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Not because I’m undecided but because….f….the “timing” isn’t right. F…f….ffffff……not swearing but feeling like shouting that word out at the universe…WHY NOW? Sheesh. And f. (cuss, cuss, cuss words here!)

I am decided. I am leaving him. The question is when. It’s a very strange thing here…it’s like there’s lot of outside forces seemingly pushing us together…crazy, thing I Know that’s not true but…heck I guess I’m a sucker.

He’s just found out that his job is probably in jeopardy through no fault of his own (really) but thru downsizing, budget cuts, etc….so they’re talking a 20% reduction in his pay…WOW…that’s a lot of pay being taken away from him. He’s upset but dealing well. I’m waiting for the crazy to start…he’s been working there for over 15 yrs. But I supposed nobody’s job is safe these days.

Can I leave him now? God, I’m not heartless…how can I execute this NOW? His world is spinning and at the moment he has the security of family, of us…of me…and I’m sacrificing my own moments of this future I want to have…why? Because I’m not a heartless b-word whose going to kick him while he’s on his way down…

Dang it.

I should have never waited for the RIGHT TIME because there is no RIGHT TIME…ever.

But I know that I’m not dealing with the same guy I was dealing with even 5 yrs ago. He’s not drinking anymore (thankfully) and now he’s talking about going to the bar again…I told him I’m not going. I’m not going to start drinking again. I think if he does start things are going to go south for us very very quickly and I WILL NOT put up with that mess again. NEVER EVER AGAIN….

Dang….I’m still stuck…

And on a different, but related, note I just read “Who Moved My Cheese” and it’s a very good little read. Funny thing is that he’s the one who bought it for himself to read (which he has not yet) and in the mean time I read it ….

You're making a difficult choice. It takes guts to pull the trigger. My advice would be to do decide when you are going to have the conversation with him. It's hard   but try to be mindful and be in the present. Try not to worry about the past or the future, it adds anxiety and stress. You'll feel better once the decision is done and as difficult as it is, follow through.

One think I know about myself is that I weigh decision very thoroughly before executing any of them. If it’s a big decision then it’ll take me a long time to truly decide. But once the decision is truly made then that’s that. The decisions made and there’s not very much that could move me from my chosen path.

This is a huge decision for me to make. It’d very daunting for me too because it doesn’t not only impact myself…it impacts my children, they have been my driving force for quite some time now. AND at the same time I know that this whole thought process I have going on is the thing that’s holding me back.

Sorry hit 'post' too soon... .

So the decision is made but how to execute is the thing now. When? How? What to say? How to keep the kids from feeling the brunt? How to keep myself safe? How to actually start the convo... . all that... . it's a mess inside my head and then this news comes... . it's going to be ONE more thing that adds to the mess.

You are like me. I'm analytical with my decisions, especially with the big ones. I feel comfort in knowing that all of the angles are anticipated before I go ahead with it. I take my time. If you need time to think everything through, then take that time. This is a big one. You are not affecting just one life.  That was my biggest fear with the kids is divorce when I was told we're done. I realized afterwards in my case that it was better for the kids than hanging on to the dysfunctions. I can be the rock that they need on my time (the emotional stability and safe zone, the validating environment instead of invalidating and break the cycle) and the fighting between mom and I is over. It's a fact of life now with separation and divorce and many are. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me.

You have a right to be happy. If his dysfunctions are affecting you and the kids, it'll hurt in the long run. Sometimes it's better to be separate. Is he open to getting help? Only you can make that choice. Don't be hard on yourself if you choose wisely. I'm sorry to hear it's causing you strife and stress.

Hi Danie, I'm with Mutt.  Take the time you need, but the sooner you can put the dysfunction behind you, the better it will be for you and your kids in the long run.  I like to analyze everything, too, and like you, couldn't seem to make the break.  Finally family and friends staged sort of an "intervention" to get me to see that things were broken beyond repair.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  You're obviously not heartless if you've stayed this long.  Maybe this is a good transition time for all.  Perhaps you can start talking about your needs and plans?  I am skeptical about so-called "outside forces" keeping you together.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim