BPDFamily.com

My uBPD wife and I are separated, since Feb 5th, 2 days after her last Rage incident, where she bit me.  Right after, she filed a bogus restraining order against ME and I didn't see our then 9 month old daughter for 4 weeks.  Once the TRO was dropped, 4 wks after, I went to p\u my daughter for 2 overnights.  I wasn't sure if she would even remember me.  The minute I went and opened the door to my mother-in-law's car, to get her out, my daughter had the HUGEST smile on and arms wide open amd tried climbing out of the seat to come to me (she was walking since 7 months)... . It was so emotional!  She remembered me!

HERE'S THE ISSUE... . She somehow has primary custodialship and I get our daughter for 2 overnights a week.  When I meet my wife (at the police station) to pick up our daughter, our daughter is happy to see me.  When I go to drop her off 2 days later, she holds onto me for dear life and cries alligator tears and doesn't want to go to her mommy!  She has tried climbing out of my "wife's" arms to come back to me and at times I've had to take her back to calm her down.  She stops crying the minute she's in my arms.  Today, she had a death grip around my neck with her arms.  I can't prove abuse, but I am very concerned about this.  Our daughter doesn't easily go to women now, but will fall asleep or be calm in a male stranger's arms!  What do you make of this?  Anyone?  What should I do?

Hope someone gives you a good answer.  That does seem odd.  Is your wife abusive in general?  Do you think maybe she abandons her or ignores her?  Or worse?

Sorry that this is happening. My son is my wife's biological son from another marriage but I have raised him for the last 7 years and in that time been his most engaged parent. However, my uBPD wife and I are currently separated and I can see changes in my son's behaviour. I worked with his biological father to get my son to agree to live with him permanently. But although my wife is not directly abusive to him I know that her depression and bouts of anger have an impact on him. He is afraid to be the cause of that and tiptoes around her. Kids see and hear a lot more than we given them credit for. You may consider seeking out more frequent visitation with you daughter. In the case of my wife, our son was just to much work for her and got in the way of making new friends and wallowing in her self pity. My son was neglected in that his nutrition was not a focus and even he began to be upset by the options of pasta and pizza every night, as well she does not do laundry regularly or keep the house clean. Dis-organised in one thing but filthy is quite another. Trust your instincts and try to have your daughter more - fighting for full custody right now could play into your wife's drama. Make your case over time- also make friends with the police and express to them your concerns and that you are grateful that they are their to monitor the exchange. If it were to happen privately your wife could say just about anything about you... In our case I have physically lost my son as he is now in another country but he is safe and can have a childhood.

I can totally relate to your post. I have two sons, 5 and 7. I know they are older, but they express similar things to what you are experience. My 7 year old has Autism so it doesn't hit him as much as my 5 year old. Nevertheless, both show signs of anxiety and not wanting to go back to their Mom's place at times. This is particularly true on weeks where their mother is absent (works long hours).

Anyway, to answer your question... . I don't think this reaction is because of abuse, but rather emotional detachment of the mother to her child. She obviously loves the child, but she isn't there for the child. Perhaps your ex-mother in law is the one taking care of most of the parenting. If your divorce is not final, you should ask for more time, perhaps a step-up-plan that leads to you having 50-50 time share.

Find out if there is a way you can get a professional involved, like maybe a therapist that works with very young kids.  Some therapists do "play therapy";  I don't have any experience with it, but I think it's mostly just being in the presence of the child and seeing how she reacts to people and things.

The reason I'm suggesting this is so you can get an objective, trained answer to your question, and so your daughter can have the benefit of therapy long-term.

I would not view this as a way to get the professional to take your side in the custody issue, but as a way to get good insight and advice in how to help your duaghter.

If you get a referral from someone, that may avoid the accusation that you are shopping for someone to take your side.  Maybe you will need to get her mom's permission, but see if you can do it without that, so this won't be something for the two of you to fight over.

(My kids were older, so I got a referral from their school counselor, and that protected me from my wife's lawyer's accusation that I was looking for someone to take my side.)

It could be other BPD behaviors that your D finds frightening, like disassociation or psychosis. Even as an adult, I found psychosis to be pretty terrifying. Have you read Understanding the Borderline Mother (https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/christine_lawson.htm)? It's written for adult children of BPD mothers, but it also explains what your D might be experiencing as a toddler. There is a chapter that talks about the anxiety BPD mothers feel when their children become toddlers and can no longer be completely controlled.

Also, when your D is with her mom, she is probably being emotionally invalidated. When your D is with you, validate her as much as you can so she has a shot at developing healthy emotions and a secure sense of self.

LnL, how can a toddler be emotionally validated?

Would a young child even get that?

Children are very perseptive. They pick up things very quickly at a young age. If they can start to learn a whole language and to walk then learning behaviours isn't too complicated. Its an age where the foundation of their behaviour is laid.

I'm reading "The Power of Validation: Arming your Child Against Bullying Peer Pressure, Addiction Self-Harm and Out of Control Emotions' by Karyn D Hall.  Excellent book about validating children's feeling and yes you can absolutely validate a toddler.  A really helpful read that gives you tools/techniques you can use to support your child that in turn could help strengthen your child against the out of control emotions of a pwBPD.  Definitely, a worthwhile read.

If the police have witnessed your child's reactions, that may be enough for you to request a psych eval or a home visit for your daughter's mother. Securing this would help bolster the case for increased or primary custody for you, as well as better access for support services for everyone involved.

I agree that therapy is the answer.  I made a point to get a counselor for my daughter as my exBPDw left us, and it seems to be helpful for her.  That way she can talk out her feelings.

It was my son's T who first talked to me about validation -- she didn't call it that, but that's what it is. Her example to explain it was when a toddler has a tantrum, and is throwing a massive fit in the supermarket. She said that most parents feel embarrassed, or hurt, or angry, and invalidate the kid. Because... . after all... . tantrum in public. Validating a toddler would mean getting down to her level and saying, "You are really mad because you want this cookie. I can see how mad you are. You're crying, and hitting the floor. How about you tell me how you feel. I'll pick you up and we can walk to get the milk and you tell me all the feelings you're having." Some kids who are beyond tired and hungry can't be brought back from the brink, I'm guessing. But medium level tantrums you can use validation. Once they feel heard, then they can listen. Then you can redirect them. Usually what happened with me is I either exited the store with a crying toddler, got mad at him, took him off to the side somewhere and tried to get him to pull it together, or ignored him.

My son developed what his T called somatic complaints. He complained about everything -- the way the wind dried his eyes, the feel of the seat belt, his knees hurt, his back ached, his throat hurt. He wanted attention for every imaginable physical ache and scratch. When he was a kid, I told him to brush stuff off and got worried when it increased, and started to ignore it even more.

It just got worse as he got older. And I'm not a complainer, so it was hard to deal with. His T encouraged me to validate his complaints, which I did. She said to imagine he is a toddler and we are getting a do-over, and if I recognized the pain he would start to regulate his stuff on his own. And he did.

It was hard, though. I was really worried it was going to make it worse -- that he would feel rewarded if I gave him attention.

Anyway, yes -- it apparently works with toddlers. And older kids who act like toddlers  :)