BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I need a way to communicate to my girlfriend what my emotional needs are.  Yesterday when I tried to explain the need for her to sometimes come to me and apologize backfired.  She said she wont reward my insecure behavior by apologizing.   

What brought this on is that I told her in the supermarket to hurry up with the shopping as I wanted to watch the world cup game last night.  She knows this is super important to me.  The game was already 40 minutes in and she was really moving slowly at the shops.  I mentioned to her that we must hurry up and she got angry and brought up all the things I have done wrong in the past.   

On marriage builders they have a questionnaire for couples.  www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

Are any of you familiar with this?  How will a pwBPD respond to this?  I need a way to tell her that some of my needs are not being met.

Hi itgirl,

it seems to be a very rational way to deal with a quite emotional topic. Such a questionnaire also may rely on quite a bit of introspection and  self reflection - not the typical strength of someone with BPD. Behavioral changes brought on by insight are rare in our relationships. They may happen but generally we get more mileage by

- introducing a validating communication style into the relationship

- refusing to tolerate disrespectful behavior and protecting us against that with boundaries


A good way would be to limit some to one that truly matters and communicate it via SET or DEARMAN depending on what it is. Then consistently follow up. Any change is in established relationships is hard to bring about and in ours this it doubly true.