BPDFamily.com

Sorry if the title is confusing but I cant think of any other way of putting it.

My uBPDexgf said that honesty is what she values most. She hates liars and any slight change in an event being described would be seen as a lie. For example If I said I was picking up my boys in the afternoon she would be ok. If later I said I would have to catch an early ferry in the morning to make sure I got there on time she would see it as the first conversation was a lie because I said the afternoon.

With this in mind I have caught her out but not outed her on many occasions. I now also believe that she cheated on me as all the evidence points too it but she denied this at the time without me even asking.

My question regards our own moral standards. Does my ex believe that as I am so anti infidelity then I must actually be doing it as she is anti lying but does it all the time?

well, it doesn't have to do with your beliefs at all. if she has BPD then she believes anyone she's with is cheating and lying to and betraying her. so then she does all the same things to punish you for it even though it isn't real. doesn't really matter at all what you think either way.

My ex, who shows all of the signs of having BPD, would make stuff up and then claim she believed every detail as if they really happened. Would also disregard and deny facts that were indisputable. Most of what she accused me of was her projecting the way she saw herself/her actions onto me.

Didn't we believe that they do what we do?

Didn't we believe that they:

- had empathy.  

- could apologize.  

- could remember us when we weren't there.  

- had a defined sense of self.

- would be loyal to us.

- would sacrifice anything to make us happy.

- would malignantly lose themselves to us as we did to them?

The projection goes both ways.  

And when the projection both ways is on common ground that is the basis for friendship, connection and even love.  

But for me and my ex... . I was traveling by boat and her by hot air balloon.  We weren't on any common ground.

But yes they believe we do what they do.  My ex was jealous all the time, and I pointed out to her it was due to her knowledge of her own actions.  It didn't stop her from cheating on me or from me being a dipsh-t and accepting it.  

I'll touch on this. I think this is rejection sensitivity and the slightest change in plans triggered your ex. I know if she was going to render vous with my friends or family and they were late, she was triggered and took it as being personally rejected.

Hi all

My point with the question is do they believe that the things we hate the most such as cheating is only hated by us because we do it and feel guilt about it like they do. Or do they believe that we hold those values true.

I ask this as I think it would explain a lot of things about how to handle a BPD. If you don't show them any values that you believe in strongly then it wont cross their mind that you might be doing that.

In other word they say "I hate liers" They think I hate the fact I lie. They then think as I do what I hate then they must also do it so when they say they hate infidelity they must be cheating on me.

She basically was mirroring the type of ethics she thought you wanted to hear.  She was also giving you a set if rules of things not to do to her.  Also deep down she hates herself and you will at the same time confirm that for her by agreeing them sooth her by giving her value.  Twisted ain't it.

If she thinks your cheating it's because she knows that she would.  She projects that onto you deflect her own inner shame.  Her believe about whether you the type of guy that would cheat is not connected to your belief system. 

It really is messed up.

She says she hates liars and thinks I hate myself because I am a liar. You then try to agree with her that liars are bad people. Now by agreeing with her you have attacked her because she is a liar and you have said liars are bad so therefor you think she is bad.

This explains a lot of the times when we cant do right for doing wrong. Things that set my ex off which have confused me are becoming a little clearer now.

What a minefield we have been walking in.

My uBPDxbf is the same. If I was just two minutes late to picking him up somewhere he would be angry when I got there, even if was waiting on a busy road where you can't park or pull over for long.

I don't know if he believed I would do what he did. He never cheated and hardly ever lied but he was frantically scared that I would meet a man I would like better just taking the trash out. And he is super sensitive to rejection. Having to remove milk that is boiling over from the stove while on the phone with him he perceived as rejection.

Enlighten:  

Yes, it is a minefield, with eggshell triggers. 

Are you looking to stay or leave?  Because you'll get very different answers.  If you want to stay, there are techniques to help the communication and perhaps reduce triggering, but they are found on the Staying Board.  And if you need to communicate for co-parenting or Divorce proceedings there are boards for that as well.

But if you're looking for ways to "handle" the Disorder, IMVHO, you're looking at a world of hurt for yourself, a deep fall down the rabbit hole, and a exponentially more destruction.  Some people never recover.  My PTSD and Depression is so bad, that I fight everyday to stay mindful and recover and not let anger, hate and despair overwhelm me.  I'm not sure that I'll make it.  And I know that trying to outsmart, handle, control... . the Disorder, is like a recreationally playing russian roulette.  

A commonality for people on this board, especially the men is a sense of narcissism.  A sense that if we try hard enough, and figure things out, we can fix things.  This can't be fixed.  Thousands of very smart people have come before us with pretty much the same issues, and none of them have handled the Disorder.  

The Disorder always wins.  

The only way to not lose to not to engage and to leave a victim.  

Hi Tausk

I have left. Not going back.

The reason I ask is two fold.

Firstly I like to understand things. I am not a person that you can tell me to do stuff and I blindly accept it. I have to understand the reasoning behind what has been asked of me if that makes sense.

Secondly and more importantly we have a child together. I worry for his mental wellbeing as my exs daughter already at nine years old show a lot of BPD traits. I also want to find a way of walking this minefield so that I can spend as much time with my son with as little drama as possible.

I am not an expert but here is my perception.

A BPD has extreme abandonment fears. They really cannot be alone. Case in point, my ex ran off with her new hero... . a year later I have a multiple drive-by event with contact. All her. Mind you I had maintained strict NC for my own self preservation... . but on that day it was an all-out assault... . found out the the new love was out of town for the weekend. I believe she could not bear to be alone, so in her mind I became "available" to ease her pain.  Wasn't like she missed me or anything.

My perception is that they think you are the same. i.e. If you are not with them, even for a night, you MUST be with someone else. I think their fear is so great about being alone (triggers abandonment so intense that I probably cannot even imagine it) that they think you are like them and will be with someone else as you cannot bear to be alone, even for one night. This also triggers extreme anger and resentment in them toward you.  They may act out regarding that or they may stuff it and keep a list and build resentment to justify cheating on you. No telling which. ... . but none of it is comprehendible or understood by a person who is more balanced and is clueless about the disorder as I was when I was in the relationship.

There may be adult trust and maturity on your end and you may think the same is going on at their end, but nothing could be farther from the truth.

Mine also claimed to hate liars whilst finding a way to be untruthful about almost everything. Did she lie? Well she would twist and bend words so much that they became a kind of truth to her. And by the end I wouldn't know what was right or wrong. She also claimed her ex boyfriend had smashed her heart into a million pieces by cheating on her. That was one of the things I heard from her that I never disputed. Now, knowing what I know, I'm not even sure about that.

This has very little to do with your question enlighten me, but it's just incredible how similar all of our stories are

I'm sorry for the difficulties.  It's very hard, especially with children in the middle.   Have you read the posts of member 2010?  They provide me with a partial understanding about the disorder.   And that provides the basis for depersonalizing the behavior.  

But I'll never think that i can handle it or manipulate it.  

Read 2010 beginning to end and over again.

Thanks Tausk will give it a read.