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I just dont know what to say... . Im embarrassed to even post. Maybe I should be banned for being weak and pathetic.  Its difficult to give advice to others when I cant take my own.

Short story:  I was blacker then black, cast out banished, demonized, smeared, sold out and almost ruined.  And then I broke NC by answering a text... . the door was open. I was hammered, but didnt bite at the at the insanity. Mostly I ignored, but then I would text something... .  more hate.  But out of nowhere she asks me to drive her somewhere... . I said no.  She kept at it. And I caved in.   I took the drive. It was civil. She hugged me when I dropped her off. She talked about her BF and this other guy she was hot for and I listened. Then she talked about what she did to me, selling me out and her twisted non sense reasons. I just listened.

Next day... . more texts... she needs something else... . and then needs something else... . I asked her wtf are you doing. We ended up in a motel and had sex for hours. When we were finished... . she would tell me she loves her BF.  But she wanted to continue to see me, so as long as I know her rules... . I guess I could be a third or forth leg.  But being with her is stressful... . shes back to demanding all kinds of things at all hours... . and shes using sex as a weapon. I sold myself out.

SB, she is so addictive to you:that you can't think straight when she communicates to you she wants/needs you.

You'd do almost anything to get a fix.

I know that feeling so well.

No.  You did not.  

If we were heroin addicts, and you relapsed, I'd welcome you back to the recovery room, and tell you I was glad to see you back.

We start where we are, SB.   Don't let yourself spiral into shame and blame.   Every moment we are given a chance to start again.   And I say that as someone who hates his own mental addiction to his ex-girlfriend.

All I know now is that if I can't forgive myself I will never be free.  

Welcome back, brother.  It's going to be ok.  You are in the right place.

The others are correct of course.  You didn't sell yourself out.  You relapsed.  This is very much like an addiction, and relapse is an inevitable part of addiction. She found a way through the boundaries you set up, and now you begin the process of re-establishing them.  It is difficult, but you are in the right place.

Humans would be very different indeed if they did not care about sex, if sex could not be used as a weapon.  Giving into that does not make you weak.  It just makes you human. 

and as sick as it is somehow im jealous of you... .  my ex became such a huge trigger for me... . .  Even during the road towards being recycled I felt like the way she would give signals to other guys as if I was oblivious just killed me. Made me feel to weak to have a voice and tottally worthless.  Like it was a test of my confidence and I failed.  It is just a lose lose situation until you can get them out of your head I suppose.

My first love was with a BPD and I remember the day she had no more power over me.  Seeing her each time after long after it was like she was still possessive over me. But I found it funny.  I wish I could go do now what I did then to get over my other ex then which was go into the woods alone for a few months.

From the other topic, pretty much sums it up:

I hear you about being jealous... dont be. As good as it felt in bed the ___ I had to listen to was unreal. I basically sold my soul for another hit.  Shes going to do some other guy now behind her BF's back and this is after recycling that poor guy for 4 years. He is her anchor, her false happy normal relationship face... . she has no respect for him, cheated again and is planning a new target. Shes friend zoning me. I am moving away from here in Aug. She knows it... . she told me I was a dead end lol... . didnt stop her from graciously sex bombing me.  The blinders are off... . the addiction still there. I cant wait to move. Hell... . we even talked about her banishing me, and I said... . so the minute I dont do what you want your going to flip out again... . She says probably.  I could go on and on and I wish I had a tape of the last couple of days to put on YouTube as a warning. 

I NEVER text first... and I kind of cringe when she texts because its ALWAYS a demand for something.  She says she will never get caught by her bf AND when I advised her to end it with him before being with this new guy... . she says... the new guy knows I have a boyfriend.  Ok... . huh?

Oh, and If I dare bring up sex... . like do you want to hook up again... . its back to ALL YOU DO IS WANT SEX.  JUST LET IT HAPPEN. IM NOT A WHORE, JUST BECAUSE I ASK ALL THESE THINGS FROM YOU... . money, and money and money for drugs, and clothes... . doesn't mean Im going to sleep with you. lol... .   OK... . so she thinks she doesn't want to negotiate.

