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I’ve just completed a list of appalling acts my BPDm aimed at me. The thing that shines out as worse than anything else, was her nagging. So I would love to know if anyone else had the nagging. Might simply be, they repeated something at every chance hopping it fell into your subconscious. Just as Hitler explained when he devoted 3 chapters to propaganda in Mein Kampf  .

She would repeat the same thing over and over, day after day, year after year. Might vary the wording, but always the same message. She would never stop, until you did exactly what she was nagging you to do. Still to this day she repeat some untruths at every opportunity. But when we were young, there was anger aggression and force behind her nagging. She would weave insults in, she would hit you or throw something to get attention. If you left the room, she’d follow. If you tried to leave the house, she’d ground you. Brutal nagging.  It was extremely effective, like torture.  Also I realised, like propaganda, consciously we resist the nagging, but unconsciously it does seep through.

As an adult I set boundaries on her nagging, but she would simply say “No I’m sorry I simply have to say something.”. Just wondering if anyone else can relate, to subtle or brutal nagging. Possibly it’s Obsessive compulsive disorder.

Yep the nagging was there until the goal was achieved.

For instance the exgf took her car in because of its tracking (something she obsesses about). The garage said her brakes would need doing soon.

This then became her obsession. I was constantly nagged to get her brakes sorted. When asked when I could have the car so I could get it booked in she was vague and would have to get back to me. This went on for months and even after we split up I was getting nagged about it. She kept on throwing at me that I was putting her and the children's lives at risk making her drive around in an unsafe car. I eventually said get it sorted yourself and I will give you the money. All of a sudden it wasn't a problem for her. She still hasn't got them done but when it was seen as my responsibility it was the end of the world and everyone was going to die.

The thing is once you achieve what they want they then find something else to nag about. The nagging never stops just changes focus.

Yes, Happy... . I think the nagging is the chain, the noose, around our tracheas mentally that keep us asphyxiated.

You cannot breathe under 10 tons of sludge. You drown in it.

And when I nag, and don't let go of a worry or a fear or a gripe and I get passive aggressive about it - it's from a sense of losing the person I am nagging. It's a way to hold on. It's ugly as hell isn't it? so unfair and sick.

Sometimes I fool myself that it's standing up for myself - but I keep repeating it. Then it's a bludgeon.

I have way too much of her tactics in me if I don't watch out. But I think desperation makes them put their tentacles into us and the nagging is the tentacles dragging us back, dragging us back. As adults, nagging from a disorded person can be 1) ignored completely 2) answered with, "I heard you the first time, I will deal with it when I can." 3) answered with "I am not discussing this with you." Then not listening/discussing.

Nagging's undone when it smacks into good boundaries, is what I'm saying.

I never knew that. 

I would describe what my uBPDm did more as "badgering" as opposed to nagging.  It was this up in your face, shouting the same thing over and over again, not letting me respond or even answer the question (if it was a question).  Imagine someone yelling over and over again, "Where have you been!  Where have you been? Where have you been?" and you can't even get a word in edgewise to answer, "Getting the milk you asked for." 

Or, if something in the house had her unhappy, like I missed the "rule of the day" update regarding the proper loading the dishwasher, she'd just stand in front of me and shout, "THE DISHWASHER.  THE DISHWASHER.  THE DISHWASHER." Or "THE LAUNDRY.  THE LAUNDRY. THE LAUNDRY." 

And I don't know why, but it was more irritating and crazymaking than her usual rages.   It would make we want to scream back at her, or clap my hands over my ears to block it out.  Usually she'd keep it up until I broke and would scream "Stop!".  You all know how well that would go over.

I don't know if it was "nagging" necessarily, as much as it was "preaching", in my case.  She'd preach about how "elitist" and "wealthy" everyone else was, but HER.  It came up at every. single. OPPORTUNITY!  Even up until the last several years before I CO, she'd still manage to insert her views on someone and their "elitist" attitudes or views, or how "wealthy" someone was, weather or not it was true (like I have any idea, since I didn't know these people well or didn't know them at all).

