BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

Separated 10 months from my uBPDstbxw with no children. Eligible to file for divorce in 2 months in my state in the United States.

I don't want to have any direct contact with her outside of a court room ever because she has proven to be a violent and dangerous person.

Is it realistic to think I can achieve a divorce from her without ever speaking to her directly at all? Can my lawyer just contact her lawyer and negotiate? If she doesn't get a lawyer, could my lawyer contact her and work out details and a settlement without me having to hear her voice?

Peace,

AO

Man I know how you feel about not even wanting to hear her voice!  I feel nauseous when I even read one of her emails   

We did our divorce with one lawyer.  I paid him so he represented me. I think you will have to communicate MORE if there's only one lawyer involved because they can only represent one client.  They can not advise the other client on anything. I had to relay all the information to my X.

I could be wrong but that's the way it worked out for me.

Good luck AO! Do you have kids?  It sucks if you do.  You'll never be able to get RID of them! 

Sorry just read about no children ... . Lucky You!

Yes, you can do everything through lawyers.

During the first year after things get filed, it's a good idea to do as much as you can through lawyers.

I was afraid of my ex husband, both during my marriage, and when I left. For the first two years, if we ever had to be in the same room, I found it was easier to not have eye contact with him. It was difficult listening him lie and project and distort things, but the repeated exposure to him in a safe and public place actually helped me move on.

We have a child together, so I've had to be in court more than I wish. But the house and car title, plus trying to collect legal fees -- all of that cost me extra trips back to court too.

I don't know how people get through any of this without a therapist. If you can afford it, it will help you work through this so much faster than if you tried to do it on your own. Especially if you find a good therapist. I realize now that my therapist helped me see N/BPDx as a very wounded child, and to see myself as a capable, reasonable adult with strong boundaries. Much better to feel that way than like a fearful victim, which is how I felt at the beginning of all this.

Peace to you, AO.

Thank you Livednlearned & MWC for your responses. Much appreciated.

My state has two options : a no fault divorce and a fault divorce (which the fault has to be proved). If I file before she does I'll go with the no fault. Hopefully it will take months or less to be free of her. Abandonment is one of the fault divorce options to file. Having people come into court to testify that she abandoned me seems like more grief than its worth.

Wow-sounds like you are talking about my future ex wife.  I don't ever want to see/hear/or be around her ever again.  I have kids. My ex was also dangerous and violent.  I was able to get a restraining order against her that stated the only communication she could have with me or the kids was electronic.  You might try that. 

One thing about having kids -- it's probably harder to avoid seeing each other face to face. Especially if you end up in court.

My ex is a former trial attorney, and he ended up representing himself. So twice he has cross-examined me on the witness stand. There are so many other things I'd rather do than experience that.

I can't tell you how awful I felt going into that first testimony. But my therapist gave me some tips, and then I got up on the stand and didn't have eye contact with him, just looked to the left of him. A couple of times I caught glimpses of him and I was surprised how I felt. He's just some guy with a mental illness.

That I don't live with anymore!

I met with a divorce lawyer yesterday and paid him today upfront for what he thinks it will all cost. He said he will start working on my case in about a week. He told me I wont have to speak to her at all. This guy seems good. It's hard to imagine him losing cases.