BPDFamily.com

There isn't a board for inbetween the staying and leaving board. I want out. Everything screams at me to do that. I can not just expect her to leave on her own. She claims she will but I really doubt it. She is practiaclly incapable of being on her own. Mostly that is my fault for tenting to her every need like an infant.

I thought by being ina completely different country for bussiness for 5 days I could relax. Nothign is further from the truth. I have left the cords of control on me and she still pulls the strings. Asking me to leave a day early. Telling me to stay in the room and video Skype all night. Room service only not fun and no interacting with my co worker.  Nothing inaproprioate will never happen but she has no control or eyes on me and thinks I will do nothign but bad things to only spite her.

Mental and emotional exaustion is tough   I'm sorry she is taking enjoyment out of your time away from home. Do you have a therapist? It's a good to time to get help.

Have tried T but I do not get to have any mental clarity or keep that for me. She "has" to know whats going on in the personal T meetings. Feels those are always discussions about her and to attack her. I get less emotional exhaustion by not going than by going from her. 

Hi Cipher

I feel for you as Ive been through the same. I understand the business trip and not being able to relax. I work away a lot and I used to get constant messages. Heaven help me if I used my allowed phone time to call my sons and not her. I was in a constant state of walking on egg shells. Fearing returning home because of the grief I would get.

In the end I left. I moved out and even though there was only a week before going back to work I felt that I could breath again. Don't get me wrong it wasn't an easy decision as we have a child together but after being told everything is your fault then I thought I would remove the cancer from their lives. Yes I felt like I was a cancer.

I am back at work overseas and for the first time in a year I am looking forward to going home. I didn't know about BPD at the time which I now think is a good thing as I might not of left due to my caring side would have wanted to help her.

I feel like a completely new man. Im not saying Im over here but I am glad to be rid of her.

Cipher,

You were on undecided a long time, and as hard as it is... . for things to change you are going to have to change it.

If you are done, make a plan... . call a t for you and implement the plan.  We can be here for you to process, but hon, only you can actually make the necessary changes.

I know how hard and scary it is; I also remember the sheer exhaustion it takes on when you get to the point you are... . there is no "easy" button or magic pill... . make your plan and execute it so that things don't get worse.

If I recall, you are not married, right?  Do you own your home together or are you completely separate financially?

That's tough Cipher13   I feel for you. Obligation and guilt from FOG, she needs to know about what you privately tell to a T. She doesn't want others to discover her behavior. Control.

seeking

I am married but thankfully no kids. I could never pull them into this kind of drama.

yes, no kids is a blessing for you.

Have you:

- talked to a few attorneys to learn your options

- read Splitting by Bill Eddy

Ciper13,

I have to disagree that you are mentally gone.  Mentally, you have surrendered and given her all of the say and control.


You must accept that she is not going to leave.  If you want this to end you have to be the one who ends it.  Period.  Full stop.


Are you complying with these crazy demands?  If you are, things will continue just as they have.  If you can't set and maintain some simple boundaries in this situation nothing has even the slightest chance of changing.

If you want things to change, you have to change them.  Every time you give into her crazy demands, you are encouraging more of them.

Cipher, consider a hypothetical and work with it a bit... .

What would you expect to happen if you moved out of the house, leaving her alone, and told her you wanted a divorce and were committed to living in your new apartment/house/roommate situation?

Can you play out that scenario?  What type of support would you need to stand strong while the scenario plays out?

I have played it out in my mind several times. I have support. y family would be there. Actually this would help be be able to reconnect with my family.

Just a word of advice. If you tell her you want a divorce before hand, be ready to be split black right then and there.  It is going to trigger her fear of abandonment and if you are around the house, the devaluation / dissociative phase is on a whole other level. If you're emotionally exausted the waters are going to be rough. As Gagrl pointed out, be out of the house. Take care.

I just found out you changed board.

How are you doing, my friend?