I often wonder about those people she spoke badly of, in such "wealthy" and "elitist" terms, when I was growing up.  I often feel robbed that I wasn't allowed to form my own opinions about people, but rather had to rely and use her "wealthy" and "elitist" benchmarks for judging a person, and her constant preaching about how NOT to judge someone, yet in the next breath physically abusing me and telling me I had no mother.  And then, how she'd preach on and on about how we'd better be thankful because we had the best of everything, but *she* never had anything.  Can you imagine the disconnect?  (I mean, yes, of course you guys can.)  :)

So, it wasn't really nagging, per se, but it most definitely was preaching. 

Most definitely my uBPD mother nags.  I have tried to block out most of the worst from childhood - it was more annoying than abusive.  She is usually a waif-y type so it was mostly in the "poor, pitiful, me" vein.  "Poor, pitiful me that I am so weak and cannot scrub the toilet!  You must do it!  I am so weak!  You must clean it!"  However, if I waited too long or dared say no, then the rage could come out. 

I have been LC since I went to college 25 years ago so I am not exposed to much now. She married again right before I left for school.  In college when I got the poor, pitiful me, please scrub the shower speech on a visit home, I said no thanks, what's wrong with your husband?  He can clean.  I am just a guest now. This did not go over well.  I did not feel bad saying it because I was sick of being Cinderella, and she had no leverage because she did not contribute a dime toward my schooling.  I also do not get asked to clean her house anymore on visits. 

I do have a very recent example.  She and her husband are coming to visit, tomorrow in fact.  (Wish me luck).  Over the last couple months, at every opportunity she has reminded me that they would like bacon and eggs.  Bacon and eggs. Bacon and eggs. Oh, did you get we want - bacon and eggs.  In the past I have gotten grocery lists in advance.  I guess having food available worries her, although when I visit she never has anything and we go out to eat.  One time the list said "fresh milk" - as opposed to the stale milk they sell?

I mostly now hear it as "blah blah blah" like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoons. 

AnnieSurvivor that made me laugh - thanks. I use to hold the received a foot away from my head, because my BPD was very aggressive, and always spoke with volume. I could sence when she drew breath so would say, "I know". I was never caught out, as she never bothered to ask my oppinion.

A Waife's nagging is annoying, sounds about right. My BPD is a Queen/Whitch with turbo boosters. So her nagging was an angry rant. She once kicked a hole in every doar in the house, just to give her nagging teath. She always got her way as she would go to any lengths.
You made me realise that my BPD naggs not just to get what she wants, but because she likes an arguement. I read once, Borderlines often seek out conflict and tention. It's what they've been use to their whole life.
I'm guessing she might have wanted you to scream back - game on ?
Mrs honeychurch, you're right. Only as vulnerable child the BPD dances all over our boundaries. Now we're grown ups - we can ignore the BPD nagging/moaning/preaching. Hurray ! :)

My mother's favorite phrase is " I am your mother, and that gives me the right to say whatever I want to you."  I never really understood how wrong this was until I had a son.  I cannot imagine saying the things to him she says to me. 

When I was in grad school, she nagged me mercilessly to come visit all the time.  One Christmas break, I didn't come home immediately because I had just been dumped by a guy I was madly in love with.  I spent the first few days of break along, trying to grieve and process.  She called to demand I come home, and when she badgered me into telling her what was wrong, her response was, "If I was there right now, I would smack you in your face.  You are an idiot.  Laying there crying about some worthless guy when you could be here spending time with me."  She then called and nagged for days until I finally came home.   And I had to pretend I was already over the breakup the entire holiday to avoid more "supportive" comments. 

It's infuriating.  And so hard to not to internalize things as truth when you hear it over and over again. 

My mother would go nuts with rage and volume for up to a whole day, the same point over and over. Essentially she would just keep goingand going as if she didnt think I had got it unless I was a crying wreck on the floor. Then she would be satisfied. When she would finally walk out of my room id hold my breath, dreading the quick steps back up the hallway with "AND ANOTHER THING!" as she remembered some other nasty point she wanted to scream about. I still shudder thinking of her ranting while holding my collar, face close to mine, spit flying while her green eyes flicked back and forth. Uuuughhhhh just hiddeous.

