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I haven't posted here about my case this year because compared to most stories here, mine is low-conflict. We have S4 and D2 together. Never married (just a permanent engagement, thankfully). She left the house 5 months ago to be with my replacement. I didn't fight it once I came here in September and realized what I was up against. HF BPD Waif (though in our r/s, Queen, Witch and Hermit were there... . she described herself as all of these, though Witch with a "B".

We've been doing a 3-2-2-3 schedule that has been working well. Exchanges are at her mom's, which is good because I can go for a quite a long time without seeing her. 90% of communication through email. Only had to see her once in the last month when we went to investigate schools for S4. I convinced her to take the kids with us as a safety net for me (I didn't tell her that of course). Besides, it was on her day, and I'll take any extra time with them I can get.

Other than her unwise decision to introduce the kids to my replacement right after she left, which started causing behavioral problems with the kids at a certain point, there has been no conflict. I use SET.  She recently tried to bait me in a way in an email, and I used BIFF and ignored the underlying FOG she was emitting.

1. Served her the first time with the joint custody stipulation. I had shared with her a draft through email. My L said I was handling it well (as did my T), and that he would be in the background awaiting my instructions after he served her with the document through the mail.  She had been bringing them to church an alternating Sundays (I'll leave out my theories on this, since they aren't relevant to the board), so I was seeing her about twice a month. I finally asked her about the stipulation. It took her almost three weeks to open and looked at it. She apparently doesn't check her mail frequently. A week later, she said that she didn't see any financial package in there (child support... . I make about twice her salary). I explained that custody and CS were two seperate things as far as the court was concerned, but she was focused on the money. I relayed this to the L, he said he would reserve her with it as a package.

2. Served her the second time with custody and CS together. This was late April. I had argued with the L through email that his calculation for her was wrong. He was adamant he did it correctly. I saw uBPDx at S4's soccer practice. I told her that the amount came out much lower than I had expected. She said that it was ok, in a resignedly manner.  I offered to pay what we had verbally agreed upon back in November, which was lower than guideline.

I finally "convinced" her that we needed to file legally to protect us all. She wanted to have this unofficial forever. No! She was a bit Waifish in resigning herself to receiving about half of our verbal agreement. Ok. Told the L to send it, despite me feeling that the calculation was wrong.

3. She sat on the package for two weeks again without opening it, even though I told her it was coming. She emailed me that her income was a lot higher on the sheet than what she made. I replied sympathetically, saying that I thought so as well, and that I had argued with the L about it.  She thanked me for following up on it (?, but ok)

I offered to pay the verbally agreed amount, and she replied with something like, "I appreciate the offer, Turkish, but I don't want you throwing in my face later that you are taking care of me." She stated something like that twice in a short email. I responded BIFF, focusing back on the kids what was best for them. Sent it to the L, and he replied, "that's a remarkable demonstration of both humility and hubris." Yes... . Waif/Queen, in BPD terminology.

The L did a mea culpa and said he didn't know what he was thinking when he wrote it, and apologized, that he pulled the whole file with the pay stubs and sent the right amount, which was around $200 higher than our verbal agreement. I sent it to uBPDx. She read it and said, "looks good." I emailed L quickly: "serve her again!"

4. We have been in an email conversation about a trip she is taking the kids on next month to go visit her sister, and we are also talking about how S4 is going since he just started his first preschool experience. I got an email today where she was saying that I could pay her just the lower amount (the very low mis-calculated $$), rather than our verbally agreed upon amount which I have been paying. No mention at all of the guideline amount, so it's like she didn't even pay attention to the sheet, she just looked at what it said her income was. As in the beginning, it's like she isn't even reading these things.

When I sent her just the first stipulation, her only feedback was, "looks good" I, of course, caught a typo where one of the kids' birthdays was wrong. That's the detail I go into.

5. So I sent her another email asking her to state that she is ok with the guideline amount (since I was confused by her mention of the other amounts). She replied that she would look at it again tonight or tomorrow when I had the kids. And to email one of her personal email accounts, since I've been communicating through work email (I'm awaiting a response from her, not the other way around, but ok). I sent L a short note saying that we might yet again have to serve her depending upon her response.

I asked the L if this was legal, and he said it was legal to pay "below guideline" and it just had to be stated in the contract showing the guideline amount. He said the only problem would be that she could come back later for more support without showing change of circumstance. But then added "but that isn't really a problem," italics his. I think he is saying that with her so detached and not even taking the stipulation to do a free legal consult (as he encouraged her in the cover letter), that as long as I keep going what I am doing, I'm probably ok.

I know the courts don't care about 529s, but I told her back in Nov, that I wouldn't be able to afford to keep contributing to S4's. She said that she wanted me to, and also to start one for D2 (I've been waiting for a major market correction... . dollar cost averaging, you know). She also doesn't want me to "lost the house, but to leave it to the kids."