Nothing good will come of this, I replaced and took another big hit. Utter insanity on my part. Im praying she doesn't text... . I cant resist her sexually. And the fact shes doing these different guys takes all the maturity and wisdom of my age to compartmentalize it. Sex means absolutely nothing to her. She said yesterday... . in a lucid moment... . "You are so smart, what do I have besides my body"... . She knows... . she is totally aware of what she does... . and she then confessed... . I just cant help myself. I mean... . these delusional lucid confessions makes it hard to hate her. I wish I could have helped her. I cant. No one can.

Addiction or not, you shouldn't bend over like this. Maybe it wasn't your last round but NC is going to stick after a while.

Remember, she was teasing your son. It should have ended right there.

Yes... . that incident was disgusting. If my son were to find out that I slept with her again, I think he would disown me. Rightly so.

There is nothing my uBPDxgf could do to get me back in her life, her bed or even a conversation. Yes, I remember the sex, and I miss it, it was like having a private hooker for 7 years, nothing off the menu. But I saw her true self in the nasty, hurtful lies she told to me and about me.

Maybe you need to cultivate a little hatred.

And you know what? Nice, normal, cogent, loving, real, honest women, with a sense of who they are, can also be great fun, without all the crap, the insecurity, the never knowing when it will all go mental again, that comes with one of these.

The TV show True Blood has vampires, werewolves, fairies and shape shifters, but it needs BPDs to complete it.

I had some good hate going... .  we tend to somehow forget the awful cheating lying mental crap... . because when shes nice, shes funny and vulnerable and dumb as a bag of hammers... . while being incredibly street smart at the same time. Last few days made me realize just how completely hopeless she is to any type of normalcy in a relationship. She will never change. She pretty much said that. In a weird way, I think shes painted me alabaster... . wont call it white, because I DO know ... . and she keeps yelling at me that Im so annoying. Because I dont cut her slack... .  but really what difference does it make anymore? None. And I actually appreciate knowing the truth, at least 43% of it, which leaves me the adult choice of informed consent. I can stay and deal with her mental BS and promiscuity... . or I can walk.  I am walking... . albeit slowly.  Bought her lunch today... .   she asked. I went. She smoked a spliff before eating and would look at me and say stop staring at me, you look right thru me.  Sad.

Sorry buddy , but the sad part is you buying lunch. Stop.

Oh well SB... . A couple of steps back is all it was. I totally understand. My last recycle was like this. He came to my door and I said it ends here... No more contact. He was remorseful and talked me into going for a walk. Within a couple of hours we were in bed and he told me " it's ok Narellan, it's always been ok" this was after ST for a couple of weeks for no reason.

We lasted about a month after this and then the next split nearly killed me because he involved my best friend in the triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0).

If I'd stuck to my guns the first time I said no more I would be in a much happier place now.

But the addiction is very powerful and takes a lot to break.

He came to my door last week after 3 months of pursuing my friend and NC with me, and I thank god I wasn't home. He hasn't tried to contact me again, and although I mostly feel strong in my conviction I really struggle emotionally and he knows which buttons to press. Even now after all he's put me through I am scared of my reactions to him.

I've never been so weak willed and easily manipulated.

Take it easy on yourself.  

One of the most disgusting I've read so far. Not a red a flag, but a glaring beacon. Apart from your mental health, you may jeopardize your relationship with your son and even your professional life. PwBPD have no sense of boundaries and she is clearly on the lowest low of spectrum. Does the sex really worth that? I don't think so... .

The whole relationship is outright exploitative, there is not even facade of love so you won't have any explanation for yourself when hits the fan.

I hope you don't find this offending.

Its like I fell off a cliff as opposed to a few steps back. The problematic thing is that once I opened the door by responding to a text, it was like the flood gates opened. Truly unknown to me, but it was just a matter of time. I cant believe she slept with me after all those insane hateful texts. Control.

Im sort of Ok. I have no illusions, and I know shes getting plenty of sex whenever she wants. Her doing this new guy is inevitable. I told her its the same pattern, she doesn't care, denies, says there is a special connection. I reminded her shes in a committed relationship with her bf... . and that she just did me.  I said are you mentally prepared for your bf to find out, after all you had to promise him to get him back. She said he always forgives her... . jesus. Guess the same went for me. I said what am I to you? She said... . a friend, a mentor... . with benefits. I gave her money because she owed her drug dealer money. Now she can get her own pills yet again... . I bought her clothes, took her shopping... . wasn't a lot. And " I be her wheelz" when she went to buy coke.

