BPDFamily.com

Over the last month, ex-Hubby has been asking if we could get back together.  Also asking if he could come over during my parenting time.

I've tried to be firm.  He didn't like that.  So he is making all kinds of false claims to our parenting coordinator.  She knows they're not true, so I am not worried about that.  He says I'm not letting him speak to the kids, that their doctors aren't calling him back, bla bla bla.  All nonsense.

Tonight he called to talk to the kids twice in a row.  They talked to him.  Then he started calling me to yell about stuff.  I firmly said we had to email about it.  So he kept calling and I stopped answering.  Then he left a sweet message saying he wanted to talk to the kids.  Then he told his family that I was withholding the kids.

He's just trying to engage me, obviously.  But how do I end this?  PC knows about it and could tell him to stop it and talk to his doctor.  But he will just get angrier.  I am worried he could hurt the kids.  I have no proof that he could do so.  He displayed angry behavior toward them right before the divorce, putting our baby on the edge of the bed to scare me and lying and saying she seemed sick when she wasn't.  In court, those things sound minor.

Most people say he's just trying to scare and intimidate me.  It's working!

Should I just keep documenting, talk to a shrink, and keep in contact with the PC?  Or should I finally just go to court, say he's behaving erratically, and try to get visitation supervised pending a psych eval?  That's a big can of worms and in the end it may go nowhere. 

For those who've read similar posts from me before, I apologize.  He starts behaving normally sometimes and I think things are better, and then he cycles back to this.  I worry that he's one of those guys who could snap.  But courts don't like to deal in hypotheticals.  I know I have to make my own decision.  Lawyer, PC etc. are never totally sure what I should do either.

I'm a big believer in psych evals, because they make it objective and real, not a matter of perceptions - yours, his, or a professional's.

The challenge is to get there without making any accusations or being perceived as exaggerating.

A few things that worked for me... .

First, I think you should plan on psych evals for both parents.  That lowers the bar;  you don't need a ton of evidence to show he is acting badly since you're not presuming anything - you're asking for psych evals for both parents.

But you still need some reasoning why psych evals are needed.  Try explaining it in just a few sentences and see how it sounds - does it sound like he just bugs you so you think he's crazy?  Or does it sound like there is a reason to be concerned?

Make sure it's short and clear.  I'll do mine, from when I was where you are:

"My wife has made a number of false accusations, including accusing me of assault, which was proved false by the police report.  She has physically attacked me twice, and made threats and accusations in front of the kids.  Our marriage counselor, who my wife selected, told me that she believes Mrs. Matt probably has Borderline Personality Disorder, and that can add a lot of risk for the kids if it's not treated.  So I think we should both take psych evals and just see what they show, and go forward based on what we learn."

4 sentences, 95 words.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how persuasive do you think that is?

Can you explain in just a few sentences why you think psych evals are needed, and let others here comment on how persuasive it seems?

(My example was successful - the court appointed a psychologist who administered psych evals, and that told us a lot.  So I think it's a good benchmark for comparison.)

One of the really unpleasant realities of our situations is that no one can make these decisions for us. Months ago I had to effectively end visitation between my son and his dad, and it was one of the hardest decisions I've made in my life. It's awful to be making decisions of such magnitude alone.

Maybe these questions will help you work through your options:

*Have you exhausted all of the non-legal ways to resolve this

*What is the likely outcome of resolving this non-legally

*Do you have the money to resolve this legally

*What is the likely outcome of resolving this legally

*Can you live with yourself if you do nothing

*Can you live with yourself if you do something

If your ex is still living with his parents, one approach is to work with a therapist at setting boundaries while your ex is still somewhat supervised. Let him have an extinction burst while there are other adults around when he's with the kids. If he seriously dysregulates, that may give you the behavior you need to get the court's attention.

Your last sentence is part of my thinking... . plus we have a parent coordinator, but only for one more month.

Livedandlearned, what did he do that allowed you to end visitation?  You may have discussed it on another thread, and of course if you can't say, I totally understand.  Just wondering how high the bar has to be.

Like everyone else here, I've made incremental gains over a longish period of time -- it's really been about establishing a pattern, topped by one instance of relatively dramatic and unstable behavior that was well documented by N/BPDx himself. It doesn't hurt that N/BPDx is an attorney representing himself in court. He tends to shine sunlight all over his own behavior. He's also very narcissistic, so he can't imagine that his abilities in court are contributing to his losses.

*In 2011, N/BPDx started off with 40/70 visitation, joint legal. [EDIT: 40/60  lol]

*In 2012 he had a psychotic episode where he sent 100+ messages in a 12 hour period, all night long. That coincided with the appointment of a parenting coordinator and being reduced to 32 hours of unsupervised visitation a month. The PC ordered a psych eval (not an MMPI-2). When N/BPDx threatened the PC, his lawyer withdrew. N/BPDx decided to represent himself. He repeatedly didn't comply with various orders, so the judge got to see N/BPDx represent himself repeatedly.

*In 2013 I decided to ask for sole custody and further reduce visitation to every other weekend (16 hours a month). The judge agreed. Every motion for contempt I've filed, the judge has ruled in my favor, including awarding legal fees. I've had to take N/BPDx to court each time, about 4 times total, to collect the fees. The judge knows him pretty well by now. The judge also filed a motion for gatekeeping, which prevents N/BPDx from filing any new motions unless they have been approved by a board-certified family law attorney.

