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Received a call from the RTC CM saying that DD is still continuing to run at night with the boys and some girls. One of the boys she obviously "hooked up with" as he now got what he wanted and wants nothing to do with her. Or so rumor has it. And once again she is physically fighting with a girl from her house and she has been moved to the house where the first girl she had problems with, and now has formed an alliance with, resides. The probation officer is due out tomorrow. I'm sitting back and letting the cards fall where they may. Although I did inform the CM that this running cannot continue and I would like to request a transfer to a secured facility if it continues. I said at this point I'm concerned about pregnancy which that's all I fricken' need!

Once again the CM told me she's never met anyone quite like DD. Said she is the toughen ones she's encountered. That says a lot! She also reiterated how it's really ashame because DD actually has parents who care... .

Just got off the phone with the district CM's supervisor who informed me that they are well aware of all of the issues going on over at the RTC. She's been in contact with upper management over there and a request for a transfer has been made. For now on I'm going with my instincts. A mother's intution is almost never wrong. My DD has major issues. But I know her better than anyone.

PS: The District CM has 5 other cases in there that she is having removed as well.

Bad day. Which is why this is the third posting. I received a call from my ex that DD's school called him today asking if he was attending 8th grade graduation for DD. This is the first we've heard of this. He was told that due to DD's behaviour at school, she is not allowed to walk down the aisle! How heartbreaking. This is really doing to take a hit to DD's already deflated self esteem. I realize that her behaviour contributed to this. But if she passed, shouldn't she be allowed to at least walk down the aisle? The decision was made and I cannot change it. And I cannot even go to the ceromony tomorrow as I just learned of this 1 hour ago, have to take off from work on Friday to take my dad to the hospital for a procedure, and it starts at 10 am and is over an hour away. I'm back to feeling overly anxious and stressed out.  :'(

I requested visitation be resumed and at least that has now been reinstated. Because obviously it had no affect on DD's behaviour.

It will take about a month to transfer DD to another RTC I was told.

oh raytamtay I feel your pain. I'm so sorry that you are going through this today, it breaks my heart to hear these stories. I hate that our children suffer so much and then we suffer in turn. Im sure your dd is good girl, but she sounds like is deeply troubled, and not letting her walk will no doubt be a tremendous blow. Im glad you are being proactive and have asked for a transfer. In the meantime, try not to stress too much and take care of yourself. Hang in there, and know you have friends here.

I am so sorry raytamtay, that this transfer is taking a while. If a facility cannot keep a child safe, that must be super stressful... . Hopefully that will be a good opportunity for a re-set, so to speak, for you dd.


Yikes! Have you considered that this may have been your dd's goal all along? (she knows you and knows that if she keeps it up long enough, she will wear you out and get what she wants without compliance... . )

I don't want to sound too harsh, at the same time it may be a major victory for your dd and a major set-back in therapy followed by even more acting out.

Is there a way for you to contact dd's the therapist (the one you liked) and maybe ask her opinion on this? She is close to the case and might be able to give you objective feedback... .

You aren't being harsh, but no, I do not feel this was DD's intention. I truly believe that. She simply gave up there. Whether she will at the new place remains to be seen. But without a shadow of a doubt, this place was not for her. Even the district CM said so. They focus on her behavioor and not on what is contribujting to it. Why is she acting out? Why is she so angry. None of that has ever been the focus.

At first I agreeed with the visits stopping hoping it would make her wake up. But after two months realizing it had more of a negative impact, feel it's time to remove the restriction and to give her a sense that she has not been abandoned her a sense that her concerns will be heard when we see her. Not to mention I want to see if there are really brusies. Every person I poke to in this process, besides the RTC, feels visits should have never been suspended.

Received a call from an institutional abuse investigator at lunch time. He told me he's over at the RTC and about to go in to talk to DD. He said the usual protocol is for them to send me a letter with their findings, but he said he'll call me and let me know. Which is cool.

The thing that worries me now, aside from the allegations being true, is now DD will know how to work the system. Whose to say she won't try this at the next place?

