BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

Whenever I hear about my ex or find out something she is working on, I get really weird. My heart starts racing super fast. I can't breath well. My mind starts going into hyperdrive. I can't sleep well. What is going on?

I don't want to be back together with her. The thought of that strikes fear in me. It is just that if I hear about her or what she is doing, my mind starts doing crazy things. I start to feel horrible about myself. I put myself down in my mind. What she is doing is always way better than what I am doing in my mind. It just feels like I go into panic mode. I start to idealize her (I'm not BPD... . I don't do this with anyone else in my entire life) and idealize what she is doing, how powerful she is, how much better she is than me, how much more fun she is having than me. My heart races and I get a massive adrenal rush, like I want to run away, like I am in danger.

I guess the closest thing I can think of is the feeling I get when I am looking out over a cliff or on top of a steep mountain and inches away from the precipice. Or the feeling you get when driving on really tight roads in the mountains without any barriers.

Here are some other pieces of information:

1) I love my job and I don't think there is anything else in the world that I would rather do. I feel like I was born to do the work that I do. So, I'm not sure that I am jealous of her work. I have a million times for freedom, more money, and more influence in the areas that I care about.

2) My therapist says that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and that I have a really hard accepting that.

3) I still fantasize about her sexually although a few nights ago I had a dream that we were getting back together and making out and I felt HORRIBLE and SCARED.

Also, I'm now officially two years out! She has tried to contact me every few months and I sometimes have fallen for responding. She hasn't contact me in about 3 weeks now. The last email she sent she was just congratulating me on one of my projects. Seems nice enough except I had told her to never contact me again.

What is this? I don't get it. I saw a photo of her today on the internet and she looks crazy to me. Has those crazy eyes. I don't understand my reaction. I can't even pinpoint the emotion. It isn't love. It isn't sadness. She has told me that I just have 'regrets'. I don't. Really. Leaving her was something I don't regret. Maybe I have a fantasy that things would have been amazing if I had committed to her but I know deep down that this is not true. If I think about having a family with her, I immediately say 'NO WAY'.

Any help here? What is this that I am feeling and what can I do to make it stop?

Listen to your gut. You sense danger. And your body is responding with flight mode. Its very real, even if its just perceived danger. Even if its just a dream.

I feel the same when i drive past my ex BPD's house and see his car there. For a while i couldnt interpret the feeling. It kind of felt like excitement... . and panic, and fear all rolled into one. Mostly anxiety, but basically i recognised it was unhealthy feelings. And my heart races and i sweat. The more i drive past and look, the lesser the responses feel in intensity. Im desensitiscing.

During the summer the first time i saw a snake i felt this way, and wanted to run. Now after seeing so many on a weekly basis, i just look and say "oh, thats a brown snake" and barely feel a reaction.

Maybe look at a photo of her daily to descensitice? Im only suggesting that because youve been away from her for so long now, and have detached. Maybe just a bad photo though lol... .

what you are feeling is totally normal. I had the same exact description of feelings and actions after i left my uBPDex. our relationship lasted for only 6 weeks. I informed my therapist about my worry over my obsession with her and doing such stuff and feeling such things after we broke up. he told me that sometimes we are hard on ourselves and that a relationship with BPD no matter how long did it last is always traumatic and that i should not underestimate the amount of trauma that i have been subjected to.

from what you are describing and thats only my opinion as i am not professional but i think u have ptsd. also thinking and comparing your life to your ex's is not quite healthy. i do not know if you do this generally in your life with other people or not. if you do then you have some confidence issues you have to take care of. and trust me you exBPD may appear having the time of her life on social media but these people are in constant soul torment. imagine yourself loving someone and then hating him\her the next moment and both feelings feel very true. imagine you are always delusional and thinking that you will end up alone and all people are gonna abandon you. maybe she has a replacement right now and she is "happy" thats what you can see. but she is just running from her problems, from her pain cause she cant face it but the problems will still persist. running away from them is not a solution. as for you, healing is there. you can move on with your life and you will be more wise, experienced and you will find happiness.

why this is happening ? because you do not maintain strict NC. i have fallen into this several times. healing is not a linear process. it has a lot of ups and downs. whenever i felt up for some good time i would say "i am ok now. i will not be affected by any news including her. i want to know what she is up to cause i am curious and maybe i will laugh at what she is doing cause i know BPD well now." and BAAAAAM depression and ptsd (heart, breathing, overdrive, losing control, chest tightness) kicks in. apply strict NC. remember every time you make a contact (including looking up her profile on social media) sets u back a lot maybe sometimes to square 1. this is how u draw ur boundaries back so that you would have the space to heal. do not underestimate the amount of toxicity you have been subjected to while you were with her. it takes time my friend.

be patient and kind to yourself 

Thanks guys. I wish I had gone strict NC from the beginning. Then I wouldn't know what she is doing. I don't check her out on social media. Never have. I just know what she is working on from having spoken to her and when I hear about anything that remotely reassembles her work in the news, I go nuts. It is so weird. I would never want her job in real life. I wouldn't survive. And in my job I make twice as much money, have infinitely more freedom, and wouldn't trade what I do for anything. Really. Maybe it is PTSD. When I see her photo somewhere, my first thought is 've looks crazy'. It is the second, third, fourth thought that worry me. Thanks for the replies.

Any other thoughts from anyone? When will this stop?

I have a feeling that I will hear about her or her work in the future. We run in somewhat similar circles. I do my best to stay away from her. I just hate this feeling of panic. It sucks. I want it to stop. I don't understand it.

I had (have?) the same feelings with my ex. Even if I had seen just a SMS or email I would have felt anxious at the very moment. I couldn't determine what would be the right response.

She had told me once that she had lost a good friend before she met me. Her friend had told her that my ex had been "causing" a sense of anxiety and uneasiness to her.

I know understand what my ex's friend had meant.


These are exactly my thoughts. I couldn't (can't?) imagine of her with someone else. I have gone NC since breakup and I have been healing but the sense of fragility and vulnerability haven't gone completely.