BPDFamily.com

Hi All:

If any of you remember my story, I was engaged to be married to my BPD last July.  He called off the wedding 2 days before, moved out and it spiraled out of control from there.  We officially broke off in November and I was devastated through the holidays.  We had a brief two week recycle in February and that was it.  I haven't heard a peep since.

Fast forward to today.  My life has been a series of bad luck ever since.  I landed what I thought was a dream job and left my employer only to get caught up in a Peyton Place already in progress and fired eight weeks later for basically knowing too much.  In this new company I met a nice gal and it was through her I met the next BPD.  Yep, I managed to date another one.

We actually had our first date the night of the day I got fired. lol!  I was ready to back out for obviously not being in the mood after getting fired out of the blue.  He said he wouldn't let me do it and off we went.

I will spare you the details but this time the cycle from start to finish was three weeks.  He was crazy about me, wanted to date me exclusively, took me over to meet his best friend and his wife, met friends of mine, it seemed to be wonderful though again MOVING REALLY FAST on his part and my attempts to slow it down were met with pouting.  In the end, I had a bad day and decided to come home, eat dinner and go to bed early hoping to feel better the next day.  I text him to let him know, told him we would catch up the next day. He replied back ok but seemed frustrated about it (wasn't like we were going to seeing each other that night), and I turned my phone off so it wouldn't wake me up as I do EVERY NIGHT.

I woke up the next day to an email with the subject line:  What the heck.  In this email I was told my behavior was a dealbreaker for him.  That we were in a committed relationship for three weeks and this was unacceptable (Am I the only one who thinks this is bizarre behavior after only dating someone three weeks?).  He said he wanted me to let him know by end of day where I thought our relationship was going?  When I tried to explain that what I did was not personal, and that I felt he was blowing this way out of proportion, he flipped out and told me to lose his number.  I let things cool, reached out a couple of days later via text and said I wanted to atleast understand why he got so  upset over this.  That us not continuing to date was fine (because I could see where this was headed), but that I don't like to ever end things on such a hateful note.  In true BPD fashion he never replied.  So, yep, I have been painted black I suppose.

Here is what I ponder among so many other things regarding this latest collision with a borderline.

As with my last BPD; this man came from a terrible family dynamic.  Almost the exact set of circumstances as my last BPD.  Mom was helpless and leaned heavily on the kids as dad was always disappearing and out chasing other women.  Now, what I can't understand is why this background seems to build the beast so to speak.  I came from a very volatile family.  Domestic violence on both sides was a constant in my home.  My mother was more of a friend than a mother, and as a teenager the roles almost reversed and I was more of the parent to HER than she was to me.  Yet, as an adult, I am nurturing, affectionate and pretty stable in personality considering what I went through. If I could find a stable man, I feel I would be committed and devoted for life.  I prefer being in a relationship.

So, why do these men turn out this way?  I ask this because I think maybe I should have run when I heard this from him.  But I look at it as calling the kettle black if I turn someone away because they came from a dysfunctional family dynamic.  I came from PURE dysfunction and I still want to love and be open and caring and devoted to the right person.  I'm not BPD.  Do they all have this common link?

Secondly, I have a large circle of close and loving relationships.  This man (like the last) has only two or three casual friends.  All of these friendships are only three years old.  He's in his 40's and has lived in the area since he was 20.  He said he liked to keep a tight, small circle of friends?  Is this again, common in BPD's?

One night when we couldn't see one another, I started this little "let's get to know one another" text game.  Going back and forth asking questions.  One of the questions I asked him was what he needed in a relationship to feel safe and loved.  His response was he wanted someone who was loyal and would stand beside him even when he was wrong? 

I also asked him who he looked up to and he chose one of those three year friends who is in his late 20's.  I found that odd. 

I am very affectionate, Southern girl from Georgia... it is just our way.  Anyway, when I am with someone I am very touchy/feely.  I hug and hold hands, rub their back, back of their head, kiss them on the cheek, etc.  He said that he loved the way I touched him and that normally that sort of thing annoyed him but with me it was different.  Now I wonder.

The upside of this?  I got in and out in three weeks.

But, I'm hurt that it happened again.  I'm starting to lose any trust I might have that I won't keep picking this type.  This was another hit to my self esteem just when I was starting to sort of snap out of the depression and move forward.  Feels like a kick in the teeth.

Thoughts?  Comments?  Encouragement? 

The friends thing is now a massive red flag to me.

My ex wife had a group of school friends that she constantly recycled. One minute they were great, the best friends a girl could have and the next they where selfish b___es who could never be trusted. Any new friends she made didn't last or if they did it was because they were casual acquaintances.

My exgf has only one friend that she sees who has been around for more than 5 years and she probably only sees her once a month. Her last close friend she doesn't speak to anymore and has said that they don't talk over a petty matter to do with a kids birthday present. She has also painted her black and started saying she has said stuff about the other mums at school.

Sirensong,

I'm sorry you are hurting, that is a painful blow, and I understand your feelings and questioning what happened.    I very much questioned my own judgment after my breakup with pwBPD. 

An abusive background can often play a role in BPD, but not always. There may be a genetic component that makes some people vulnerable to the disorder, especially when abuse is added into the mix.  For me, it was not so much the fact that abuse happened in pwBPD's life, but how quickly he revealed it to me (extremely early).  At the time it seemed odd, and looking back now, I feel it was part of the getting too close too fast syndrome.

I also think that being in a "fragile" state when we meet people can contribute to us accepting behavior that in better days we wouldn't put up with, or wouldn't be attracted to.

What are you doing to take care of you, sirensong?  Have you been able to speak to your friends and family about this experience, too? 

Hang in there, this will get better.  We are here for you.

heartandwhole