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My wife is BPD. She filed a RO and divorce after only 6 months of marrage. Im completly going crazy. I didnt do anything except put up with her threatening to leave, and leave and take her back three times when she got lonley. What should I do now  ? Thanks

Are you emotionally and psychologically ready to file for divorce?

What are the terms of the RO?

She filed for both, No contact.

Shes so very good making me feel like I did something wrong, when I know deep down I didnt. I dont want a divorce. I just want this to stop.

You will find a lot of men (and some women) on this board who have had their lives ruined by false allegations by the very BPD person who proclaimed to love them. When a BPD sufferer discovers the power of the legal system, and how to harm their loved ones through court, life can become a living hell.

Within six months of marriage, she has filed an RO and threatened divorce, and left multiple times. The most important thing you can do during this time is to protect yourself -- consult with a lawyer about the RO and make sure you understand the consequences of breaking the RO, what impact an RO (or any false allegation) could have on your professional life, whether or not it is legal to record someone in your state.

Have you accepted, really accepted, that despite the way she has done it, divorce is probably going to be the final and only realistic outcome?  Otherwise your future, based on the history of the past 6 months, would be just more of the same, and probably worse.

So, is there ANY hope to fix this?  Sorry, you can't fix her.  Only she can fix herself, with professional help.  So if she acknowledges she has some issues, gets into serious therapy (DBT or CBT), stick with it for years, then yes it can get fixed.  Will she actually do that?  No indication at this point.  While you can support her doing therapy, you can't force her to do it.  Put in one sentence, whether the marriage has a functional future depends on whether she sticks with and applies intensive therapy.  Would be a good thing for you to have counseling too, though for your own issues.

Now that that is out of the way, never, I repeat, never admit to wrongdoing of any sort or she may use it against you.  She is Blaming and Blame-Shifting, she can't handle accepting responsibility for teh marriage's demise.  You may think that admitting some guilt to mollify her is a solution, but its not a fix.  It does look like the marriage is ending, time now to start looking out for your future.  Sorry, but "fairness" doesn't apply in court.

The RO may not be such a bad thing, as long as you're not accused of anything.  Usually with distance and time the conflict subsides.

If it gets complicated in court, to defend yourself you may have to do some research on her past.  Has she been married before?  If so, likely those marriages or relationships ended similarly.  You may need to defend yourself stating this is her historical pattern when ending her relationships.

She is escalating her behavior.  Under no circumstances believe her if she says she has dropped the RO and wants to come back or whatever.  Ask your lawyer if you can have the locks changed to your home.  If you are the primary on any credit cards that she has access to, have her card(s) cancelled.  Any joint checking or savings?  Ask if you can remove half to an account that she cannot access.


Very good advice and if she ever indicated that she had been in abusive relationships prior to marriage there is a good chance she may be repeating a pattern. 

Yep shes been married before and in fact bragged about calling the cops on her last husband. Of course I thought I was diffrent.

Well, you've been warned. When people tell you who they are, listen to them.

Find out if it's legal to record people without their permission in the state where you live. Even if it isn't legal, if she makes a false allegation about you, the recording might convince the police to not put you in jail.

Matt and david are both long-time members on this board who can tell you what happens when the false allegation of DV happens.

She does and says this because in the Borderline perceptions ALL ending, ended and past relationships have to have been bad or even abusive, they can't dare risk accepting any blame for the relationship's failure.  It's the ultimate in Blaming and Blame Shifting.  Bill Eddy even has a book that wraps it up nicely, It's All Your Fault!

Do the research or have it done, look up all her cases - in case there is more to be found - and document it all.  It will help when it comes to court.  Then if/when she starts Blaming you with allegations you can defend yourself, try to show a pattern or history of allegations.  When a manipulative woman comes before a judge, she's figuring that her emotional claims will overwhelm any logical facts you have with which to defend yourself.  You have to weaken her credibility.  You know the truth, but you need such documentation to convince the judge not to be fooled.

peiper.

Protect yourself at all costs.

Do not go near her. Record everything.

I did not heed the initial "shot over the bow". And was removed from my kids and house when the "alleged " allegations happened.

I was able to prove I was not even home after she attempted to call the cell company and delete everything from my phone.

I was lucky enough to have a detective who instructed me to get software on my computer and download everything in the archives.