Therapy didnt help me stop. Im afraid that the only thing thats going to save me from her is moving away at the end of the summer. She brings it up and calls me a dead end. Then out of her ass she says things like, just because your moving near the beach dont think Im going to follow you... . ( thank god)

Its not ok that I was this weak minded. What happened to me? I would never have allowed this crap when I was younger. I do have some very significant deep issues Im struggling with.







No, I dont find it offending... . its nothing I havent said to myself. In the beginning she convinced me that she was in love with me, before I knew about BPD... .   I brought that up to her... . she said... . " yeah, not sure what that was about" 

When she brought my son to her apt, friended him on FB, it was under the disguise of " painting" something that they both do... . she said she only did it because she was lonely at night... lol   But it was clearly seduction... . he was there 4 or 5 times before I told him about her... . and that was only because she had flipped out and black mailed me. Yes, I was even recycled after that... . So I had to tell him. Lucky I did. Hes 28... . he was disgusted but recognized how insane she is immediately. He unfriended her and never spoke to her again. We are very close, and he actually laughed and said thank god nothing happened. I said me too.

I cant use feeling addicted as an excuse. I have no excuse. I loathe this weakness. Its not who I am.

For a brief moment, imagine that she managed to get her claws into your son and triangulating him with you. It could have happened if the stars align that way.

You have the clarity and wisdom to move forward. Block her number and next time just don't give in the temptation. Not easy but certainly doable.

Quote: " I cant believe she slept with me after all those insane hateful texts."

Read this SB... . Again and again. The statement should read:

" I cant believe I slept with her after all those insane hateful texts."

She is disordered. You aren't. You know she is a temptation and bad news to have her in your life for any reason. Start strict NC NOW. And go back to the resources and lessons board. Learn again what you momentarily forgot. Don't continue in this path of self destruction. That's what you're here for. Your self loathing is because you're not being the man you want to be. Start again. We are all here for you. Peace 

Awesome post.  Stellar.

Another good reason not to sleep with her is that you know she has a boyfriend, and are knowingly sleeping with a woman who is going behind her SO's back.  There are many here on this board who have had this very thing happen, often by a close friend (like in my case). If she is going to go and cheat, don't enable it.  You've been down the road with this girl, you know what it is like to be with her and the struggles that you faced.  Don't make it harder on the next guy who gets involved.  You playing her games to hurt someone else put you on her level. 

Thanks Octoberfest  

Yes my exBPD replaced me with my best friend of 20 years.

They are both out of my life now. I am still struggling with the profound sadness of that betrayal.

Im trying extremely hard to resist my own dysfunctional urge to continue this self destructive path Im on.

... . Another text today... . ugh... . she says ... . I thought about it and Im not going to be with this other guy ( not talking about her bf, talking about someone shes targeted)  Shes said... Im trying to control my impulses, Ive been doing an 8-step program.  I said ... . at least you are AWARE of the patterns you keep repeating. She went on to mumble something about not making any money at her restaurant last night... . ahhh... . I was waiting for that.  She said to me the other day as well... . have a nice weekend, maybe speak to you next week. I didnt reply... . that was Wed evening. She lasted a day.

I have no real concern for her current bf because he has known her for 4 years and the guy KNOWS she cheats on him constantly. He is an addict and alcoholic in a program and doing well according to her. And she cant stop recycling him it would seem.  I warned her, that if he discovered her again he would leave her for good and she doesn't want to be cast adrift again. She says that he will always forgive her. This entire dynamic is really pathetic.

Clearly shes trying to suck me back in full throttle now, especially since we slept together the other day. I dont believe for one minute shes telling the truth... . clearly manipulating and NEEEEEEDS me for money because shes relapsed her 12 step stuff in a big way. If her bf knew of this betrayal... . I cant really say hes her bf, she obviously doesn't truly think so in any healthy sane way. If I wanted to I could hurt her badly at this point with intel, If i were to stoop that low, to that level. Which I did not do... . even after she tried to destroy my career. Nor will I.  Ive always no matter what behaved like a gentlemen. I think she sees that in some distorted way. I did not retaliate at all. I must have passed some cretin like internal test of hers. I have no other explanation for her painting me white-ish again.