Enlighten me such a good explanation. That exactly how my BPD worked. Her rage and nagging would run for weeks, months at a time. Some nags where omnipresent.

Littlebirdcline my BPD also used the excuse “Because I’m your mother” or “Because I’m worried” those phrases allowed her to look though all your belongings, secretly listen in on your phone conversations, scare your friends away and hurl insults at their next of kin. I bet if we listed the stock excuses used by BPD there would be a lot of commonalty lol.

Yep.  I got an email today blaming our current NC situation on me, including the phrase:

"You mock my opinion on things I knew about, asthma, breast feeding, eating. I wanted to help but you thought you knew it all. Iguess I need an MFA to have an opinion. "

She prefaced it by saying that I had "been weird" since getting together with my husband.  I guess "being weird" is not just accepting whatever crap she wants to say, and having an opinion of my own.

You know, my BPDm constantly "corrected" me.  One such example was within the last several years.  I had used the term "sarcastic" when referring to something said to DD1.  I told BPDm that I had said something to DD1, but was just being sarcastic.

Later that evening, I got a "very concerned" call from BPDm, who had to quote from Webster's about what the word "sarcastic" REALLY means and used its synonyms including "biting, derisive, cutting, bitter, sardonic".  I think she might have gone into some of those definitions, too (can't remember) but she went on to say how she *KNEW* I wouldn't HONESTLY be "biting, cutting, bitter and derisive to YOUR OWN DAUGHTER!  I just wanted to call and tell you because I HONESTLY knew you weren't TRYING to do that to her!"

Yeah.  Really.

And Littlebirdcline, here's the fun e-mail now-CO BPDm sent me when I set boundaries and no-contact after her death-threat e-mail a year and a half ago:

"Christ died so that all our sins could and would be forgiven if we believe in Him.  You are forgiven the unendurable pain caused by throwing us , and especially me, away. I wish you peace,  comfort and the love of Jesus all of your days."

Love how she compared herself to Jesus and would be forgiven if I just believed in her. 

Thought you might like to know that others have received crazy e-mails too.  

You make your friends laugh a lot, don't you?  I love that.  I don't know why but it is just so perfectly... .accurate.

My mother nagged and nagged and nagged.  She never quit.

Oh my goodness, you all are basically telling the story of my life. lol  My mother is constantly like this.  Always nagging because "it is her duty as my mother and she would be wrong to not tell me how she feels especially when I am making such poor decisions".  I got that text from my mother the day before yesterday actually, along with a lot of other nagging stuff about how horrible I am.  I did not reply because, I know it is drama and a game and I simply don't feel like playing. ha! Yesterday she sent me (and resent) me a few "nice" messages, like "how are you? how is class?" etc... .still did not reply.  Today she has sent me a message about every hour and they are all "nicer".  It is all part of the game.  Mind games.  Anyone can say something nice to get you to open up to them.  And as you know, the spiral would just continue from there if I did reply.  No matter what I said she would go back to nagging me for something.  She nags me a lot to apologize to her for "all the stupid crap I pull", which is what I know will happen if I text her again.  (Texting is SO annoying btw... .but at least they can be ignored)  And of course, similar to your emails, my mother acts like she is "all-knowing" and I have to obey her and listen to her because she is my "mother".  Nope. It is toxic.  We do not need that in our lives.  Sometimes I put think of it like, if this was a "friend", I wouldn't put up with it, so why should I put up with it from her?  (I know it is more complicated than that, but it helps, especially when I have doubts.)  We are all very strong people and I hope the best for all of you.  Try to stay positive and SET THOSE BOUNDARIES! 

My BPD MIL does this to her husband.  It is unbearable to listen to.   If I were him I would have walked years ago.

best of luck

Let's be careful not to overgeneralize. I'm sure many people with BPD nag. So do many people without BPD.


As I child, I often felt trapped by my mother's criticism and rage. Really, many times I was physically stuck in a room or a car with no way out, having to listen to whatever she felt she had a right or a duty to say to me. I realized at a fairly young age that she must feel a need to control me because somehow it was easier than trying to control herself.  :light:

As an adult, like you, I began to establish boundaries and communicate that I am not for fixing. What do you do now when your mother says she "simply has to say something," HappyChappy?