I was very lucky. Some are not as fortunate.

Oh I plan on it. In the papers she had served she said I threatened to kill her, so she packed her things, cable box, internet box, took the bedding from our bed and left. I doubt had someone said that to me Id have taken anything except my rear end out the door

She also said that I beat my head on the wall and said ok when the police get here I can show them you hit me. When the police did show up she said my head was cut and there was blood on the wall. So I asked them in, the lady cop walked out saying no blood anywhere. I had a skull fracture a few years ago that left me paralized in  diapers for three months, no way am I banging my head on anything. I get scared when I get on the roof now.

Why do you want to stay married?

Im wrestling with that now. I love her and miss the times that were good. But this is a crock. And Im still trying to figure it all out.

Im also still buying into "its all my fault" if only Id done... .xyz

Arter thinking about it I do love her and at 50 I was hoping, knew she was the one. Silly me

Are you willing to talk to a lawyer?

What are your next steps?

Ok going to bed and think. Im still amazed anyone can be so hateful from nowhere

I am but dont have the money.

I don't think you're getting a lot of support here for the fact that you still love her.  I get it.  Believe me, your story is like a lot of others all over this board.  I think we just don't want to see you hurt.  As tough as this is, it's good she showed herself early before there was more damage done.

It is hard to love someone who is great for you half the time, and awful the other half.  This is a very cruel illness and it messes with your head.  Try not to think of "If only I'd... . "  Because you end up boxing yourself into a corner and lose out anyway.  In a normal relationship, people are allowed to make mistakes!  Not have to watch every word.

There are guys here who stayed in relationships by discarding their other friends, doing exactly what their wives want, and they still ended up divorced, just maybe prolonged it a few months.

I know you miss the good times.  BPD people are able to hide their illness for a while.  It's hard to get closure when someone filed an RO.  Just know that deep down, she may know she's not telling the truth. 

Don't worry about being right.  Just try to protect yourself.  "Splitting" by Bill Eddy explains all about their behavior when divorcing you.

Do you have $50 or $100 to pay for a consultation? That's how much it costs where I live to talk to an L for about 30 minutes. Some charge the same for a whole hour.

Often people who feel conflicted like you do (still loving her, but also concerned by what she might do to you) avoid talking to lawyers because that feels like making an emotionally charged decision. But a consultation is different than retaining a lawyer. It's not necessarily about making a decision. For me, I consulted with 3 lawyers and asked a lot of questions about how things might work depending on scenario A, B, and C. Then I thought about things for a long time.

Even just asking questions about the RO, learning what the worse-case scenario could be for you. A lot of BPD sufferers have problems with impulse control. She could just as easily break the RO and then accuse you of doing it. She could accuse you of breaking it even if you don't do anything. It's good to know what you can and can't do to protect yourself, and how to proceed if she ratchets things up. You don't want to be in a position where you have to hire a criminal law attorney. 

Some consultations are free.  You can also post anonymously at avvo.com.  Put in a different town than where you live.

Hang in there.  You could post on the 'staying or leaving' board too.

Livedandlearned, you are great, by the way!

What are the chances of her changing back and dropping all this mess and  going back to the I want you mode?

While I can't predict that, let's just assume that does happen. If so, then it is probably a guarantee that she will flip again. That has been the pattern, as your friend alluded to. I'll share something that my therapist told me early on: personalities typically don't change.  This is leaving aside any PDs.

If she flips you white, she will flip you back black. That is what she has been doing. emotional instability, poor impulse control... . the RO is a new behavior, though. By what you are saying, things seem to be deteriorating each time. This is BPD.

For how long?  An hour, a day, a weekend, a month?  Then, yes, it's possible.  But then what?

You have to understand this is cyclical behavior.  Hot/cold, push/pull, a roller coaster ride like none other.  As one paperback describing a recovered mother's story titled it, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me".  Sadly, this is virtually as predictable as the phases of the moon or the seasons of the year, not necessarily the timing but it will happen.  Unless... . she gets into meaningful therapy (DBT or CBT are recommended), applies it in her thinking and behaviors, in her entire life, and sticks with therapy for years, not doing the motions but living it.  That's a tall order for even reasonably normal people.