I am thankfully extremely busy this upcoming week, morning until night. There is no possible way I can see her... . even though Im jonsing badly.  To be brutally honest... . I am accustomed to this dull ache. I can live and function with it, and it doesn't effect me like it did.  Im pretty much anesthetized. I know there is no future with her at all ... . ever. I know I cant believe a word out of her mouth, and I practice radical acceptance daily. I dont ruminate all that much... .   early morning and right before I pass out at night... . but its not horrible and I stop it pretty quickly. So... .

Maybe Im kidding myself... . but I think I have a grip on this... .   Im going to start dating someone new... . Ive put it off because I didnt want to taint it with her. My ex ex moved to Cali, and is coming home next week to get the rest of her things. We are on great friends with benefits terms. Its good. Shes become a good friend and I wish for her the best.

AND... . I dont want to be emotionally involved with anyone at this point in time. I hope I still have some heart left, because mine has taken a beating. You would think that the older we get the more resilient we are but actually its the opposite. We tolerate and accept things we would NEVER have in our youths because we believe, and maybe rightly so that our options are more limited. Thats a big thing. I just dont think this old heart of mine could take another slaughter, so I have to mindful before I give it away again. It HAS to be a healthy relationship before I would even consider it... .

  But having said that... . there is nothing wrong with dating multiple people if you are not in a committed relationship... .   right? ( or rationalization)   I do not think I can resist her if she offers herself up. I have two months before I move far far away.

You clearly don't have any grip. Sorry.

I do have grip, but its with one finger with two cinder blocks hanging from a wire. Thats ok ... . Im disgusted with myself more then you are.

No one is disgusted with you. We just need to keep you focused!

I was weak, I allowed mine to come home at the weekends and a night midweek, for 4 months after she abruptly ended it. She was pretending to want to fix it, and did and said things to me that made me believe . But all the time she was saying other stuff to others. I found out on her FB messages. And I still kept believing !

I now believe she was just hanging on to me until she found someone else.

We are all disgusted with ourselves, but none of is are disgusted with each other because we understand. Stay, or maybe even get, STRONG.

SB who's to say I won't do the same thing ? That's one of my biggest fears because I'm soo drawn to him it's ridiculous. The only thing stopping me is his NC, and knowing how much I'd be devastated afterward. I won't allow myself to go back to that dark place, but the same desires are still there, even after all these months and after everything he's done to me. I don't want him physically any less than I did back then. I just have to resist it, because the pain after would kill me.

Sometimes we need to not keep supporting and enabling each other on here. A harsh snap back to reality is sometimes what's needed. It makes us wake up a bit more.

Peace 

Nobody is disgusted but you obviously trapped in a negative loop and try to rationalize to yourself.

I do not think I can resist her if she offers herself up.

... .

but I think I have a grip on this

Who has the control here?

Split: 

I hope you find your way out.  Relapse sucks.  You're back and cheating with your ex.  Can't imagine a much more painful self-imposed hell as that without actually shooting up and selling your body on the street corner.

Remember, some people don't recover.   Some people are so wounded that they don't get out.  It's a fact. 

You're an educated man with some means.  Can you check yourself into treatment of some sort.  Or take a vacation away... . far away?

keep on the board. keep sharing.

we're here.  We understand.  But you have to make the choice.

dude split,

you know where this leads.  It's an addiction but that initial high is gone.

I was supposed to meet her today... .I came up with an excuse. My call... .she got so angry.  She replaced me in heartbeat. Maybe its over. Shes such a liar. I just cant deal. I thought I could.

Split, it's good for you that you avoided meeting her as her influence on you is extremely toxic.

Keep focusing on yourself not on her. No need for excuses, you can and should be blunt about your needs - THEY MATTER

and expressing them assertively is telling both yourself and your ex - YOU MATTER and YOU ARE TOP PRIORITY for yourself.

Your summary above provides good hints about where you need to get stronger.

