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So my ex BPD girlfriend left me in April. She dumped me using silent treatment. Why do I keep thinking she is doing so great? I mean, I'm thinking she has a new car nice home and a better boyfriend. I mean i know that's not possible because she didn't even work and couldn't hold a job long anyway. So why am I thinking this?

I wish I had a rational explanation, hurting300.

That's what our minds do, especially when abandoned.  There's a good book review here:  https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing)

An excerpt from review:

Here are the five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Anger, and Lifting – introduced in the book JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT.

1: SHATTERING - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

2: WITHDRAWL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

3: INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

4: ANGER – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of anger against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

5: LIFTING – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

Yeah I've been thru the stages, but I don't know why i think she's different and doing so great. She couldn't never keep a job before.

I keep thinking the exact same thing about my ex.  He had no job, did nothing but sleep and complain, had a barely functioning car and no friends and was left with no choice but to move back in with his family at 40 years old.  But somehow I keep imagining that he is all of a sudden doing great and has found a great job and a great girlfriend and his family hates me and everyone is so glad he got rid of me.  It couldn't possibly be true, but I never miss an opportunity to torture myself with the thought.  I think it's safe to say your ex isn't doing better.  But I know exactly how you feel.

I wonder how many more victims think this. She couldn't hold a job or anything. Always late for everything lol. She suddenly left me, I mean I came home and she and my baby were gone. Two months not a word. I want her to at least call me. I miss my baby.

Hi Karmachameleon

I'm wondering if the guys you and I dated could have been related! lol

Mine was homeless, jobless, childless, with a barely functioning car when I met him, (early 2010) and it doesn't sound like anything much has changed. I am pretty sure he is still avoiding employment, (making excuses) and probably scammed another gullible female into looking after him.

I sincerely hope he never gets away with the violence he inflicted on me ever again, (hope every female he tries to scam catches on real quick and kicks his sorry *&^% to the kerb).

Sincerely

Roller

That's the way she was, if I let her she would lay in bed literally all day and watch t.v... so I'm not sure where my thinking is coming from.