Hi raytay,

I just wanted to jump in with my opinion and experience.  As you know, I went through hell with dd when she first entered rtf.  I completely agree with your decision to reinstate visitation and they should have never been revoked.  Your dd needs to know she is part of a family and that you are always willing to go the distance to visit with her.  However, I made my visits dependent on her behavior and attitude with me.  Be respectful to me on the phone or I'm not taking time to drive out there.  Now, home visits and off ground visits are a whole other story.  She needs to earn those. 

Plus, it's so very important to keep an eye on your dd when she is getting into restraints!  I would demand to see a medical report each and every time she is restrained.  Have them email it or fax it to you.  If they won't do that then have them show it to you when you show up for visitation. An idea might be that if your daughter complains of bruises or bumps ask that a picture be taken of the area of her body and sent to you.  That way you know whether to worry about it or not.

I don't want to scare you, but you need to be aware that kids can and have died during these restraints.  Not every day and it's not common but they do.  Then the facility gets vindicated because they "had" to restrain the kid. 

My dd went through a period where she was being restrained a lot because she was misbehaving in order to get over to the hospital.  It's kind of a story, but dd decided to refuse me to be allowed to monitor her treatment.  She rescinded her consent to allow the treatment team to talk to me.  Then she started acting out in order to get to the hospital.  I was not aware of any of this because I told dd she couldn't call me until she signed the consent form again.   By the time I saw her she had 2 HUGE bumps on her head from when she banged her head during a restraint.  I ended up telling the supervisor to either come up with a better safety plan for her or transfer her to the hospital to wait for a transfer to a new rtf.

Anyway, you are doing the right thing.  I know how hard this is and how heartbreaking it is for you to be in this situation.  You're doing such a great job.  Trust your gut!

-crazed

I went to see her Saturday. She has bruises all over her arms that are clearly finger prints. She said the last incident she thought she was going to die because the GUY slammed her to the ground and she hit her head. She said he put his knee in her throat and she couldn't breathe.  She said she heard a crack and she got a pain in her ear. She also had a bruise on her temple that was in the going away stage, but still visible. The only thing I can do now is hope that the institutional investigator and CPS is really monitoring things until she gets transferred. I was informed by the RTC that I have the ability to sign her out. But I was also told by our district CM that if I did, they entire process of out of home would need to start from scratch. While I really would like her removed right now, I don't want to have to start from square one. I asked if I could at least put her back in the shelter until than, but was told I could, but that the process would start from scratch even if I did that. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. What would you do?

Maybe ask if she could be transferred to a hospital while doing the rtc search?  If not then I would request a meeting with the director of rtc and ask the investigator to be there.  Let them know that is not acceptable and that you will be preparing a lawsuit against their facility.  Whether you do or not is your choice but they need to be afraid and to know that they are being so very closely watched.  Also, I'd have someone drop in every single day to check on her, whether it be you or your husband or her dad or the investigator.  I would not bring her home because you can't afford the emotional trauma of taking her out of the facility.  Plus, once she's out and "free" you can't guarantee she won't run and you won't be able to find her.

Check with the judge and see if you can't get a court order to transfer her to a mental hospital to wait for another rtf.  Once I picked the place that dd was going to it took less than 2 weeks to get her moved. 

I would be so worried sick.  I'm so sorry you're going through this!  It really is a judgment call on your part. Whatever you decide is really up to you.  Such a tough touch situation.  I'd be feeling pretty sick right now.   

I'd also demand that she be transported to a regular hospital ER for a look see to make sure there is no damage to her.  Does she have headaches?  I worry she might have a concussion or fracture.

Just a thought... I wonder if you can transfer her to a hospital on your own to await rtf.  We have 2 hospitals here that you just walk into and can sign yourself in.  If you have any like that in your area I'd give them a call and let them know the situation and ask if they can help.  We have Horsham (my favorite hospital) and Fairmount in the Philadelphia area.  It may be "starting over" if you do that, but she will still be in a locked and secure place while she waits.

