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She is seeking help finally, but she still has hate and I honestly am not sure how much longer I can take the emotional daily rollercoaster.  The DWIs, the fights with my parents, the pressure on my job, the crashes, the wracking up bills on my card and basically no understanding or sympathy for me.

We are both miserable... She does not want to let me help.  Its constantly trying to help only for her to stab me in the back then Im on the villians side too

I am not sure I can leave though... I have told her if she wants a divorce, she can go file and I will work with her but I do not want one.  I do not, but I want the horrible fear of mistepping gone.  Unconsciousness is the only safe time and it better be away from her cause she will not allow it possibly. 

Problem is I am not sure I will go through with it.  I am guessing that trying to break away and not going through will actually reinforce the bad behavior and make things worse!

There is nothing good I am really getting.  Occasionally there is a perfect day where she is understanding and everything is fantastic, but then there are 3 days of me being evil in her eyes basically.  Any stress seems to lead back to my fault.

So what do I do?

Do I try and break away?  If I do, can she survive yes, but she has no job, an art degree and 2 kids that are not mine.  I am not sure how she can make it alone and I think deep down while she can do it, she knows that in her fragile state she will collapse.  The guilt is what is pushing me away and what is keeping me too. 

I do not want to fight tooth and nail on everything because I honestly do not have the energy to do anything anymore.  I do not know what is real and what is not.  I am pondering leaving though...

Hi Buddy

Your summary:

What brought me here is complete hopelessness.

Wanting to die because the mental anguish I feel over

watching my SO wBPD suffer and how she feels

it is all cause of me

No Buddy - its NOT because of you - ITS NOT YOUR FAULT !

and

"I want to help my wife be better"

You have been posting 200 time since January

I suppose you did read quite a bit also... .

Remember, there is nothing you can do and ITS NOT YOUR FAULT

Keep reading  ... . I know its tough ... .

Keep posting ... .

We are here for you

 

Yo HH:

Listen, I really admire your candidness.

You have been a pillar for me at times.

As I grow to understand this disorder (which her psychs regularly change the diagnosis, and for the time being (until I set another boundary), medicine #36 is working), the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

I am sorry you are at a low point: I and probably a lot of others have been there too at times. 

The divorce may be ugly, but peek into some of the other boards  here.  They scare me at times, but ultimately for each of us to survive I believe we need to split away from the disease.  It is like poison ivy:  it is a weed, it itches, and sometimes we can't resist scratching it more.  I am scared of it too.

I personally am in huge debt b/c of her, got sanctioned at work, took a pay cut, and in two weeks am transferring to another store... . all related as a consequence.

My suggestion to myself is that I remain patient, work slowly to set more boundaries, with an ultimate goal of dissolving the marriage to protect the children's mental health.  Mine have suffered indirectly too much b/c of her.

Perhaps this would work for you.

Her seeking help may be a small step in the right direction FOR HER.  Mine has eaten up at least 8 therapists in the last year alone.

My timeline is 12-18 months in the future .  Today, however, I had a friend who is a realtor come over at lunchtime and look at the house I will have to give up in the divorce:  to get some ideas of what and how to show and fix.

The house needs major interior repairs due to a wind storm, and the last contractor has bailed.  My SIL signed me up for Angie's list so I could put it up for bids.  Insurance is covering most of it.

I also would suggest NOT leaving as it may give her more power over you.  Take some time and shop around for a high-conflict divorce lawyer---see the other boards--but ultimately her record of behavior will speak for itself. 

And if your state allows one party consent to recording, start taping her and keep it somewhere safe.

I have some stuff on my phone that is carbonited.

Please keep us updated.

Take a big deep breath, shrug your shoulders, and look up.  And then around.

We are here for you.

G7

yea i have read alot here. I see what is the truth, but I still feel guilty and villianous in the middle of the fight or not able to just give up on the relationship...

hey seven, I have read alot of your stuff and i know you know exactly what is going on.  Thank you for your kindness

I feel it is wrong to be sneaky in a relationship but i guess nothing is fair about this.  I suppose I will have to consider that.

I just hate to be ruthless to her, but it might be only way...

You need to think about yourself and look after yourself.  It's horrible and hard to think about leaving someone who has meant so much to you, but if the alternative is staying in an abusive r/s that is making you depressed and chipping away at you, then... . well, you know what I'm saying.

Trying to protect yourself is not being sneaky or ruthless. And you're right that nothing in a r/s with a pwBPD really is fair, on you or them, so you need to do what you need to do for you.

Is there any chance of you getting some time away to yourself at any point? Even just a little break to visit family or something? I'm not saying that you'd tell her your leaving yet, I'm just saying that a break from being in the midst of it can really help you see things more clearly and for what they really are, which can then help you think about moving forward, whatever that might mean for you.  I had a break away from my BPDexbf visiting family just before we split up, and although even that was difficult in itself due to his behaviour whilst I was away, it was still helpful to have some space to think whilst in the company of people who love me.

I really wish the best for you and hope you can find he strength you need to look after yourself.

Scary part is we are going to out of town to testify before the medical board.  That whole thing is scaring her to death and honestly im terrified it will turn into "this is all your fault" so while I went down there for emotional support for her, I will be trapped there with her being emotionally super abusive.

She was going to go with our neighbor next month for a few days which sounded awesome, but now she thinking she will not cause our neighbors are crazy and her convicted murderer husband might go along and he is a complete jerk.  All about women should know their place, and as mentioned he is a murderer... . who still owns guns... .