Wishing you peace,

PF

My ex would have certain things she would nag about and then they would go away. For instance one was putting fiber glass poles in the windows so a robber couldnt open them. I understood the concept. But why was I always the one to do it? And to top it off, one day I came home from work and she had left the back door all the way open! What was my reaction. Complete calmness when I talked to her about it, and I never held it over her head again.

She would piss and moan about the way I did the laundry till her mom told her she was wrong on her view.

Hell, she would nag me about things that hadnt even happened!

The topics varied.

The most common nags that continued in the last part of the relationship were that we didnt do enough fun stuff, that she sacrificed marriage for me, not cooking dinner enough, me smoking, not taking the trash cans out if SHE felt they were too full (its called pushing the sh!t down!) thats all I can think of at this moment.

The thing is I felt that she did have valid view points. Anytime I felt it was truly something valid I would make a greater attempt at it (unlike the taking out the trash nagging)

I tried explaining my position on marriage, that I didnt feel understood in the relationship (I didnt know about BPD at the time, and Im not 100% its all BPD, I think there are other things too). It was still her sacrificing, even though I did want to marry her, I just wanted the relationship healthier. I wanted to be heard!

I went out and did more things. (Part of the reason I cut back was because the loss of motivation, there was always a problem) When I tried doing more things there was again some sort of problem. Or I was met with the question of why didnt I do this earlier. Completely unappreciative of me making the attempt.

So nagging- most definitely.

Well Ive just been nagged/ lectured by my exgf about being a father.

She's complaining that Im back for the next 5 weeks and Im having my other 2 sons from a previous marriage down for most of it. She says that I will never bond with my son with her if I don't have 1 to 1 time with him. The fact that there are 10 days in the middle doesn't count because she is busy then and cant fit me in. I almost lost it with her and shouted that the only reason I wont get to see him apart from my job is her. The fact that I will have his half brothers down shouldn't matter as they love him and any time he spends with me even if he has to share it is all good.

I then got lectured on love and how I never loved her because I always put everyone else before her. I told this to my mum and my mum went ballistic. The fact that my ex was trying to force out my other sons from my life and how she isolated me from my family didn't count. I sat there listening to it and a tiny part of me almost bought it. Then I snapped back into reality and saw it for what it was. Her demented little world projecting the fact that she never had a dad and has never truly known love as it is something that she wouldn't recognise.

I walked away feeling angry. Angry at myself for my moment of weakness where I was nearly sucked back into her delusional world and for having doubted myself.

YES!  This thread reminded me of a story.  Before I went VLC with my mom, I took her on a trip to New York City.  This was a mistake!  I lived in that part of the country at the time and was familiar with the city and so I volunteered to take the lead on planning our trip etc.  Once we were there, she turned into a dependent child!  It was ridiculous.  She acted like she was totally unable to take care of herself in any capacity.  Then, she said she wanted to get my dad a gift.  I said, ok, but right now we are not in a part of town with those tourist items, but we will be later.  She literally then repeated herself, "we have to get your dad a gift" at least 20 times a day until I was just about ready to scream at her.  I think my two year old could handle herself better!  It was a bad trip.

She can nag excessively at home too.  "did you turn out the lights?" "we need to do a load of my laundry" etc. over and over and over. It is one of the more difficult parts of being around her.  Glad I am not the only one!

My wife called it "thinking out loud", but that was not what it was.

When we got our daughter my wife got a little bit less space and I had to do something about the "nagging" situation as it brought considerable stress into our relationship. The problem my wife was talking all the time and it created stress in me. I asked her to question why she say things. What the purpose is. What she wants to acheive by saying it.

This kind of talk made the milk go sour.

Of course, if you would break down the "thinking aloud" you would find that it consisted of my wife saying things that she would like to have done - but not doing them. The only way to relieve the stress is to do the things to stopp the nagging. If I start to talk about the things the say (in an ever so friendly manner), just to discuss how they should be done or who should do them - then she would think I was being difficult and obnoxious.