THe more I think about it, the more I like taking her to an ER.  If she shows up with all those bruises and bumps they will get DYFS involved.  You need help and support I don't think DYFS will allow her to go back into an "abusive" environment. 

Dyfus is already involved. A teacher at DD's school called the institution abuse department and someone came out Friday. My ex called Dyfus. And they are also doing an investigation.

What is your heart telling you to do about all this?  How are you?  I sure wish I could offer some advice that would be useful to you.  Of course, as always we are all here to support you in whatever you have to do. 

Well my heart wants to save her and bring her home. But my head knows that is not the right thing to do. I am glad that the RTC is being watched. That makes me feel better having her stay there until a new RTC is secured. That coupled with me now speaking up about the going on there and my concern about my DD's well being. I'm confident that they are really goint to watch their Ps and Qs for a while. Plus they have been instructed by the Instituion Abuse Investigator to have the staff member in question no where near my DD until the investigation is complete. I feel relieved that they are being watched.

Went for a visit this past Saturday and had to bring along our friend’s 7 year old DD (“S”) who is a little sweety, and who loves DD. I told the little girl that DD was in camp.  Anyway, the visit did not go well.

DD told us when she walked in that she was in a bad mood. So we were warned. DS was there with my ex as it was his visitation week with DS. DS was playing a game on my phone.  To start things off, S asked DD if she smokes.  :)D said no, and asked why she asked. S told her DS showed her a pack of smokes in her room which was the beginning of the end of the visit. DD got mad at DS and they both began bantering back and forth. DD told DS if he said something (I forget what it was, but I know it was minor) one more time, she was going to punch him in the face! Well right there I told her there will be no talk like that. But he did say it again at which point she got up and took the phone away from him. They went back and forth again and this time DD got up and “pretended” she was going to choke him by putting her hands around his neck at which point DS kicked her and pinched her. Well that was it. DD went after DS and DS tried to get at DD while trying to be restrained by my ex. DD started saying how we need to discipline DS or he’s going to turn out like her (snicker). That he’s gonna be hauled off in an ambulance and hold away because of his anger like she was.  At which point ex took son in the hallway and started yelling at him and spanking him (lightly). DD got mad at ex telling him to stop at what point I asked, why? I thought you said we don’t discipline him. She yelled that ex was embarrassing her…

She ended up leaving to take a 5 minute break at which time I talked to my son sternly telling him how he needs to get his anger in check and that he wasn’t innocent in this either. That I don’t care how angry he gets, he is never to put his hands on anyone.  But with DD gone, ex took the opportunity to yell saying how he will never allow DD back in his house. How much help she needs. What a lunatic she is.  Now mind you, as usual, DD didn’t hear this. What she hears is her father telling her what a horrible person I am and using what I say to him against me and telling her everything I have said (which obviously I’ve since learned not to say to him).

DD came back in and DS was still mad. In fact, I have never ever seen him as angry as he was. The look on his face actually made me lol because it was something I never saw before and was kinda of a cute funny. I know, wrong thing to do and I got myself in check too in that regard. Well DD started saying stuff to DS again and DS back to DD and it started all over again with her going after him an visa versa and DD pinched son. Then DD started cursing and I told her if she didn’t stop, I was leaving with S at which point she said we are done here anyway (she started crying a bit). Then she told me she thinks it best she and I don’t see each other for a while and I simply said “ok” as she left wtih 20 minutes left of our visit. I did tell her I loved her before I left and told her I know she is upset but that I would still like a hug good bye, but I was denied. She called ex that night... .why... .because she once again didn't hear what he said about her when she left the building. And once again, it's me who is the bad guy. But you know what? So be it. I choose to take the high road and will never ever stoop to his level.

I bought her a bag of toiletries.  As I was heading towards my car, I heard her cursing up a storm telling the staff member who was escorting her if she didn’t Fing find her Fing bag and Fing finds up someone stole it she’s gonna Fing freak out. It was bad.  She is definitely worse off at this place and I cannot wait until she is moved. She’s taken on a hostile I don’t care attitude that is bad. And he aggression seems to have gotten worse. How she was with DS is how she was with him at home. He is 8 years younger…

She told me she wants to stay there and finish her time. I didn’t get in to it there because she would not like what I had to say and I did not want to subject my son or S to anymore. But she is out regardless of what she wants. She’s lost all rights in that area.