*In 2014, N/BPDx sent disturbing messages to me (not unusual) about the man I'm dating being a pedophile (unusual). N/BPDx also texted S12, telling him he was in danger. I filed an ex parte suspension of visitation. That was in March. We had a hearing in May. The judge said visitation was to resume, but N/BPDx had 30 days to get an MMPI-2, attend anger management classes and substance abuse treatment. N/BPDx never asked to establish visitation. To my knowledge, he has not had the psych eval, or attended any classes. S12 hasn't seen his dad for 4 months.

There's more, but that's the basic gist. In ways that were both terrifying and fortunate, the psychotic episode helped my case. It also helped me. I decided I was done trying to appease this bully in my life. I had been tiptoeing around him like he was a grenade, like my actions were somehow going to prevent him from having a psychotic break. It doesn't work that way. That was the most terrifying night of my life -- I thought he was going to kill himself and my son. Everything everyone said about boundaries made complete sense after that and I've never looked back. No more tiptoeing, no more handwringing, no more being scared about what he might do. We play by emotionally healthy rules now, and it turns out those are rules that lots of other people follow, including judges, lawyers, parenting coordinators, and therapists.

eek, so the psychotic episode was the 100 texts?  Was it the volume that the court frowned on, or the content, or both?

My ex has had days like that in the last year, although he is cleverer now and makes sure there is something about our kids' health in his repeated texts, so he can try to claim they're legit. 

It was the volume, the content, and then his admission that he had messed up. He blamed it on Ambien, alcohol, and a prescription pain killer. He also said he discovered my "affair," and that caused the emotional breakdown.

The kooky thing is that his lawyer always uses the same male name to describe a wife's potential "paramour" (I live in a state with alienation of affection laws, so lawyers want to know if there were affairs). N/BPDx decided the night he had his psychotic break to google the company that funds my research to see if there was anyone with the same name as the one his lawyer used. There was. When N/BPDx's lawyer heard the logic his client was using to "prove" I had had an affair, he realized there was something seriously wrong with his client.

You're collecting data points. Each documented instance of disordered behavior is a data point. Each person who experiences your ex's disordered thinking up close is a potential ally. There is no smoking gun -- my ex's psychotic break just helped me turn the ship. It was just one data point -- although an important one -- in a series of them, all making up a pattern that became harder and harder for court to ignore.

... . which means that if he is put under stress, in court, or in depositions, so the judge and/or his own attorney see how he handles it, and if he acts out - "disordered" behavior - that will help you a lot.

This happens fairly often, to a greater or lesser degree.  It's an effective strategy to put the BPDish party under stress - not unfairly - in situations where the professionals involved can see how he handles it.

Can i ask what the plan is?  Do you just wait until he asks for something and see if he had mmpi done?

I've been organizing my proof of erratic behavior.  I can present emails, texts and voice mails from the same day when whacky stuff went down.  I hope I never have to use it... . but I know that I have a high bar to set if I ever have to go "force" some kind of evaluation.

It was weird listening to those old voicemails... the rage in her voice... and then she sometimes makes a taunting funny sounding voice and laugh.  There is usually bullying behavior (hiding money or making some strong move)... . on the same day as this.

So far uBPDw seems to be playing ball with family T.  "Evaluations" are scheduled this week.  I have my appointment with him tomorrow and will make sure and discuss mmpi 2. 

Speaking of those... . I got a copy of mine and the writeup the psychologist made.  Valid scores... indicate PTSD.  Also did a PAI that confirmed MMPI.   He also said lots of my physical symptoms were made worse or reported worse by me due to PTSD.

Sorry if that is thread hijack... . (my update)

This is a good example of how objective psych evals like the MMPI can work out well, even if yours comes back not-totally-perfect.

Formflier already knew PTSD was an issue, and he has been working on it.  He knows how he got it (serving his nation) and he hasn't denied it or blamed it on the other parent.  I don't think that's a negative - it's a positive, because it shows a commitment to self-improvement even when the problem is a tough one.  That is probably a big contrast to the other party - most who have BPD and similar stuff avoid treatment and don't get better.

Could be the same for you, Momtara - the results could come back less-than-perfect (mine did too) but it's probably still a positive for you, if you deal with it wisely.

Another nuance... . which I'm not sure if Momtara has is that there have been allegations (verbally and in writing) that I know I have PTSD and refuse treatment and refuse medication (and various versions of that same theme)

We have a record of counselors asking us both to get medical and mental evaluations to help MC.  I have gotten them everytime and uBPDw has gotten zero. 

Finally uBPDw has accompanied me to many psychologist interviews and demanded that I be tested for bipolar and suggested that there "must" be something else other than PTSD going on.  My Psychologist noted all this in his report and not only spoke to the tests being valid for PTSD he spoke the to results not indicating bi-polar or any other disorder. 

Short of listing every disorder with a yes or no checkblock next to it... . I think this is definitive that my problem is... . what my problem is.

PTSD that is affecting the marital relationship and the PTSD is being made worse by the strife in the marital relationship.

If I'm ever in court trying to show a judge who has been reasonable in dealing with mental illness... . and who has followed advice of health care professionals... . I think the contrast will be stark.