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I miss her even how she treated me and want to call her.

I feel that way sometimes too. Don't do it. Try to think about why you aren't speaking and hopefully that will keep you from doing it.

It's so hard.

I'm with you on that peiper.  I often feel exactly the same.

Think of what's best for you. How you want to treat yourself.

Weigh the benefits of remaining in no contact despite the agony that comes with it

vs. the benefits of short term satisfaction from being in some form of contact and the pain you anticipate to endure for longer after that.

TIL

I know how you feel Peiper. The angst and the longing just overwhelm us sometimes.  Whenever I gave into that, I always ended up in pain.  My feelings were genuine enough, but I was reaching out to a person that did not have any depth or maturity. A person that was totally self-involved, immature and sick. Somehow I could not/would not see that?... . and until I did I would continue to hurt myself by reaching out.  It is a very painful process... . but you can get through it... . just keep moving forward as much as yu can.and come here for support... . and talk about what is going on with you... . it really helps to make it better and to make better decisions for you.  You are not alone. Hang in there and love YOU!

Being that she filed a bogus restraing order. I thought better of calling. Think Im still in love with the dream and not the reality.

Reality is in the eyes of the beholder... .

We always perceive reality via our brains hence our emotions are always about our perception of reality,

so don't feel bad about it. We have nothing else but our mind to interpret reality AND to hold feelings about it... .

TIL (in a philosophical mood :))