Got pulled aside this morning at DS's camp and was told DS hurt two children yesterday. One he pinched  so hard he broke skin and the other he threw a block out and left a welt on his head... .he has one chance left or he's kicked out of camp... .I had a long talk with him about it and he's being grounded. And no more watching WWE. Ex said he isn't going to let him watch it anymore at his house too... .yeah sure... .

Good to hear from you raytam, I had been wondering how things were going.

I'm sorry you had such a difficult visit and I hope your daughter is moved to somewhere you are happier with soon.

I feel concerned about your son-he is being exposed to a lot of aggression and negativity at a young age. Your ex sounds very inconsistent,

Will family work be part of the package in the future?

It is difficult for you as you can only control your own management of your son's behaviour and not your ex's.

I don't think yelling and spanking are going to help at all.

I don't have the answers but we are all here to support you.

I think your son needs a lot of positive praise and clear but calm consequences for aggressive behaviour - but how difficult when his sister and Dad are giving him such poor role models.

Thanks. I think I have learned a lot with dealing with DD and all, that I've definetly improved on how I parent my DS7. I'm stern, but loving. Although I was with her too and it didn't work. But traditional parenting doesnt work with kids like her, as we all know. It does with DS though. So far... .

Hi Ray,

What is the timeline for moving your D?

What research have you been able to do and how is it going for finding a new RTC?

Your son is suffering. What help is he getting? What about family therapy for you and him together?

I'm asking many questions and I'm sorry for that. I'm concerned for your son. He is a victim.

Finally, I really hope that you have started with the tools and lessons here on this site. You will need to be the one to lead the change in your family. It sounds like your son is asking for help in the only way he knows how which is acting out.

We are looking in to a facility that comes recommended by a mother of a child who was in such a place. It's a dual diagnoses faicility.

Not a bad idea about getting family therapy for DS and I.

As far as the tools mentioned on this site, I have and will continue trying to implement them. But DD sees through it.

Hi Ray,

It is not a matter of DD seeing through it. These skills are for you. It is a change that will help YOU. When implemented, even just starting with one or two skills on a committed and regular basis, positive change will occur with you and eventually to your DD.

Trust us, many of us said the same thing about our kids and that initially it didn't work. But, it does work. Plus, when your DD starts experiencing the change in you, then you are setting the example that things will and can change.

I encourage you to read back through all of your threads and the responses you receive. Especially the responses from many members who have experienced positive results. IT IS POSSIBLE. It is possible to make changes to yourself. You have control over that. Look at your responses that negate the value of the skills.

You can keep coming here and venting and updating us on what is transpiring with your entire family... .a family that is suffering in huge ways. Venting is good. The support here is good. However, everything is ten times better when we ourselves make the changes by learning and using the skills on the right sight of the screen.

If you don't try, and try again, then my experience is that you will keep getting the same result... .a family that is hurting, struggling and is in so much pain. Minimally do it for your son. The same skills that you learn and use will help him. If not for your DD, then do it for him.

Take care Ray.

Sometimes I also feel that DD sees through it all and that it isn't effective but it does help ME and little by little it is making a difference. It should all really help with your son as he is so young.

Are you happy with the amount of time he is spending with your ex?

I really think family therapy would help.

I feel for you because there is a lot that is out of your control but at least you can focus on the things you CAN change-and it WILL make a difference.

You are doing a great job trying to find the right help for your DD.

Being Mindful - As mentioned before, I HAVE BEEN reading and implenting the tools to the right. Never said I wasn't.

Some times we just need to vent and are not asking for advice.

Thanks.

That's great Ray. I'm so glad you are. I completely believe in the skills and have passion that other parents find the same payoff as my family did. Perhaps I offended and if I did I'm sorry. I will refrain from giving you advice as I don't want to make it worse for you. 