In your mind, she:

* gets angry

* replaces you in a heartbeat

* is a liar

[strong and selfish]

and you:

* just can't deal [low self esteem]

* thought you could [you're blaming yourself]

You did the right thing yesterday, man.

This means you CAN deal

and you were right about thinking you could.

No doubt that you relapsed and had a setback but it just means that you have more insight to work with in the next round.

There is a battle between your mind who knows your needs and wants vs. your psyche and body who want something you know is bad for you.

Not always the rational thinking wins but in the long run we can consciously help ourselves overcome and control our primal instincts.

One of the common methods is CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that I think you should consider.  We can train our minds via cognitive "workout"

so that we have the tools in "real time" to deal with our obsessive or irrational behaviour cognitively.

You're getting there, it just takes time and it is a process, not a win by knock-out.

It is going to be a bumpy road, turbulences expected along the way :)

TIL

I tottally understand I guess its about that radical acceptance everyone always talks about.  Time to focus on your own healing.  I recommend that book the journey from abandonment to healing, its good stuff the real deal.  Also like 2010 always talked about who does the borderline remind you of in your foo? For me I realize that when I met mine I was injured physically and emotionally she brought out my best but also fed my false self when she ripped that away I was faced with all the pain of all the shame built up over my entire life.  Doing the core inner work to heal is not easy but I hope you chose that path for yourself.

"We start where we are"... .such a great reminder!

We learn a little more each time this happens, and get a little stronger.

I went through this same thing a couple of weeks ago (after going through a divorce!). The comfort of the relationship, no matter how crazy, lured me back in for a brief moment.  But as you noticed, their neediness and and the chaos sneak back up quickly, reminding of us why we we needed out to begin with.  Now you have the opportunity to recognize it and take care of yourself!

I actually forgive her. I do see the little girl in her all the time. That sweet innocence... .and then the incredible lack of restraint and remorseless cheating and lying. My body is in withdrawal again. As is my mind. The dull ache is familiar.  Im dealing with it. Im ok.

Her gas-lighting had me smiling... .to myself... .and when she said ... .I was crazy... .I was controlling... .  out of fu*king no where.  Of course translated means she did bang the guy shes been fixated on, the DAY she wanted champagne and for us to get a room... .A DJ. lol... .this is while she is in this new committed relationship with her ex. ( I feel sorry for him... .and myself) But at least I know... .

I appreciate this board so much for the tools, even at my age, which enabled me to witness these last couple of weeks as if in an out of body experience. Everything she said is so sad and BPD. But those moments of childish insight... .couple with her sexuality... .omg. irresistible. If there is a god... .give me the strength to resit if she tries to recycle yet again. 

I ignored her last call. I haven't seen her in over a week... .  my call. But she unleashed total rejection again. Easy for her when juggling 3 guys if not more.

For those of you secretly wishing and hoping and longing... .do not forget the anguish. It will not change. It will not be better.

Well... . I asked for it... .seems surreal that only about two weeks ago we were in bed having at it.  Ive had very LC, today there was an uncomfortable flurry of texts, pathetically initiated by me I confess... .and once again rejected and blacker... .leaving me feeling with every contact now that shes rescinded her attention for crimes against her ( I wasn't able to meet her and didnt last Tues because of an obligation... .her day off... .how dare I? I gave her a days notice which she used to set up some other clandestine tryst... )  After one text in which I mentioned to her that she had texted ME well over 300 times, and wanted to have champagne and sex last Tues ( again), and that she begged me to come to her apt at midnight last week to bring her some anxiety meds ( I did, then left, she was already wasted) and she borrowed 400 dollars to which she promised to pay back one way or another, and that she "owed me"... .she said... ."tell me all this again and I will ruin you".  She didnt view my comments as a plea for understanding, but an attack, as if I would show her texts to her bf or some other guy. And then she screamed "she doesn't like me, shes just not attracted to me anymore, ( she must be a good actress then)  Im not fun anymore, I just stress her out and to stop texting and never text her again and that Im fu*king crazy!"  I guess I must be.

