BPDFamily.com

Hello BPD friends, i can finally join this board as after a year and a half in nomans land,  i decided to take the plunge and ask a lawyer to get involved, to help me after the separation with uBPDexbf.

Last week there was terrible verbal abuse towards me in front of the kids, psychological abuse of D 12. An incident when he was asked to leave the dentist as his swearing was frightening other children. I knew the letter would arrive today, so over the weekend mentioned it to D12 and S10. Just that as Daddy wont speak to me, doesnt respond to messages, wont answer the phone, and has ignored my pleas to discuss arrangement for them, and then we have three month summer holidays and I have to work and play it by ear day by day, I am going to appoint a lawyer so if he doesnt want to talk to me, he can talk to her. Hopefully they have a positive image of what a lawyer is, I am one myself!

He rang while I was at work and shouted "What about that 3.000 Euro I gave you to go on holiday in America". I put the phone down. I knew the letter had come, just asking him to make contact with her to discuss reaching an agreement for the kids.

Seconds later I saw D12 wAs ringing me. I answered and she said Mummy, then  i heard him shouting in the background to put the phone on hands free, i hung up again. My daughter sent me a message saying mummy you shouldnt have done that Daddy says he will bring us to your house and never wants to see us again, why did you ask for money he has given you all he has? My son added, "you have ruined everything". So I dread to think what he is saying about me tonight. I dread to think the emotional abuse they are going through. I have avoided this moment as I knew it would trigger major raging, it has been like blackmail, and it will carry on.

The kids are so confused. How should I play it. They are supposed to be with him for next three days. His constant emotional abuse of them is sick... . but they are at the age that I dont want to prevent them from seeing him. Should I just be latient, keep strong and tell the children that its between me and him, I love them, and want to find a way to end all the conflict?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your children.  My DH and I went through a similar situation last fall with his two boys.  Could their dad be the one texting you from their phones, or directing them what to text?  That is exactly what happened with my SS14 - "how could you do this to us?", etc. We think it was BM most of the time, or at least her screaming what he should say.

You may need to record or document this.  It is very improper for him to involve the children in adult matters.  Yes, the kids will learn of it, hard to avoid that of course, but they shouldn't be dragged into it, and they shouldn't be pressured, forced or influenced to take sides.  I would encourage you to make sure your lawyer is informed of this.

Do the children have counselers?

Your kids are going to need counseling to help them with this, and you will too.

Ideally, counseling will help the kids express their sadness and anger, and untangle the lies and confusion. It might even be good for them to go to counseling together, depending on their relationship. I found it was also critical that I saw a counselor too. Not long after my divorce was filed, I ran out of money for a counselor. Recently, I went back to see her and she gave me some of the most important guidance about how to work with S12. Without counseling, I think our kids hit the teen years with much more force, and that can be extremely stressful for single parents with mentally ill co-parents. You don't need that. I realize now that therapy wasn't an option for S12 or for me, we both needed it.

Have you read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak? One of the most important things -- can't stress it enough -- is that you have to confront the falsehoods directly. No one here wants their kids to be put in the middle, but when one parent does that repeatedly, different tactics are in order. Divorce Poison will help you with those tactics. I also found Bill Eddy's book, Don't Alienate the Kids to be profoundly helpful. Your kids need one parent to model "flexible thinking, managed emotions, and moderate behavior." That means paying really close attention to how you handle stress and conflict. Your kids absorb your stress and are more likely to mirror that stress in anxious ways that might not seem directly connected but are.

It's likely that over the years, watching you, they think their father's behavior should be tolerated. They might even see him as being the stronger, more powerful parent. It's going to take some time for them to understand that they feel fear and anger about how he treats you, and them. Telling them this isn't going to work -- they need someone to help them learn to trust their own feelings and reality about what is and isn't true.

I didn't talk to my son directly about his dad -- I was too worried about how it might play out in court. Recently I learned that S12 didn't talk to me about disturbing things that were happening because he thought that's how we handle his dad. As a result, he started stuffing his feelings and even went so far as to say he no longer felt any empathy. It's taken a lot of work with my therapist, but I feel like we had a big breakthrough. It wasn't intuitive to me because I thought not talking was protecting S12, when it was just making things worse.

A therapist can help you work through the stages that your kids are at. They need to learn first how they feel (important to validate how they feel), so they can trust their own instincts about what is right and wrong.