I'd be lying if I didn't say that I did sometimes feel a little undermined by some of your responses. I think I'm doing a pretty good job keeping things together and doing what is best for my DD. It's not that I don't welcome advice.  I do. But I usually ask for it.  Perhaps I'm a little touchy, and I appologize for that. But one of my personal goals on bettering myself is speaking how I feel without letting things fester.

Thanks for understanding.


T

I am sorry for you and your family to go through this. My daughter has inflicted harm on herself to get out of RTC previously and we are currently in the process of finding another RTC after the most recent hospitalization.

These cycles are very difficult to endure. I literally feel your pain.

Hi, ramtamtay3 

Has anything changed in the status of your daughter's stay at the RTC she's in, or in the progress of getting her into (maybe?) a Dual Diagnosis Center? Have you gleaned any more information on that place? As everyone who knows my/my son's story, the Dual Diagnosis Center he was admitted to really saved his life and our family's sanity. I truly hope she is able to be admitted to one and is willing to accept the treatment they have in place.

I certainly understand the need to vent somewhere, and to feel able to do so... .Yeah, you can vent here, raytamtay3  *)  And feel safe to do it without judgment. Sometimes when we offer our thoughts about The Lessons (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0) or the TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict) and Communication Techniques (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation), it's just because we've found so much help from them in our own lives that we feel a need to offer them when we see other Moms in pain and angst... .We care about you here, and want to help you so very much 

Keep us in the loop and let us know how things are going, OK? I'd love to know about the Dual Diagnosis Program that you are looking into (of course, right?   ). Like, how long would it last? Is it close to home? Do they have a waiting list, or could she be admitted soon? Is she in any way interested in going there, or still defiant about something else and just wanting to get this RTC finished with? I so hope that somehow she gets an epiphany and realizes she's got a problem, that she needs help for it, and then decides to accept that help. Maybe a DDx Program can help her get to that place, like it did for my son... .

Dear Raytamtay3,

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this!  I know it's exhausting, frustrating, and very sad to see you DD behave so horribly.  Your DD is lucky to have you to advocate for her.  I'm impressed!  What would our kids do without us?

I wish I had some words of advice, but I've never had to deal with the things you're dealing with.  I just wanted you to know you're not alone!

Sending hugs and peace to you!

Received a call from DD last night. Sorry but S.E.T, validation and all that went out the window as I was pissed at her for what she has done. She tried to explain her side of things, even said she knows she was wrong, but as she explained, I could tell she took pride in it! That's what set me off. I did not yell.  I did not accuse. In a stern voice all I asked her, after she told me she was basically an innocent bystander, was 'was she or was she not out of her house at a time she was to be in it and walk to this other girl's house'? She said yes. BUT THAT SHE WASN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING UNTIL THE GIRL SWUNG ON HER! Tried to get my sympathy for having a cut on her eye to which I responded I have no sympathy for that. To which she started cursing to which I hung up the phone. Done. Oh after reminding her she was still on probation, how I was told the parents of the girl in question were pressing charges, and how now she will be going to jail. She said no she won't be. I said oh we shall see about that.

Yikes  

That's really sad, raytamtay3, and under those circumstances I can see how hard that would've been to use the communication tools. You did keep your cool, and followed your boundary of not letting her verbally abuse you. That was good  

Is she really going to go to jail?

Is another RTC or Dual Diagnosis Program out of the picture now?

What are the professionals telling you (at the place she's in, and the CM, etc.)?

It never ends, does it? I'm very sorry... .It does sound like you are using Radical Acceptance for family members (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0) here and getting a bit stronger in letting her deal with the natural consequences of her behaviors. That's cool  *)

Rapt - The RTC she is in now was beyond a waste of time as they do not conduct themselves in a professional manner at all. I truly believe the therapist she sees there lets youth congregate in her office! I actually know for a fact because every time DD calls me now, it's from her office, and DD is half talking to me and half talking to the other girls there. Such a waste of time.  I really don't know what's going to happen to be honest with you.  I haven not heard anything yet.  All I know at this point is that she is in some sort of system that sends her packets of information to a central location for various RTC's to review and decide if they want to accept her at which point, meet and greets are set up.