When any woman dumps you its a hit on your ego... .but with this recycling, and her malignant attacks again out of nowhere, even after I pointed out how hurtful her behavior was... .made me feel ashamed, guilty, castrated, unlovable, emasculated and totally worthless. AGAIN!  WHY, WHY WHY did I keep trying and trying to make something work, only to feel more frustrated and hurt when the inevitable occurs? Why am I/ was I, holding on so tightly to someone that generally makes me feel so bad? I was in NC... .I was feeling pretty good. Im back to square one.  

So start again... .It doesn't matter where you start just start. You don't have to see it as starting over like you did way back then when you split. You're wiser now. Think of this as a test you didn't do so well in. And now you get a chance to resit. Do your homework again. Read the resources again. Do the lessons again. And when the opportunity to cheat comes knocking again you can decline because you don't need it. In order to get a good result you need to stay on the right path. Do the work required, don't fall into any traps that are not good for your long term result. And your long term result is to gain strength everyday to be the man you want to be. Someone you can be proud of. Someone with good self worth and respectful of yourself and others.

This is nothing but a stumbling block. Learn from it. Forget the money, go NC and live the life you were destined to live.  

Even if she would be normal, you're still "dating" someone who could be easily your daughter. You're not meant to be together. She openly exploits you, in return, you enjoy her youth as she offers herself up as a mere commodity. It's extremely unhealthy for both parties involved and only you have the experience, consciousness and capacity to see this and put an end to your dysfunctional dance. When dealing with pwBPD, you HAVE to be responsible becuase they can't. I would echo what Narellan said:

Be easier on yourself...

The pwBPD love bombs you during the idealization phase. That mirroring and love bombing seems like unconditional love, the kind an infant needs from a parent. At some point you accept the pwBPD as a primary relationship... a psuedo-parent... and feel both the wonder of being a kid again and all your long repressed emotions both good and bad come out. When the pwBPD starts being clingy... it makes no sense... you are hooked and would never leave them... but just like you they are replaying very old wounds and behavior. When they end it or you do... you know something isn't normal about the breakup. The pain is far too intense and long lasting... more like a parent dying than just breaking up with someone. In fact it is just like a parent dying... the ideal parent you never had... only they are often still around, making it insanely tempting to try and get them back if you can... but if you do, it all happens again and again.

Everyone should read this.

Changed my number for the 2nd time it's been 2 days of nc. No doubt if she tried 2 contact me she's making good on her threats 2 ruin me. So far she hasn't been able to get thru to my ex with lies. I'm not relaxed. Ruminating like crazy.but keeping busy. I know this is withdrawal screaming. Hard not 2 think of the mad sex last Tues nite that triggered her delusional thinking. Last text I received sat was someone else using her phone to inquire why I was still texting her. Obviously he didn't see the 379 texts sent to me. Either that or she's full blown psychotic. I changed my number that minute. Hopefully with some time I will heal.

SB only give your number out to people who are your friends not in contact with her and tell them u are removing her from yr life, or just send them all a text saying its now a private number please don't give my number out to anyone. That will save u having to change it again  :)

I did that... .but I realized all her text came thru to my new number because its the same phone. I was holding on to the texts in case of some legal nonsense. But now I realize that in a moment of weakness I could text with my number. I need to lose those texts AND her number so I have no way to contact her in a stupid weak minded moment like Ive had so many other times.  Thanks for being here N. 

Its so strange... shes done the most heinous things, im convinced shes actively doing a smear job even now, no doubt frustrated she cant thru to my ex... .and yet I have a hard time holding on to these crimes against me, and keeping them fresh. This is for sure a physical and emotional addiction, or ptsd.  Ive never been addicted to a person. Ive never been addicted to anything... .except tennis and golf. Ugh.

I remember the first 3 months of NC before I relapsed. Those days were awful... .they were getting better... .but jezus was I miserable. Kind of like right now. I cant wait till I move next month. Wish it was tomorrow.

I know exactly how it feels. NC ( or ST) has made me feel numb and sad the past 4 months. The only times I've felt truly happy were when he reached out two times during the past month. He attempted to make contact and I didn't respond but it still lifted my spirits. I feel good now. Much stronger and I'm doing things. Just the little things didnt even get done the past few months. I forgot appointments, couldn't do anything just feed my kids and go to work. Now I'm gardening, getting tax done, booked myself a holiday for next week :), got my computer fixed, got a tradie on to do a job etc etc. all these were just things I couldn't address due to my grief. But in the past few weeks I've turned a corner and got a new job and I'm so excited about my holiday!