What do we want to do about it?  What are some healthy solutions?

So in answer to P.F.  I guess we need to set boundaries and stick to them. The only problem is my BPD is so aggressive, permanently angry, always on the War path. She will stop at nothing to keep control and bats boundaries away like flies. This is a woman that has caused such a stink in a restaurant, they wavered the bill if she would leave immediately. A woman that reduced a shop assistant to tears, because she demanded a refund on shoes they didn’t stock (she got a free pair of shoes yet the shop assistant was right).

She always saw me as the rebel, who needed breaking. It’s almost as if, she would do me in, just as a warning to the others in the family. And the others in the family, wouldn’t say boo to a goose. Never resisted her control. I’ve been up against some strong characters in my life, and more often than not, won the day. But with my BPD – that’s one battle to walk away from, because the prize for winning isn’t really worth the struggle. But from what I’ve read in this forum, my BPD is particularly aggressive and high up the spectrum, so I guess boundaries might work with some, but I think it needs to be NC with my BPDm. Country boundaries didn’t work with Hitler did they ? Which ironically was what my friends call my BPDm.  *)

My mom nagged about everything, she would tell me that I did everything wrong. She also told me many inappropriate family and private secrets that a child should not be told. I could never have a relationship with anyone because she viewed that as being unfaithful to her. She would constantly say that people do not like you they only use you. She would threaten to leave my dad and brothers and only take me. If I said something good about my dad it seemed to be an act of treason for her and she would get angry and start to threaten many things. Her nagging was not just annoying it was very frightening and I never knew what would happen next. Even now when people say something positive about me, I feel very surprised and I do not see what they do. It takes a while to understand, my therapist said that it is because of the constant put downs and never being good enough.

This is the case with me and my uBPDm, as well.

Now, P.F.Change wisely pointed out:


From my experience, the difference is an extreme dis-proportionality between the triviality of the subject of record and the intensity of the badgering (at least from the Non's perspective.) Even worse is that the intensity severely increases when any resistance is encountered.

For example, my uBPDm for many, many years in my yearly or so visits with her would never fail to mention her displeasure over my ever-shortening hair length, "you used to have such nice curls... ." When bald spots became evident, I started shaving my head--much to her horror. I know this is a control thing with her. It's made even more acute by my wife's preference for shorter hair. It all just seems so trivial to me... .

It's even worse with books and TV & radio shows. Once she gets on a certain item, she will bring it up at every opportunity. Even calling me when said show is on to see if I am tuning in.

She even brought up a specific book that is on her "reading list" [for me] in one of our therapy sessions. Making note to our trained professional that reading said book (somebody's supposed memoir) would surely solve the mental/emotional problems that uBPDm thinks I have.

Actually, I did read about 1/3 of the book. My wife and I listened to it on a road trip. Neither of us really connected with it. I mentioned that in the T session (I am sure that stuck in her craw; especially since she could not follow up and test me on the details of the book.)

It's not just with things she wants her target(s) to experience. I don't know how many times I have heard in my lifetime, "I hate jazz!". A few years ago, somehow I got her to agree to go with me and my wife to "Blues Alley" in Georgetown to see Ahmad Jamal perform and she loved it. Go figure... .

I really focus on ignoring it. If it continues I'll say something like, "Yes, I heard you the first 20 times you mentioned it. I really don't want to hear about it again." Obviously attempting to set a boundary. Doesn't always work, but it does help to set the tone.

Cheers,

Jema

You described my mother to a T.

It all started when I was a pre-teen and she would wake me up in the middle of the night because I left streaks on the glass table. She'd stand behind me, and slap me if I didn't wipe the table in the direction that she wanted, smack me again because I didn't put enough Windex on the cloth, and then chastise and smack me some more because she thought I rolled my eyes at her. It was awful.

I agree, this is important, HappyChappy.

Boundaries exist to show us where we need to take care of ourselves. They will not change or control other people. Communicating a boundary does not mean the other person will be willing or able to respect it--we have to be willing to respect it ourselves enough to hang up, walk away, etc., when we need to.


