BPDFamily.com

After some research I can admit to my part in the failure of this BPD relationship; I likely have some codependency issues.

Can anyone provide some resources for overcoming codependency? If there is reading material or a workbook I can work through to get started right away that would be great; but I would also consider a group or anything else. I'd like to use what's most effective so I can truly recover and not simply mask the problem.

FWIW, I've discussed my codep issues with my T without deferring to self help resources and the mere consciousness made an immediate change to me.  I examined a few basic and important questions:

1. Why do I want to help?

2. Who do I want to help?

3. What do I feel when I am able to help?

4. What do I feel when I am not able to help, or when my help is not reciprocated?

And going forward:

5. How can I offer help in a more healthy and effective way, both to me and to the other?

I hope this helps 

TIL

Have you seen this article?

Codependency and Codependent Relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships)

This workshop:

TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0)

Or these books:

Conquering Shame and Codependency - Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232623.0)

Other Books (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=search2)


A friend gave me a book called "How to be an adult." There's a section called "Maintaining Personal Boundaries" that includes a checklist on "boundaries in relationships" that I found helpful (pasted below). I read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, but I felt like pretty much every behavior could be described as codependent, including ones that seemed contradictory. Still, that book is considered the gold standard. She also wrote a more updated version that isn't so specific to substance abuse, which the first one is.

When your boundaries are intact in a relationship, you:

1. Have clear preferences and act on them

2. Recognize when you are happy/unhappy

3. Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you while remaining centered (live actively)

4. Do more when that gets results

5. Trust your own intuition while being open to others' opinions

6. Live optimistically while co-working on change

7. Are only satisfied if you are thriving

8. Are encouraged by sincere ongoing change for the better

9. Have excited interest in self-enhancing hobbies and projects

10. Have a personal standard that, albeit flexible, applies to everyone and ask for accountability

11. Appreciate feedback and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate

12. Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible

13. Are strongly affected by your partner's behavior and take it as information

14. Integrate sex so that you can enjoy it but never at the cost of your integrity

15. See your partner as stimulating your excitement

16. Let yourself feel anger, say "ouch!" and embark on a program of change

17. Act out of agreement and negotiation

18. Only do favors you choose to do (can say no)

19. Honor intuitions and distinguish them from wishes

20. Insist others' boundaries be as safe as your own

21. Mostly feel secure and clear

22. Are always aware of choices

23. Are living a life that mostly approximates what you always wanted for yourself

24. Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed

25. Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious

(the above 25 points define "self-parenting"

When you give up your boundaries in a relationship, you:

1. Are unclear about your preferences

2. Do not notice unhappiness since enduring is your concern

3. Alter your behavior, plans, or opinions to fit the current moods or circumstances of another (live reactively)

4. Do more and more for less and less

5. Take as truth the most recent opinion you have heard

6. Live hopefully while wishing and waiting

7. Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving

8. Let the other's minimal improvements maintain your stalemate

9. Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed activity

10. Make exceptions for this person for things you would not tolerate in anyone else and accept alibis

11. Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity

12. Keep trying to create intimacy with a narcissist

13. Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results

14. Will forsake every personal limit to get sex or the promise of it

15. See your partner as causing your excitement

16. Feel hurt and victimized but not angry

17. Act out of compliance and compromise

18. Do favors that you inwardly resist (cannot say no)

19. Disregard intuition in favor of wishes

20. Allow your partner to abuse your children or friends

21. Mostly feel afraid and confused

22. Are enmeshed in a drama that unfolds beyond your control

23. Are living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable

24. Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed that way (no bottom line)

25. Believe you have no right to secrets

(the above 25 points define "co-dependency)

Codependents Anonymous is a 12 - step group/program that has both local and online meetings.  I think it's a great resource.

Books:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself Paperback

By Melodie Beattie (Also available in audio form)

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

By George K Simon

Who's Pulling Your Strings?: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life

By Harriet Braiker

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

By Susan Forward

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

By Susan Forward

one of the best things I've read about codependency, indeed the core of virtually ALL dysfunction, is Karpman triangle. In fact, somewhere on this site is a thread posted by Lynne Forrest (sp?) called "the 3 faces of victim". It is truly worth a read!

I really like that article, too. Here is the link: The Three Faces of Victim – Lynne Forrest (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0;viewResults)

this is also is a great little tool, simple, brief, and poignant www.bing.com/videos/search?q=the+story+of+o+and+the+missing+piece&FORM=VIRE3#view=detail&mid=B81FC86E4289B2AD9E14B81FC86E4289B2AD9E14