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I am finding myself in big time guilt today... . but why ?

I have been NC for 5 + months now and am awaiting a divorce hearing date with my uexBPDw.

I am feeling frustrated that she has chosen to stall the divorce... . it's been 8 weeks and still no signatures on her end in order to move this forward.

I have chosen to wait and not push this... . as I think it's some sort of control on her part and I don't wish to play the game of trying to have control myself.

Question... . ?

This is all making me feel guilty all of a sudden... .

Should I have engaged with her all along and tried to work this out while being in contact?

---I went NC in order to begin to heal myself and it has helped a great deal

---- lots of confused emotions here

Does this guilt come as I am grieving the loss of this r/s?

Why now?

This is such a frustrating place to be right now.

Anyone here ever feel guilty about leaving ? 

Can you actually make progress and then flip like this?

Maybe you feel guilty because you see her stalking techniques as a sign that she still loves you.  Just remind yourself of the many reasons you wanted the divorce at the time (hopefully you wrote them down because time makes us forget).

Very hard to go for divorce without having closure, of course you would feel bad about it and doubt your actions.  Has she tried to contact you at all? Tried to get you back?  If not then she is just stalling to mess with your head, and because it seems those with BPD never want to let people go. 

Push it if you need out, talk to her and explain that you want the divorce because you don't love her.  She might get the picture and sign.  If you have worked through your issues and you are over her you won't let that contact develop into another recycle. If you still feel weak in that department then wait until you feel stronger.

Yes -- we are complex beings.  I find that I sometimes circle in elliptical orbit.  Detached/attached, free/imprisoned, etc.    For me, there's so much psychological "stuff" associated with it.   Letting it all emerge seems important.  Being aware of it seems important.   

I have moments of guilt, when I think of the ways I pushed my ex-girlfriend away.  But, then, I'm reminded of the relationship's overall drama. 

It's hard, but it's not a backward step.    It's all part of the process.   Inquire, but don't identify with any particular emotion.