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so i met my exBPD while i was studying to sit an exam in order to be able to practice my occupation in dubai. i passed the exam while in the r\s and was discarded by her 2 days before i was travelling to dubai to scout for a job. i really appreciate myself for being able to set aside my deep grieve and doing what should be done cause it was very important for me to find a job there as i am currently unemployed in my country. i did find a job. when i was back to my home country waiting for the residency process i went to therapy. the therapist diagnosed me with ptsd and phase life crisis. he said i will be fine just finding a job and starting my life and earning money. i also had a lot of reflections by myself and i discovered that i have been blaming myself for years for things that were out of my hands. I worked on myself and was motivated to have such a fresh new start in a new place.

yesterday, i got the sad news of my residency being rejected and that my employer could do nothing and he has to find another employee. i was struck. i am angry at life. it has been raining dirt on me with no mercy or breaks. i am still healing much better but still healing. i dont know how my reaction would be to this news when i absorb it completely during the upcoming weeks.

i have the urge to contact her. and yes i want her to soothe me. i am aware that this is a quick fix and i am not going to do it cause it will worsen my life later with more trauma. i dont want any reply of "dude do not contact her it is no good" i already know that. i need a logical reply please that would convince me. and to cut it short for you :

1- i am still healing and exploring inside so yes i was not using this dubai thing as an escape. i wanted and planned for this long time ago before meeting her.

2- the overall aftermath is really dirty and sometimes emotions takes over logic and thats why i want her. i know she is no good to me. probably she would still give me the silent treatment even if i tried.

3- now i feel lost and do not know what to do with my life.

AJ, You seem to be pretty convinced to me, so I'm not sure where your confusion is coming from... .

What is the logical reply you would give yourself?

What input are you seeking from others on this board?

TIL

i would say: you are looking for a temporary fix and validation that would hurt you and increase your overall trauma. but i know that your emotions and ego are so hurt now with no mercy or any breaks and that your emotions can take over your logic and guards and let you do something stupid. i do not know how to advise you but hang in there bro.

what i am seeking: maybe i need validation ? i dont know. maybe i just want to let it out ? sure. maybe i want to hear from the experience of a member who have just passed by a big bad event during his\her healing phase ? sure i would love to please.

AJ - There's a lot of value in just taking one day a time, for yourself.  I'm sorry the Dubai job did not work out -- but maybe you can make a list of a few things you can seek to accomplish this week for yourself.  Maybe you can (1) buy a book and commit to read it, (2) spend a specified number of hours planning employment, etc.   Sometimes, it's just helpful to "replace" thoughts of our relationships with other things, and you have an opportunity to do so now.

Well, anthonyjames, I would say it sounds like you'd been planning, working toward, preparing for, and looking forward to - not just a job, but a life! - that you'd been given every indication you were going to actually GET - only to have it all very suddenly/unexpectedly taken away at the very last minute - and are understandably, predictably, and DEEPLY disappointed, confused, frustrated, angry, and otherwise hurting.

It TOTALLY sucks to feel that way, and it TOTALLY makes sense to NOT want to feel that way, too.

I think it's GREAT that you realized why you felt such a strong compulsion to reach out/make contact with your ex under the circumstances - even GREATER that you stepped back/didn't allow yourself to act on that compulsion - and greatest of ALL that you CHOSE to reach out for the recognition, validation, sympathy, comfort, and support you need HERE instead.

I would take a minute or two to recognize just how much you've changed/become intuitively stronger and wiser already as a result of the work you've been doing on yourself - and allow yourself to celebrate THAT success a little anyway.

I would also take some time to just let yourself lean into and feel all that disappointment/hurt for a bit -not to wallow in self-pity - but rather to let those feelings show you the strength of your passion/commitment to pursuing something better for yourself - so you can eventually draw on that strength, let go of this setback, shift focus, and look for another way to realize your goals.

Because, from what I can tell, that's really ALL this is: a setback.

Is hitting you harder/feels more overwhelming because of what you've gone/are still going through with and over your ex - but, as you clearly already seem to know - has far less to do with any of that stuff, and far more to do with what this means to you as an individual, separate and apart, from anyone or anything else.

If you're looking for a logical reason NOT to indulge your compulsion to contact/use your ex to make you feel better about what happening, try imagining how difficult it would be - and how long it would take - for you to find another way to realize your goals if you reconnected with/made her part of your life again - because you already know just how much of your interest, attention, focus, time, and energy she's going to need/want/expect/demand - and how inclined/entitled/compelled she's going to feel to unconsciously exploit the weakness you've shown by reconnecting with her as she uses the same old mechanisms to cope with the stress/anxiety/insecurity/fear triggered by having you around again.

Managing her - ANY kind of relationship with her - is a job, anthonyjames. There's no pay, and no real payoff in it for you either. SURELY, you're qualified/able to find something better to do with your time.

Really sorry you were denied residency, and find yourself once again in a position where everything is up in the air/so uncertain again. Been there/done that myself. Several times. It sucks. But the key is to keep moving forward instead of sitting in one place, or worse, going back to something that didn't even work the first time.

Biggest of cyberhugs,

TC

 :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( the pain and depression of the initial break up is back. yes i was looking forward to a new life. my life did suck even before i met her. i am living in one of the worst countries ever you could live in the middle east. unemployment, dad is sick and irresponsible, failed a qualifying exam to australia and i met her when i was planning to sit the exam to dubai. i did want to change my whole life. one time i was in bed with her during the idealization phase i said "before i have met you, i did not want to carry with me anything to my new life. now, i have you. you are the only thing that i want to carry it forward with me." the irony is that now she is the first thing i want to drop if i am leaving. the first thing that i would be glad to be thousands of miles away from. nothing is soothing like her. i have learned my lesson not to depend on soothing from someone or a substance. but lets say i am in like KG 1 regarding this lesson and now i am faced with an exam of a senior high school year. i am trying to get my logic in control but the emotions are too overwhelming and taking over. we are humans and we make mistakes. if i let my emotions take control i will fu*k up my life again. our rs did not last long because she knew that i was leaving soon and that triggered her fear of abandonment very early(though i was ready to fight to get her there if she was healthy). but i know since she is BPD that there is nothing that i would have done better to change this. maybe i dont miss her. maybe i miss her idealization. i should work on giving myself this idealization but its too early for the lesson to blend in. ironically life does not want to give me a break to let me apply what i am trying to learn. easy life there are 6 billion people other than me. i was diagnosed with middle life crisis. my therapist said that my biggest thing is the unemployment. he was glad that i was moving to a more fulfilling job. now its gone. I have been seeing nothing but agony and pain and negative events since i have graduated. even the light that was at the end of the tunnel (her) turned out to be a train coming my way. i dont really want to be sad. i am fed up of being sad. it has been too long since i tasted happiness. but since this is happening i cant find anything to do except for to sit here drink coffee, smoke cigs, listen to radiohead and type. when is it gonna end ? ENOUGH

already an incident (dubai) like this would get me so down in life. but nothing did get me down in my life like the break up with the BPD. yes the break with the BPD without the word ex cause i feel like i was with a disorder driven body. my god the first time i have seen her before i knew her i did not think she is that beautiful. it was my intuition. my intuition screaming to back off. her face was aggressive and sad. but of course she wore the mask the first time i communicated with her. as if the downs in my life were not enough but i cant blame myself. i didnt know anything about BPD and i am not that experienced when it comes to dating at that time. i was going to invest all my lessons in my new life in dubai. now i am stuck here having no plan at all. cause there cant be one. i live in one of the worst countries in the whole world. she was even subtly mocking me for not doing good money but this is the case for all the people my age.