BPDFamily.com

When I first started learning about BPD my uBPDxbf and I talked about it at length one time and I described to him - as validating as I could - how it might feel to suffer from BPD. He seemed relieved to hear an explanation and a description of feelings that he had never been able to express before.

So I now wonder if it might also feel like a relief to have specifically anger and the possible causes of it explained to you. Since anger is often a secondary emotion I guess they often have no clue why they feel such intense anger that nobody seems to get. Or would it be invalidating?

I asked mine point-blank after one of her rages what was going through her head. Her typical pattern would be to feel horribly after treating me, her family, or even our kids badly. That is shame. She said, "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!"

I was kind of shocked, because from my non-disordered view, being able to control my emotions, something like that violated my core values. I would never act out and project my pain onto others (though I'm not saying that I've never slipped up on that in my life).

For a pwBPD, who can't control his emotions, it's about survival.

Hi Turkish,

Yes, I remember my uBPDxbf told me something very similar, and to accomplish that he admitted that he would pick the thing he knew would inflict the most emotional pain possible and tell me that. To hear him admit that actually made me feel better and also made it easier to cope the next time he would say something demeaning, hurtful or cruel.

Did your x feel that it was a relief to be called out on what might possibly be causing her anger? Because I guess with pwBPD their anger is often a secondary emotion to cover the shame they feel, although there also is a reason for why they feel shame. So I don't mean we should tell them they feel shame because that would obviously be even more shameful but what event might have triggered their anger, such as perceived rejection or something similar.

Maybe, because I asked her, rather than "abandoning" by walking out as I used to do. Sometimes she would flat out reject me asking, and shut down angrily, but that's BPD. Sometimes she would walk out of the house in shame for a while and then come back, bemoaning how she hated it when she treated me and the kids like that (she didn't so much lash out at the kids, though she did twice at S then 3 before she finally left, as it was them witnessing her behavior).

I may be fooling myself a little, but I think part of her leaving me was her shame in treating me like she did, and also not wanting the kids to witness it, so she "had to leave" as she put it. She always said I was better with the kids. She still thinks so (and it's true).