BPDFamily.com

My Husband was married for 10 years to a woman who was after 5 years of weird marriage diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and depression.  He has been legally divorced for 5 years and we have been married for almost 2 years.  This has been the most bizarre and upside down reality I have ever been involved in, and I am afraid it will never end.

DH has two children SD 15 and SS 13.  They live with us and uBPDx sees them 2 weekends a month.  This has been the arrangement for the last three years.  To date there is no settlement and no final court ruling with respect to child custody or spousal support.  The only thing that is final is that he is no longer married to her and is legally married to me.  This open ended arrangement has led to frequent hearings (17) and much money to lawyers, money that no one has! 

In 2011 my husband lost his job and was trying to keep the home (under water owes more than it is worth) that he and his children lived in and was unable to pay his ex the agreed upon spousal support.  He told his attorney this and the attorney assured him that he would file the proper paperwork with the court, the attorney never did that.  In 2012 my husband and I married.  This set of his uBPDx and she began the court hearing cycle.  We have tried to offer a settlement but unable to find anything remotely fair.  She wants at this point 1/3 of our income and child support for children she not only does not take care of, but that do not live with her.

We finally realized that nothing but a trial would ever settle this matter.  Two weeks ago we had our first day in court and it was abysmal.  Our attorney is not comfortable in a trial situation.  He is a very nice person who does not really understand BPD and thinks my DH is probably still attached to his ex.  Her attorney on the other hand is aggressive and seems to enjoy the courtroom.  We were so unprepared that our attorney asked for a later date to gather documents and prepare further (not sure of the legal term.)

This is awful.  All the wasted time trying to settle and now we have to find more money to pay for more legal help.  We have no money!  Worse she is now making noise about getting her children with her now that she is not working.  She lives 1 1/2 away in a 2 room apartment that she share with a "male friend."

 

  DH uBPDx does not currently work as she is temporarily disabled due to a sore wrist.  Four years ago she was involved in a fender bender.  The large truck she was driving was rear ended at a slow intersection.  No damage to the car but after she spoke with her attorney she suffered from a bulged disc in her back.  This provided a monetary settlement which she used funneled into her never ending court battle.

DH and I are stressed, afraid and tried this has put a huge toll on our new marriage.  I just do not know how to support him when all I want to do is kick him in the knees for marring such a creep in the first place!

Thanks for letting me vent.  I really do not have anyone who understands this situation.  My friends and family are not to thrilled with the situation so I do not like to talk about it with them too much.  I wish there was some kind of support group for wives/step mothers of Husbands with BPDx's. 

I was just thinking the same thing... . there's no end in sight. People keep telling me it will end, but it's almost been 4 years of constant hearings and legal fees. I have fully embraced the concept of radical acceptance, but it's hard to radically accept being broke and watching thousands of dollars fly out of your bank account month after month for nothing but lawyer fees. And why? Because: BPD.

Do you have a good relationship with the kids? I would imagine it's not easy to blend into a family with kids who are entering the teen years. How are you holding up with those challenges?

About the legal stuff: My experience is that having a strong lawyer is critical. A lot of people who marry BPD partners tend to be fairly passive, conflict-avoidant people. If the L doesn't know about BPD, then he's in over his head and his fumbling can seriously damage your case. It can be hard to fire someone nice, but if your H wants your hard-earned dollars to mean something, he might have to fire his lawyer.

It's not easy to modify custody orders. Whatever happened in your H's initial custody order, he did well. Did the BPDx not contest it? Courts don't like to change the status quo. Unless there is a substantial change in circumstance, it can be pretty tough. That's the good news. The bad news is that it costs money to fight a motion to modify parenting time. Also, asking for child support is ridiculous if she hardly sees them.

Did your L mention doing a financial affadavit to see how much money she might have? Maybe you could ask for child support and legal fees from her.

There are quite a few "secondary nons" similar to you on this site, so you're not alone! I'm not one of them, but I've been a step mom before, and that alone was hard. I know so well what my own BPD x is like that I hid the man I've been dating for almost a year. The first thing N/BPDx did after discovering him was to make accusations that I was dating a pedophile.  

Make sure you take good care of yourself -- you're in a tough spot and it's easy to feel helpless. You might also want to set aside a fund that can't be used for legal fees. Something that is yours to do with as you please. That seems fair to me, and might even prevent resentment from building up.

I am a soon-to be step mom to two kids who's mom has BPD. Their dad has been in and out of court for four years now. I've been in the picture for two and a half. As far as I can tell, no matter what happens, you can expect court proceedings to be a part of your life to some extent until the kids are eighteen. Either it's trying to get an order, trying to enforce an order, trying to modify an order or fighting a modification she is requesting.

You absolutely need a strong lawyer for all of this. One who isn't afraid to go to trial. It sounds like the one you have avoided trial for so long out of his own fear. In my case, we have a decent L with 20 years experience and I still noticed her hands were shaking when we were at trial. So everyone in that room gets put through the ringer by the experience and you need someone on your side who can handle that.

Other than that the only things I can tell you are to remember that all the stuff that happens between court dates is what we call "life" . That's where the good stuff happens. Don't lose sight of that. And try not to consider the length of time spent already as wasted time. If the kids have primarily been with the two of you,  then that's been time where they've been growing up in a healthier environment. So the longer The custody stuff gets dragged out without a change, the better.

Yes, if the children are doing well with your husband for 5 years, the court will be inclined to maintain the 'normal' for the kids.  The wrench of unknown size is how much the court will be influenced by the gender of the non-primary parent.  Even if custody is officially undecided, the past 5 years with H in charge is significant.  But ex's gender may not allow him to view it a 'slam dunk'.