You might start by focusing strictly on how they felt when their dad got angry. ":)id it upset you that your dad told you about the letter?" How did it feel when he started yelling? Do you think it was right for him to tell you these things? You seem really upset, and I understand. I'm upset too. I decided to set a boundary and assert myself, and that is something that can upset people who don't pay attention to boundaries. Have you ever told someone no, and then they ignore you, or get angry at you?

Don't defend yourself or your actions. Let them vent and tell you how they feel. Don't judge your ex when talking to them, but do ask them how they feel about his actions.

If they ask you questions, answer them honestly. If you don't know how to answer them, tell them that you need to think about the question and will talk to them after you've had some time to think. Go slow with this -- slower is more likely to be true, and your kids have an incredible radar for what is true and what isn't. They need to hear what is real for you in age-appropriate ways.

Validation is so important, "so they can trust their own instincts about what is right and wrong."

Children who grow up in dysfunctional, controlling, ever-chaotic families find is hard to made observations and judgments and stick to them.  They're like leaves blown about by the wind and flotsam tossed about in the waves.

As an example, my ex's sister in her young adult life was very much like that.  When we'd come for an infrequent visit all we heard was how bad we were.  By the time our day visit ended she was saying how bad her parents were - mother uBPD and stepfather abusive uNPD.  Next visit, she would be back to saying how bad we were.  She lacked the ability and determination to (1) make objective observations, (2) make her own conclusions about what was right and wrong and (3) have the fortitude to stick by them.

Sounds like you're in Europe, and the laws may be different there... .

I think you could talk with your lawyer, and find out what your options are.  If there is no court order saying what the schedule should be, I would suspend contact til a court order is in place.  You could tell the kids, "Your father is going through some difficult things right now and is not acting right.  You saw that at the dentist's office.  I'm working with Ms. Lawyer to figure out how we can make it better.  In the meantime I'll take care of you."

I don't think it's good for the kids to be subjected to extreme behavior, and I don't think it would do your ex any good to be rewarded for his behavior.  You need to set some boundaries, like keeping legal and financial stuff on e-mail (not phone, face-to-face or through the kids).  No abuse of the kids or around the kids.  No threats.  Etc.  Communicate those boundaries to your lawyer and let her work with your ex, or his lawyer, to get them set, and then start contact again, but on a limited basis to see how it goes.

Thanks so much for your comments... . yes Matt I am in Italy. i am English he is Italian. Actually he is a policeman himself, I am a lawyer, i deal with family issues often!

Your comments about therapists, i wish I could do this. I am really on my own, no family here. My daughter had medical problems at birth and is already very highly strung, she saw a psycologist at school who told me she was so closed up and reserved, she felt it was "too late" to really have any effect, she might start wanting to talk about stuff after adolescence. I do try to ask her how she feels, she stays silent, wont talk. She refuses to go to dentists, doctors, hairdressers. She has a slight facial deformity and  i think its related to this. To take her to a psychologist would be torture. She lietrally is capable of lying on the floor and refusing to leave the house. My son also refuses to discuss his Dad. Tells me to shut up.

I feel like such a terrible mum and this is such a hopeless case.

Matt i may go for the idea of taking them back on Weds or Thurs and from them not offering them the chance to go back, getting a babysitter and trying to survive... . till the end of the month. Though I know he has booked a ferry to take them to an island for a two week holiday in July, they did that last summer and it went well, he can be a great Dad when he is not disregulated.

I hope I did the right thing, I wrote an email this evening to him, saying  i would like the kids to come back to me tomorrow when I get back from work. I sai his behaviour and treatment of thie kids is unacceptable and abusive. I asked him to talk to his doctor and the lawyer. I asked him to tell the lawyer if it is true he doesnt wat to see the children anymore. i said the welfare and stability of our kids is a priority.

I copied the email, which he will have seen, to the family mediator that has talked to both of us last year, to my lawyer, and to his psychologist who I have met, who told me he wanted to give up his treatment.

I am sure he wont reply. I know I am talking to a brick wall. I know this big cruelty act is partly calculated to push me to the limits, that I have always backed down and forgiven him for 12 years for everything else he has hurt me about. Just maybe he will curb his behaviour. maybe. If not I suppose I will have to take it to the next step and go to the police.