She's triggering herself on her own impoverished childhood, does feel some guilt (more shame, as she's played it publicly that he new young bf isn't the Homewrecker).  Alot of this is dependent upon me merely accepting reality rather than acting out on my anger, and keeping my mouth shut in town, despite her humiliating me on FB and to her friends, while she was living with me and throwing the r/s in my face.  In any case, I am not above using FOG on her myself. It may be coming to that point. I'm not so pathological, as I was just as impoverished as she was. My kids can work for it as I did.  *)

I could have it a lot worse just due to her being different, but I also cold make it a lot worse if not detaching my emotions from what I need to do to protect myself and the kids.

So, that's the story up to today. I'll just enjoy this weekend with the kids and let next week worry about itself. It isn't going anywhere.

This sounds right.  If she agrees to a lesser amount, fine as long as the calculated amount is shown somewhere in the document.  We did that with my ex in 2011.  And it's true, if she wants more she can file for the larger amount probably get it easily.

Maybe your agreement can state that since she takes less than the calculated amount then you will use some of that difference (stay vague, don't promise it all in case you're jobless sometime) to fund the 529s.

You need to find out how the process works if the other party doesn't act, and move this forward, or you will stay enmeshed with her forever.

In my state, you file papers with the court, and the other party has a few weeks to respond, but if she doesn't respond, the court assumes that means she agrees, and issues the court order based on what you filed.

Your lawyer should know how the process works.  You have bent over backward to include her in the process.  Now it's time to move ahead and let her decide how she wants to deal with it - either respond to what you file as she is supposed to, or let the court make the decision based on what you file.

Good idea about the 529s. I'll ask the lawyer how that works in CA. I know it doesnt count in the calculation.

My concern is that if she files later, I'll be making a lot more money, but I won't worry about that now. It will give me at least a few years of respite. The house needs some windows (for security if nothing else), and my carnis 5 years olds, so in about 3 years, i might to start considering another one...

She is so prideful, that as long as I keep it civil, I doubt she will go after me, unless we experience heavy inflation or something. I helped her buy a new car, to get me off the loan for the expensive SUV I bought just before she called us done. So she'll be fine for a number of years in that regard. Besides, as long as I am employed, I can offer to cover more non stipulated expenses for the kids. She's adamant about being the one to buy their clothes,.which might seem weird, but it fits her personality, as well as her BPD traits (somewhat of a shopping addiction, and dressing them properly since they are reflections of her as she suffers from anxiety about people seeing her as a bad mother). I told her I appreciated that, but I buy them some clothing as needed. Let her "control" that, and do what I need to do on my side.

This is the last time. I'll answer her this weekend, and having written it simply through email, may even call her to repeat it. In the beginning, she didn't want me to waste money on a L (it takes $ from the kids, I didn't enter that FOG), but I will say that each of these iterations costs money.

An outline of the custody stipulation was already filed, but not the support. From what the L.told me, the court is likely to just look at it and sign. It would be nice to "include" her in this process to not trigger bad behavior, but I am getting tired of still Parenting her. She's in idealization phase with my replacement, so I sense a clock ticking... . she went to a bad place emotionally when her last young Narc dumped her, and i'd like this done before that starts deteriorating. I also experienced her suicidal in our home 3 years ago and have the all but a suicide note to prove it (i read it to my T and he said,  "she needs hospitalization.".

Her wanting me to come over and hang out with her and the kids on Sat concerned me, as this is something new. Inviting me over to her.parents' on Father's Day felt normal, as they all like me. I could be reading something into it which isn't there, but I know her well, and I see patterns... .

"... . I see patterns."

This is what concerns me.

It's not your job to see patterns, or to parent her, or to remain enmeshed with her.

This is a legal matter.  It should be handled through your attorney and the court.

When the lawyer mailed the paperwork, did he prove she received them?  I ask because proving service is an important technicality.

Yes. She signed and returned the receipt of service. I told her she had to do that when I saw her at church that time, otherwise we'd have to send a process server to her. The L asked me in the beginning if she would agree to be served by mail, as it would keep it lower conflict. She returned it the next day. If I have to tell her these things so she doesn't have to hire a lawyer (which I might have to pay for), then all the better.

Matt: I get what you are saying, and thanks for keeping it real. My comment about patterns is my earnestness about getting this done soon, especially before she takes the kids on a short vacation out of state the end of next month (her job, her family, her bf are all here... . I don't fear a flight risk, but I still have a little nervousness).

All in all, our co/parallel parenting is going smoothly, aside from the bf incident, but the kids also need to accept certain realities. I'm still in somewhat of a better position having done the adult thing legally, she moved out of my home (and I put my address as S4's home for the school paperwork, which is why I offered to be the one to go down and sign him up), and she knows I'm better with the kids due to her anxiety and BPD traits. I'm walking a delicate balance, but may be still lingering on the outskirts of FOG. She volunteers more info about the kids than I do. After things are filed, my boundaries come down a little harder.

Update: she agreed to the terms. She actually called me to discuss it and some other things regarding the kids. I was honest and said I'd stop contributing to S4's college fund at the end of the year, and wouldn't be able to start one for D2. It's the truth, but I am not above using FOG myself.

The L noted it in the stip in general language.

She called me tonight and said D2 fell and broke her collarbone. Looks like I'll be spending the weekend helping with that... .

So sorry to hear that.  Usually kids bounce well, so be alert to anything that sounds out of place, just in case.