Yet she can make ridiculous entitled demands and they can be a real risk.  With a claimed injury that she could use to avoid work indefinitely, the court could very well think, let her have the kids more and then your husband could be told to pay her child support.  That's wrong to put the parent over the best interests of the children, but that happens all the time, it just isn't put in writing that way.


Find out if in your state your income can be included with your husband's income regarding calculations of his ability or obligation to pay child support.  In other words, find out where you stand legally and cover your bases.

About the house... . First, if there is no equity in the house, then ex's portion of the equity ought to be zero, though sometimes courts have been known to mess up simple financial calculations too.  Second, a house is just a house, it is not necessarily 'home'.  Home is where you make it.  However, if you do move be sure it is large enough that ex can't say it's too small or as small as hers.

Thank you all for your insight.  I am also a divorced woman of 3.  My divorce was uneventful and my ex and I co-parent with no problems for almost 6 years now.  My children are: DS 15, DS 11, and DD 10.  We have all moved about an hour away from where my husband used to live with his ex wife.  Their old home is basically in foreclosure with many taxes owed.  The uBPDxw is not interested in the old marital home at this point. 

We currently rent a large home with room for all 5 children.  It is located in the School District where I work ( I am a middle school librarian) and all are doing well.  My step children have bee attending my middle school for the last 2 years (we commuted a long way for a 1 1/2) and my DSD will be attending the High School next door.  The community we all moved to is markedly better in many respects in comparison to the one they all lived in prior to our marriage and blending of families.  The greatest improvement has been the school district which is top notch and consistently is at the top of the state for student achievement.

These improvements for the children in now way influence uBPDx 's actions.  She bemoans the fact that the children no longer live close so that she can drop by during the school day and have lunch with them when she has free time.  She is in no way able to provide a stable home at this point and I seriously question the ability to parent and chaperone 2 teen agers successfully.  She has three children from a prior marriage that are now grown but with whom she smoked pot with on at least one while they were a minor.

I am in the State of California so my wages are included in the total family income.  This is unwelcome news to me.  This could be a real problem if my husband looses his job and she decides to come after me for money.

We have spoken to our attorney and will be looking to hire an additional attorney who is comfortable in a trial situation and can support our original attorney.  DH did have another attorney a year ago but she too was only interested in settling and did not show up on one hearing.  She claimed she was ill, but in actuality she was unprepared. 

We are very fortunate that she has not had the kids living with her primarily ever.  This does give us an edge, but she is so delusional that she will fight for them if that is the only means of getting money probably until they are 18.  She enjoys being given money in exchange for just being SHE, work is something for people inferior to her.  UGH!  I really dislike this person and am sad to say kind of disgusted that my DH ever saw anything in this woman. 

I feel that way about my ex  :)

BPD sufferers tend to mirror to excess in the beginning, and people who aren't BPD are particularly hungry for that kind of excessive mirroring.

Then it goes away, and the high-conflict behavior shows up and stays.

The best advice about the protracted legal expense is to focus on living. My ex is a former trial attorney and is representing himself. He doesn't want S12, but that doesn't stop him from filing and obstructing and dragging me to court. Even the judge ordered a motion for gatekeeping to stop him from filing frivolous law suits. Maybe something like that exists in your state, although I just learned that gatekeeping is not as effective as I thought.

Also, if this woman keeps you tangled up in court, see if you can get legal fees. And while you're looking for a new attorney, read Splitting: Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. He has some good recommendations in there about finding a lawyer who knows what she or he is doing. Bill Eddy is also located in CA. www.highconflictinstitute.com/  The HCI might have a recommendation for you close to where you live.

LnL

Thank you LnL.   DH read and has a copy of Splitting.  I have read and own Boarderline Mothers.  I was raised in a community that was like a continual Gestalt encounter group setting.  I believe everyone is complex and could benefit from monthly group/peer counseling.  Kind of exaggerating for effect but I do believe that we are all a bit kooky and that is OK.  I had this kind of happy go lucky feeling until I found myself in this disgusting mess.  Now I am like that kid from "Sixth Sense" but instead of seeing dead people I see destructive BPD/NPD and other disordered people EVERYWHERE.  I can not tell you how many times I question myself and DH.  Am I crazy?  Do I have BPD?  Does he? 

My goal at this point is to stop busting his chops about this uBPDx and help support him through this drama, while maintaining a safe happy environment for our children and ourselves.  This is my thinking behind joining this group and my posting here.  Long term goal is to get the kids in therapy, they are good kids but I am sure this situation is leaving some residue that could effect their future relationships.

Do you know about the empowerment dynamic? It's the healthy version of the Karpmann drama triangle.

www.powerofted.com/

That's what I try to work on when I find myself pulled into anything unhealthy in my current (loving, healthy!) relationship. My guy has an ex that is... . something. Maybe not BPD, but she alienates the kids, throws fits, spends money like it grows on trees, and then becomes almost childlike. She's also clinically depressed.

I have enough of my own issues and don't need to be dragged into his, so I pull hard on the empowerment dynamic, and this helps me take care of myself so my guy has my support, but not my entire being! Have good boundaries and take care of yourself.

I belong to a couple of good step-mom boards.  Funny, but it seems like a lot of bio-moms have personality issues.  You can check out www.stepsforstepmothers.com and www.stepmommag.com.  One of the step-mom's there led me to this site.  All three have helped me tremendously, not only to be a better step-mom, but to help my DH deal with his uBPDew.