Effective therapy is the one and only thing that can break the cycle and relieve her ever-surging emotions and moods, reduce her recurring abandonment fears.  (She likely did this thinking she would abandon you before you could abandon her.  A self-fulfilling prophecy, isn't it?  She's afraid of abandonment and then does it herself and blames you for it.)  Be forewarned though, court takes people as it finds them, it doesn't try to fix, change or improve them.  If you plead with court to get her into therapy, your pleas will very likely fall on deaf ears, they won't force her.  Can you do it for her, can you guide her through it?  No, at most you can support her IF she chooses therapy.  Unfortunately, you've been in an emotionally close relationship with her, the closest, marriage, and you can't help her because anything you say or do will be negatively perceived through all her emotional baggage of the troubled relationship. To illustrate, when the relationship started she wore rose-colored glasses, now she's wearing blacken prisms distorting so much so negatively, neither were reality glasses.

So... . will she start therapy and stick with it for years?  If it happens, great, but don't count on it.  You have to deal with What Is, not What You Wish.

As Turkish wrote, the RO and filing for the divorce is new behavior.  Likely now she has raised the conflict to such a high level - legal action - that there is little chance of her undoing it and going back to the way things were.  Oh, and "going back to the way things were" isn't a fix either, it will just put you back onto her chaotic roller coaster.

I just want the RO dropped. Going to court against her could be bad. She can out talk me anyday. She could almost have me believing it was day when its actually night. And talking in circles until I dont know what the heck is going on.

The reason I worry about that is they could take away my right to have a fire arm. And target shooting is my hobby. Heck her and I went to the range several times.

Peiper, just because our BPD sufferers can talk circles around us doesn't mean they can talk circles around everyone. I was intimidated by my ex husband because he was a former trial attorney. Three and a half years later, he was representing himself in court -- badly, I might add. He lost custody of our son and effectively lost visitation. He is an intelligent, articulate, well-spoken and highly educated man. But BPD is BPD, and his was on full display in court. None of his strengths could compete with the disorder.

You might be letting your fears paralyze you.

Thank you, I just cant get this thing out of my mind. It makes no sense, but after reading on here its starting to. But so far the information only makes me sad and the hurt is still in my gut.

When we go to court do you think I should bring up that she was hospitalized for a mental breakdown that I didnt learn about until after we were married. Seems like mud slinging to me

peiper, it is like a kick in the gut. Even months after she left (since this Feb), it took me a long time to focus past her anger and depression to realize that love, too, is an emotion. She couldn't control or regulate the other emotions, and she also couldn't control or regulate her love. It's an attachment disorder, a disorder of attachment. The security of a r/s we may take for granted with some or even a lot of effort doesn't exist in their worlds. We nons become triggers for their core shame. It has little to do with us, really, which is why we can't assume that we can fix it.

She actually came home from work "flight attendant" with a list of things I needed to do do have her stay. Around twenty or so things. I kinda thought about it, but blew it off. Ive felt for months like a hostage.

When you go to court? Do you mean for divorce? Or for the RO?

It will really help if you talk to a lawyer. Just talk. Ask questions. Find out how things work where you live.

If you divorce and there are no kids, and you've been married for less than a year, there's a really good chance you won't end up in court. And if you did, your lawyer would do most of the talking. When there are no kids involved, and you don't have a lifetime of equity to dissolve, it's not that complicated. BPD sufferers tend to make things more complicated than they need to be, but all things being equal, your case isn't complex.

It could get complex if she escalates and makes more false allegations.

This was in the past before the RO?

Mine came up to me back in May and the conversation basically went, "I'm unhappy. You need to do something about it. Doing A-Z might fix it, but I'm only going to tell you A, you need to figure out the rest. Oh, and we're going to start leaving the kids (S3 and D1) at my mom's while we go figure it out.

No.

It was before, I asked her about it and she said that she thought it would wake me up.

I could tell by the way she turned off text message wise that when she got home things were going to be on the dark side.

Maybe a little, but presented properly it's shining light on all the facts.  Even if it was over 6 months ago (a common time span for incidents to be viewed as 'stale' and not actionable) it can be viewed as history.  It doesn't mean the court will ignore it, but I do think that more information than "hospitalized for a mental breakdown" would be needed to sway a judge. Any other incidents you can prove in your favor?

Call or go by the police station and ask for an incident report.  It may cost you a few bucks to get a copy.  It shows she lied to the responding officer.