Progress!

If I caved and spoke to him I'd be exactly where you are SB. And worse because I'd be punishing myself for my actions, on top of being caught up in all his drama again.

It's good you discovered how she could still text you and put a boundary around that. I haven't blocked my ex from anything. I left his number in my phone under " do not answer this prick" so I'm reminded not to pick up when he does call lol.

It's working for me. I never answer my landline and he mostly calls that then I see the caller ID later. I'm lucky he's not being full on. Coming to my door crossed the line but he hasn't repeated that and I wasn't home so it was wasted effort on his part  :)

I have mine under insane b*tch, lol. But it didnt stop me from allowing another recycle. Ive read over the 379 texts Ive received in the past month... .and there is a pattern. There was no endearment at all until the 1st time we slept together, but I was quickly turned black for not seeing her a week later on her day off... .it was only last tues when I went over late because she wanted some weed ( I dont even smoke anymore, i got it for her)  But she was high on pain killers and very loose and physical... the weed relaxed what little limitation she had... .and she blamed me for taking advantage of her... .I mean she actually sort of said that... .but then she went on to the I didnt use a condom... .( we never did) My tests came back clean btw thank god!  But she started saying I gave her something the very next day when she was sober... .( ludicrous)  It it just escalated in her head until I was pitch black again, and the verbal onslaught started until I changed my number... .along with never text or contact me again... .but then she kept at it... .and then the smear and outing threats... .  can you imagine her telling everyone I have some disease... and Im a addict... .who knows... .

What I do know is that any contact with her is mad stressful. Its anxiety provoking, and Im back to that shameful tolerating of a situation that I would NEVER have in the past. I sit and think of the times Ive walked away from red flags or a situation where I felt disrespected without blinking. That person is still me... .i have to resurrect that guy again and the only way is to get as far away from this toxic situation.  I believe Ive taken the 1st step changing my number twice. If another couple of weeks go by without incident I will loose all those texts and a couple of more weeks Im out of the area.

So now I have a new number with all her texts still on my phone. The pattern was mostly her asking and begging for substances and money... and to come to her NOW and then when I said no... .I got see this is why we are not together... blah blah... .but she would just keep at it and at it... .    The sex we had was A LOT more meaningful to me then it was to her... .  with her juggling a few guys, only she knows when its someones turn at bat... .and then of course there is her current bf on and off for 3 years now.

I think those texts on my phone as much as I want them for legal purposes are triggering me. My gut tells me I better just suck it up and hold on to them in case I need them.

If you have an iPhone you can screen shot the texts then email them to yourself and put on a USB in case u need them for evidence. That way once you've copied the texts somewhere are u can remove her texts and number. Seems like a bit if work, but it will remove her from yr phone.

I have over 300 texts in a month... .that would be taking an individual shot of each text? Yikes. I had a horrible morning but the rest of the day was ok.

Im just getting on with the rest of my life. Shes not going to be a part of it. And Im leaving the area. This sadness is all in my head. Im the only one that can finally put it to rest. One week since I saw her... .3 days of NC.  Im more worried about what shes going to do in terms of contacting people and my ex... .and there is nothing I can do about it. I made this bed. I have to deal.

All true SB. I would take photos of texts re her inviting you over that last time just in case she charges u with rape, or similar. If u can screenshot the page that says how many texts she's sent u? Also any damaging ones re she's going to ruin you etc. or u can just keep them all but don't read or contact her at all. Anything further will damage u on so many levels. X

I totally agree... .   thanks. Feeling much better about things tonight... Its not linear but I have clarity.

Split

I invite you to post in the NC thread... . we got 4 pages done and onto thread #2.  For me reading others efforts and venting when I can't understand helps me a lot.  

I have felt so alone in this and having others relating to what I am going through is so helpful.  Count them off one day at a time.  Give yourself a reward at 10 days then at 20, whatever it is that works for you.  I get to 15 days on Saturday and I've got tickets to go to a concert with a mate.  

Can I afford them, no, can I afford not to do something for myself anymore... . concentrate on you and be a bit selfish.