Dear Raytamtay,

I think I would have lost my cool, if I were dealing with your DD.  So I commend you in handling it as well as you did.   |iiii  We parents are human too, and it's hard to respond to every single situation the way we'd like... .especially when our BPD kids push our buttons.

I wish this were easier for you!  It must be so frustrating to put your trust in an institution that is supposed to help your DD, and still watch her decline.  I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Hang in there!

DD is said to be having a good week at the RTC so far this week, which I'm very happy about.  So visits resumed. I had plans on going last weekend but due to her behaviour, they were suspended. I made plans to take my DS7 to a peach festival in our town this weekend, so I told her I would not be coming, but that her dad will.  I feel so guilty though.

Dear Ray,

Oh boy, do I understand your guilt!  I think I can safely say ALL us parents feel guilty when we make the choice to care for ourselves and other family members first.  But, guilt is a feeling we can control.  For me, I ask myself, "Have I done everything I can?  Is there anything I could have done better or differently?"  If I know I've done the best I could with the skills, knowledge and experience I had at the time, that helps reduce my guilt.  What can you say to yourself about this to reduce your guilt? 

I do believe you have done everything you could, so in this case, your guilt is not serving you. 

Hang in there! 

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been MIA for a while. We are still in a holding pattern trying to have DD transferred to another RTC. Our new DCM has been unresponsive to my request for a status report, which is extremly frusterating. The end of this month we are back in court again as DD has three complaints filed against her from people at the RTC... .another $250 out the window for the lawyer. oh joy!

On a postive note, tonight my DH and I will be attending our first NAMI support group meeting! He has been home from work due to having his gallbladder removed a couple of weeks ago, and when I asked if he's like to come with me tonight, he said yes. Woo-hoo! I'm very happy about that and will make sure he knows it. (o;

This way I will get to meet some of the folks whom I will be taking the 12 week NAMI course with beginning next month as well. Plus I get nervous going someplace unfamiliar alone so having DH with me gives me no excuses to back out either.

On another positve note, I will be going on a girlfriends cruise in October! It's a short one but I am so excited and so looking forward to turning off my phone, kicking back and recharging my batteries! 

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm going to try and read through some of the posts to get up to date.  

Good to hear how things are going-hope you enjoy the course

Despite all the drama from your DD, you sound so much more centered today.


Ahhh!  That sounds wonderful!  I'm envious!  You've made me realize how important it is to have something to look forward to.  I need to plan a little get away for myself too.

|iiii

DD has been begging me to get her out of the RTC. I told her while I'm trying all I can (trying to get a hold of her DCM for a status, letting her lawyer know what's been going on, contacting her probation officer regarding same, etc.), I'm limited on what I can do. I told her she needs to do her part (behave herself there) and I will do my part.  She was doing fairly well the past two weeks in that she wasn't running off in to the woods. And we've been talking a lot on the phone and she has been saying how she's trying really hard so she can come home for visits again. And then, low and behold, I get a call from her CM at the RTC saying how she and 6 of her peers took off in the woods Wednesday night by climbing out of their windows and how the other youth, with the exception of my DD and a male peer, came back around 2am Thursday morning and my DD and the male peer, 4:00 am Thursday morning! This "male peer" is her boyfriend there. She's told me all about him. How he was in there for weapons charges... .lovely. So I guarantee before all is said and done, she's gonna get pg. That is my prediction. What do I do then? I will not allow her back in my home with a baby that could have been prevented, And I told her that. She's had every opportunity to be put on birth control.

I FINALLY got a call back from our new DCM. This was the first time we really got to talk extensively, which is something I've been trying to do for months now! Well to make a long story short, after I told her all of my DD's history, etc., she realizes she is in the wrong type of facility all together! That she doesn't need to be in an RTC that deal with behavorial problems, that she needs something called a "spec level" of care which deal with pychiatric problems! Well duh! This is what I thought we were getting! She acted all mad that DD has been in the wrong place! I told her, nicely, that this was why I've been wanting to talk to her. I broke down saying we wasted over 6 months now! Anyway, she is suppose to contact DD's therapist at the RTC to ask for a new JCR to be set up and sent to a facility that has "spec level" of care. Grrr... .!

