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i feel i am stuck in one of the phases of healing. i have been in NC for 3 months now. The relationship lasted for only 6 weeks. i went to a therapist afterwards. the therapy lasted for 8 weeks. my therapist said that he can not see any major thing with me (no childhood trauma or codependecy). he actually said that i was fortunate to discover the truth early and leave. he also informed me that my rumination, anger and all the feelings i have are normal cause a break up with a BPD is different as you are exposed to a lot of toxicity.

I was feeling better when i ended the therapy. i slipped once 2 weeks ago and checked her fb. now back to a higher level rumination, anger, blame, shame, doubts and so on. i have some unresolved issues during the last couple of years. i was escaping them. escaping them by going out and drinking. i did not like to sit by myself and resolve those issues cause i was avoiding the pain. she appeared to be the light in the end of the tunnel for me yet turned out to be a pit to hell. i learned it the hard way with her that i should be comfortable sitting with myself and resolving my issues and feeling the feelings cause that is healthy even if these feelings are negative. My self esteem was wearing the last couple of years cause i used to blame myself for things out of my control.

Now i am looking forward to reclaim my life. I feel that ruminating over her for 3 months is a lot. It is either two things. either my body (through emotional pain) is trying to alert me about an issue i have to address as it is too long time of rumination for a 6 week old relationship. or i am processing the pain of other unresolved issue in the form of ruminating over her. i do not know really, our brains can be so complex. i just feel that i am stuck. i have learned my lessons but i need to move on. i do not know how to do this. i still think about her all day long, not in a lovely romantic way but with a lot of questions, anger, flashbacks... . I am bored of still thinking about her yet i cant get over it. can it be that i am processing another unresolved issues' pain in the form of her ?

My therapist diagnosed me with phase life crisis as my life circumstances were screwed for the last couple of years and thats why i invested a lot and rapidly in this relationship cause it was the only thing feeling good in my life during this time. he said that the crisis will pass soon and i just have to grab my lessons from this experience and move on. i feel that my therapist is very easy on me regarding that i have the right to ruminate and grieve for long. even my friends (who know her ) say that any of them would have gone doing what i did exactly and i was alert and was not sucked in. i am trying to express myself here as much as i can.


is it wrong to ruminate for long ? is my mind trying to alert me that some unresolved issues are still there ? i feel lost and stuck. i know i should feel ok about being stuck and not be hard on myself. i am letting the feelings flow but i am still searching

Rumination, or repetitive thought, typically ends when we abandon or attain a goal.  When impossible to abandon or attain, it's still possible to re-frame our thinking, which may shift the goal.

You are about to start a new life in a new country.  That will reframe your perspective, just by relocation itself. 

It's okay to be stuck.  It's okay to be aware of the "loop" that your brain is in.

Sometimes, now, I do three things:  (1) step outside of myself and watch the loop of repetitive thoughts without judgment, or (2) shut down my brain by absorbing its attention in reading or writing or physical activity, or (3) come here and read other's stories and think about how much larger the world is than my individual pain.

You are on a good path, AJ.  Keep walking.  One foot in front of the other.

just reading this made me smile :) you are following my story that i am travelling soon :) thank you for showing care letting go. you are one of the most helpful people here. your words are not only to comfort but are also full of wisdom and reality. |iiii