Ignoring the behavior or stating a boundary about the behavior are two good solutions.  |iiii  It's important to remember that we have a choice about our attitude. We can choose to be in charge of our own feelings and space, or we can choose to feel victimized. As children, we may not have had that choice, but as adults we do. S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict) is a great tool for communicating boundaries.

All these experiences are really interesting because I realise I'm not alone in having to deal with these things from my uBPDM


She calls it that too. What it really is is:

Repeated questions about things that do not need to be questioned. Either things such as "Where is that remote?" ":)o we have enough tea?" "What did I do with that [insert thing here]" just banalities that if I ignore tend to just keep going on until I get angry, or she will start yelling them. No, they are not rhetorical questions, and even if they were they would still drive me nuts due to frequency.

Repeatedly questioning me about my decisions, usually after having asked me or claiming she can't decide something so I should. Typically it might be something such as Her: "Which way to town?" Me (with map): "This way." Her: "Are you sure?" Me: "Yes." Her: "Are you sure it's this way." Me: "I'm absolutely sure." Her: "It doesn't look like this is the right way?" Me: "... ." Her: "Is this the right way?" "I don't think this is the right way. Is it?" ad nauseum.

Also the general nagging about things she is trying to control such as if/when I get a haircut or change my hair or what I should buy in the supermarket. Me: "Right I need to buy some sultanas", Her:"You should get raisins. I don't like sultanas." Me: "Yes but I like them." Her: "Raisins are better. Get some raisins." Please bear in mind we do not live together and the only people eating the sultanas are me and my SO. Not her.

This is one of several things I really am desperate to set boundaries for in our relationship. I am going to try taking the advice on here to point out that I am not going to listen to it any more. Ignoring does not work with her as she doesn't stop and it makes me angry. Yelling at her is about the only thing that stops it, but I don't want to spend my life being angry all the time, and I feel like it provokes the reaction she wants.

My daughter is constantly ill. She lives at the doctors, family planning, hospital, web sites. It never stops, if its not a headache, it a belly ache, pain in her hand ... now today her hair is falling out ... .if I don't sympathies and run to the medical cupboard or ring the doctor she gets mad and starts shouting. I dread speaking to her because there is always a problem, she also became addicted to pain killers for a while, which I feel guilty about cos as a child she never stopped moaning about being ill... that problem has gone now but is being replaced. Its very difficult.

takehido

I totally get your issue. small, normal talking becomes like a mountain to climb, every conversation feels like a battle, I have become a bit fearful of even talking to my daughter.

I have no answers but I feel your pain.

Im not sure if this is nagging, but they complain A LOT! There are, let´s say, 5 topics that they rotate between. I guess its a need to create drama, so they feel alive.

Also, I have noticed that they nag/ complain in order to get me to do things for them. Im VLC/ NC now, but as soon as they saw me, they brought up a list of problems for me to solve. And the stupid me, always offering solutions. Or they "planted" ideas in people´s minds so people do some chore on their behalf and at the same time they are not responsible, "cause I never asked for it".

My solution, besides VLC/ NC was being very boring and answering with neutral statements like "oh, really? thats annoying, isnt it?". Then Id change the subject ASAP.

This is a good question PF Change!

My uBPD mom tended to be one of these talked about naggers or 'reminderers' as I shall label her for this topic. She 'reminded' me constantly of many things, including how bad my father was and how much I didn't understand or remember about their terrible marriage. One day after hearing this topic again for the millionth time, I turned to her and gently said (as I wanted to explode inside and outside and run away with my fingers in my ears), "Mom, for some reason you think I have not heard you. I heard you say that dad is bad and that I don't remember and how painful it was for you. How can I show you that I have heard you? What do you need from me?" She was so astonished that she stumbled over her words and said, "Well, I'll have to think about that." She rambled around and said some things, trying to fill the void. As she tried to think what to answer, it was apparent that she could not come up with a good answer. She wildly vacillated between going back into the old rut and teetering on the edge of a real answer. The conversation ended pretty soon thereafter, and I've never forgotten how that worked fairly well for me to achieve an escape for that moment.

Woolspinner