It does not sound like the current facility is able to keep your daughter safe or give her the tools she needs to do better. It sounds like the center is exacerbating the problems.  My thought would be are there other options for treatment that do not involve adolescent group settings?

I am thinking of the possibility of a therapeutic foster home and DBT therapist. Honestly, any setting where there are peers with issues makes my daughter imitate the negative and become worse. Since you are her guardian, you can sign her out anytime, anywhere, from any place and you must make the final decisions.

There was one facility that put my daughter in inappropriate seclusion, and she was going absolutely nuts, ready to attempt another suicide she was so distraught. They did not allow her to call me for over two days. I signed her out so fast it made the staff's head spin. They are lucky I did not pursue legal charges. If I even suspected abuse, there is no way I would allow my daughter to be there another minute. Kids have died from inappropriate restraints.

I was told I can sign her out any time I want to. But she cannot come home at the mental state she is in. Period. So my hands are tied at the moment.

Dear Raytamtay,

WOW!  I'm so glad SOMEONE finally listened to you and that they are going to do something about it!  I hope they're able to find the proper kind of psych facility or home for your DD ASAP!  Our mental health system is so lacking, it's very scary.

Keep us posted on your progress.  And hang in there!  Are you counting days until your GF cruise?

Hell yeah! lol. Today during my lunch break I went to the post office to apply for my passport card! 2 months from this Sunday! I just hope everything goes smoothly.

We have different situations. Yes I can sign my DD out at any time, but then I'll have the court to contend with too because she was court ordered there. In addition, we need the advocacy (sp) that the agency we are dealing with affords. But let it be known, I am my DD's true advocate. I'm learning a lot as I go. But rest assured, I'm on top of everything. I have our attorney involved, DD's probation officer and the probation officer's suprvisor and I also have the judges ear. So I feel confident that things will get done properly now. Thankfully my DD isn't suicidal (yet). And thankfully she can hold her own.  Plus the RTC now realizes that we are not the type of parents who brush our kid off on them and say they are your problem now. I'm hands on and they know it now. And they are really watching themselves now with my DD.

UPDATE: Received a letter from the Insitutional Abuse Investigation Division yesterday that stated the allegations of abuse against my DD were "Unfounded". Same deal with CPS.

Ugh! That must be so frustrating! Impossible to know if the RTC is doing a good cover up job, or if there is credence to you DD's complaints. In any case, it sounds like it's just not the right place for your DD, so they aren't equipped with the right kinds of experts & staff to help her. I can't wait for you to tell us they've moved her to a more appropriate place!

Had our visit this past Saturday, which did not go well.  Her father met me there. I left DS at home with my DH.  Off the bat DD was upset/mad because the boy she was "dating" at the RTC has had enough with her and is talking about her and saying how he's now interested in another girl in the same housing DD resides. So she was pissed off. Even talking about him infront of her dad who is a typical dad who doesn't want to hear his DD has a boyfriend, let alone one at an RTC let alone the race he was... .For the record, I have no problem with any nationality, race or greed, gender, etc. as long as whomever my DD ends up withh treats her right. But I digress... .

So anyway she was pissed off about that. The boy's camp is directly accross from where we were meeting with her and there was a window facing the boy's camp and the boy in question was visible from where we were.

Things really took a turn for the worse when DD said how her CM said if she continues to makes status there, they may allow her a day pass for her Birthday, which is September 7.  She said how she wants to come home for it and that she will spend 8 hours with us and only asks for two to spend with her friends. I told her no. That she is not to be unsupervised yet and her father and I tried to negociate with her telling her that we would bring a couple of friends of hers out to dinner with us or to LBI (which is close to the facility) for the day. Not good enough for her. She would not take no for an answer. Would not negociate. I held my ground and she walked out. Her father, for a change, actually said things against her and backed me up which she did not like at all because he always sides with her.

