BPDFamily.com

Well my stbexh just left yesterday back out of town(he is truck driver)after visiting the kids for 5 days. First day he started with his crap. Second day started doing stuff around home after realizing I had to deal with it all alone-toilet leaking, roof turbines flying off, no hot water... . third day asks to come earlier for more stuff. 4th day comes real early and we go to store to get stuff needed for home.  I felt for a moment as if we were together and everything was good and we are not getting divorced-FOR A MOMENT.  He stayed 8-9 hours that day when normally we are keeping it to 4-5 hrs and he is only with kids. Then last day-yesterday-he comes early again and is acting nice since I am too, and says " Happy Belated Birthday, I am sorry I did not call you... . I was torn between calling you or not... . I did not want to ruin your day with your family by calling and upsetting you more." He had tears in his eyes and they got red.  I told him it hurt and especially that I knew he was with HER.  He said " Was I"  and I said yes and changed subject.  He left with calling me and stating he got a load and thank you for letting him be with the kids alot and I thanked him for doing the house stuff. I had NC before this by just letting kids answer phone but we agreed he/we will talk to me to ask about home/finances.

I cried all evening and had anxiety because my brain just thinks of the good stuff we had and not ALL the bad things he has done to me.  Especially that he cheated on me, told me he wanted a divorce all of a sudden and is now with her and has never apologized for it.  We are still getting divorced, that is not changing, but how do I stop these feelings.  He is on his way back to her-you would think that is enough to get me over it but NOO  I feel so anxious and sad.  I feel as if I went back to day one of when he told me we were too toxic and need to divoce.  A family member ran into him last night while he picked up his load.  My stbexh told him that we were getting divorced and he is losing a wife and family-and that he had tears in his eyes and they were red.   That I will always have a special place in his heart and that he loves me.   THEN why couldnt he remember that before hie did what he did... . he just wants to keep messing around with his new love  Why say anything to my family member? 

I just want to move on but I feel I am back to square one in feelings... . any advice?

Hello my friend.  I am sorry you are suffering.  Many of us here, including me, have been in the pit of despair -- and sometimes all we can do is acknowledge how hard it is, and to keep breathing, one breath at a time.

One thing I have learned -- painfully -- is that we cannot "stop" the feelings.  I dissociated for a long-time, meaning I looked to "numb" the pain, or "ignore" it, or run away from it, or expect my ex-girlfriend to come back to "fix" it.

I spent a lot of time reading about grief, and processing grief, because in many ways the loss of my relationship was like facing a death, even if not a literal one.   Have you looked into this book?  It's called, The Journey From Abandonment To Healing.  It helped me in the darkest period:  https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing)

Keep posting.  We're here for you.

Thank you LettingGo14. I will look into that.  Just breathe... .