from them is rent money... . I pay for everything else, including college, myself.  It would be doable for me to start paying all of it soon, but at this time, I don't want to complicate things. 

Sometimes it is just hard for me to deal with the fact that my family isn't happy for me.  I am truly happy, and it would be nice to not get so much negativity from my mother and sister (golden child).  Whenever she brings it up now, I stick up for my boyfriend if I say anything about it at all.  I just don't like hearing it and having those negative thoughts in my head.  I am also thinking ahead about the rest of my life, which I know is probably getting ahead of myself, but it is just something I want to be ready for.  I know my mother will not support me and try to spread her venom in my relationship.  I foresee that I will have to break away from her at some point, and it just sucks to know that I cannot have my family in my life (even though it is admittedly not really what I would define as a true "family". 

How have you all dealt with this issue later in life, both from the perspectives of dealing with your BPD family and being able to mentally and emotionally deal with it yourself?

Thanks again!

Hi kookaburra13! I was nodding along with so many of the things that you have posted. I have been dealing with a uBPD mom who has more or less despised my spouse basically ever since I started dating him 20 years ago. I also have an enabler dad, and I've also been really afraid that my mom would cut me off from her family members, some of whom I am close with. It's a really, really hard struggle, and I'm sorry that you're going through this.

It was painful for me to read about how your mom has made her support contingent on you doing only the things that she approves of. That's really a terrible position to put you in.

I'm glad that you stick up for your boyfriend when you talk to your mom. This is something that I was bad at for an embarrassingly long time, so it's great that you can do this at the point in your life where you are now. Are there any techniques that work particularly well for you? One of the first techniques that I ever found that was helpful for me was using non-defensive responses, like "Well," or "That's interesting," or "You're certainly entitled to your opinion." And sometimes, I actually do check out a little bit when she's talking. I focus on my breathing or I think about a more neutral topic, like my grocery list. A new technique that I am working on is actually leaving a conversation if it's getting really negative. And I'm also working on some other responses that assert that I'm allowed to have my own thoughts and feelings, like, "Well, that's your view of the situation. I look at it differently."

For most of my time with my spouse, I was deep in denial and worked very hard to appease my mom to try to get back to the elusive good times that we've occasionally enjoyed together. But they got fewer and farther between as I got more and more independent. We cycled a lot - there would be a crisis, and things would be bad for awhile, and then they would slowly get better, but they always crashed again. Sometimes, we would just barely get to a stable point before my mom would lose it again and everything would be bad again. And I really lost myself during this time. I drained a lot of my energy and self-worth trying to anticipate and prevent and fix whatever the crisis of the day was and make my mom happy. I finally hit a crisis point so severe that it broke all of my denial to pieces and made me question a lot of things, and since then, I've been setting some boundaries and getting some help with that from my therapist. It's been a really positive change for me.

One thing that I have really had to come to terms with is that my mom is probably never going to change. And that means that she is probably never going to love me the way that I want to be loved, and she may never be sincerely happy for my happiness. So I unfortunately can't give you any hope that your mom will ever change.  I think that the key for me was giving myself permission to be happy in my happiness (if that makes any sense) and enjoy my life with or without my mom's approval. That's still a work in progress for me, but I'm getting there.

Sending you a whole lot of empathy and hugs, too, if you want them. 

My story's somewhat different, but the enmeshment was very much the same.  It wasn't that my BPDm couldn't stand my DH, necessarily (though he sure was good enough to blow out their driveway when my Dad wasn't home one winter).  

It was that she was so enmeshed with our lives that every time something went wrong--when there was a fight between DH and me, or when DD1 disagreed or didn't like the way I disciplined her--DD1 would be on the phone to BPDm, crying and complaining about it.  And, several times, Grandma would either come to DD1's "rescue" (even just by listening and commiserating with DD1 on the phone), or I would take both DD1 and DD2 over to BPDm's house to get away from the fight with DH.  (DH and I are in therapy, btw, and we have a fantastic therapist.)  That's because I grew up being made to think that BPDm had all the answers (she was a mental health therapist, if you can believe that) and I was obviously doing something wrong, especially in regards to parenting/disciplining my daughter, if she had to call Grandma (BPDm) about it.  

The point is, BPDm was soo enmeshed it was almost like she was a second parent to our children--once even TELLING me she was taking our girls on a trip to Seattle (when we live in the midwest)--and anytime something went wrong in our marriage, she would "gently" press for a split every.single.time.  Both of which are very, very inappropriate.

So, it's a really good thing you're aware of how she's acting now.  What she says about boundaries is NOT true; boundaries are a wonderful and very good thing.  Sending you lots of ((HUGS))!  

Again, thank you all for your help.  Even though it is unfortunate, it feels better to know that I am not alone and I have some people who understand exactly what I am going through.  I am glad to hear that I am doing this right in some things.  Sometimes it is hard to get past the doubt, though I know that is just another mind game.

My mom was the same way, out sounds like. My boyfriend acted similarly as well. I was paying for college, but my mom would threaten to cut off my insurance. I foundbthe only thing to fo was to start paying all of my bills. She had a lot less to hold against me after that. My bf didn't know why i wouldn't just cut her out, and my mother didn't know why I  wouldn't just cut him out. She eventually stared to get jealous of other relationships (like between me and my aunt)and it became to much to cope with, so I  decided to cut ties. My mom is undiagnosed and refuses to even consider the idea that she has a  disorder of any kind. Hope you find resolution.

Just be careful not to do things because you're being manipulated. I  would have to stop and say "who is irrational right now? In this situation, what is a  rational way to react? How is my bf acting? How is my mother acting? How am I  acting? Who is irrational?" We call it going Volcan. (We are a little nerdy) what is logical for the situation at hand? Best of luck