So as we are leaving I see a bunch of the boys on their cottage steps and one kept saying "Hi T". I thought maybe he thought I was her or something because I could not pyhsically see her.  Here she comes from around the building close to where they were with a staff member trailing behind her asking her what she's doing out of area.  She told me in the visit how she wanted to punch the boy in the face. I told her that is not a good idea, etc., but she was not listening.  I'm waiting to hear something happened any day now... .God I'm so sick of this crap!

How frustrating this is!  I am encouraged that her father aligned with you about her behavior this time.  She sounds very troubled and so difficult to handle! 

I wish I had words of wisdom for you!   

Hang in there and keep us posted.

Thanks HealingSpirit. I forgot to mention, the pcychatrist at the RTC contacted me about starting DD on Concerta. Anyone have experience with that?

My son was on Concerta for ADD when he was younger (4th grade or so).  We liked it because it was long acting and he only needed to take a pill in the morning so no embarrassing trips or forgotten trips to the school nurse's office at lunchtime.  It is a long acting form of Ritalin which he had previously been on.  My son did well on it. Helped him focus.  By the time he was 17 he decided to take himself off his ADD meds.  I was okay with trying that but if I saw negative affects he'd be going back on.  I really didn't see a drastic change so he's now not on anything, maturity seems to have been a factor in his case he's now 21. (He is not BPD)

Is your daughter ADD or ADHD?

I don't have any sage advice regarding your daughter but I did want you to know that you are supported.   

I hate to be a party pooper, but this is how I met my ex. I was one of those guys a little over four and a half years ago. I'm willing to answer questions about my experience in there via PM if you want a little more clarity.

For the record, my mom has BPD and she strung together enough lies in front of doctors to get me admitted to one of these programs for a month. I was cut off from other family members and friends that could have vouched for me and said my mom was unstable.

From experiencing it myself, these programs aren't helpful. It's like Big Brother, but nobody gets voted off, and what little group therapy there was usually resulted in us just cracking jokes at everything. So basically it was a handful of sexually curious/mentally unstable teenagers sitting at a few tables playing cards and drawing all day. At night we'd have a light hearted "group therapy" session that lasted all of 30 minutes before watching a movie together or being left to entertain ourselves. Take a guess what happened anytime the staff turned their backs, and you're probably in the ballpark.

I don't understand how putting self-destructive teens with other self-destructive teens in a closed environment will somehow solve their problems.

My DD has the lack of impulse control side of ADHD. That is what they are wanting to treat. She doesn't think before she reacts. She was on Tenex before and it seemed to help her stop and think. I'm hopeful this will as well.

UPDATE: Just got off the phone with the phychatrist and gave my verbal consent for them to start DD on Concerta. **God please work**  I hate that she has to be on anything, but if it can help her, I am all for it!  Pray for her.  :'(

My DH thinks I should have waited until DD is transferred to another facility before starting her on meds saying so they can see the real her. To me if it helps her, what difference would that make? He angers me sometimes in his mentality.

My dd ran from wilderness 2x and they told me she was unusually tough... she transferred to a locked down facility after that and has not run away

You never know, raytamtay3, what event will turn things around and make them better. A medication that "works" can be a life-changer, making the next facility a better fit and the right place for your daughter. Your Husband is nervous, afraid and fearful of another poor fit for her recovery... .I can understand why that is frustrating for you, but I can feel his pain, also  



Welcome, tokyotea, to the Parenting a Son or Daughter with BPD Board  

I am glad that it seems your daughter has possibly found a facility that is right for her, and I'm sure that gives raytamtay3 some hope  :)  We're looking forward to you starting a thread on this Board telling us your story; we'd love to get to know you... .

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I'm going to lock this thread now, because it has reached its page limit. This topic is very worthwhile, and I encourage you to continue the story in another thread, raytamtay3... .Thanks! And you know that we all are very interested in seeing your daughter find the right place for her, to find the perfect help for her, so that she makes her way into recovery and a good and happy life