BPDFamily.com

Hello, people!

I've just discovered this Forum and I am glad in knowing that I am not alone and that I can meet people with experiences alike mine. I think only one who has been in a relationship with a BPD partner can understand each other... . 

My history starts on Internet. I live in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, and I've just decided to travel to France. Since I had no compnay to go with meo, I was trying to make french friends on internet. I met him on Abril/2013, and my travel was planned for October. For all these months, we kept intense contact, hours on Skype, and he decided to travel around France with me. And so we did, it was perfect, 45 days together, in a lot of different cities... .  I came back in the middle of November, 2013.

It was perfect. We were in love, he decided to come in December, to spend his Christimas and New Years Eve with me, in Rio de Janeiro. And so, he stayed for more 40 days.

After he left Brazil, the problems began. I always realized that he was 'special', maybe an hypomaniac or so (he's very energic); sometimes I felt he became angry easily with small things. But until then, I had not have problems with it.

So, the problems started with paranoia. He started to think that I've sent him 'implicit' messages: whatsapp status, posts and songs on Facebook. Then, started to think that I was always 'hidding things'. And finally the first collapse: he thought I wasnt answering because I was on the phone with someone else, started to say I was a liar, and then a lot of agressive words (very agressive), say that he has 'proofs'  against me and if I wanted one chance, I should take a plane to Paris on the following day. This situation was so so absurd, and for the first time, I went into despair. After hours of discussion he finally realized that he was wrong, that it was a 'reaction', started to cry and apologize, tell how I was perfect and I havent deserved this etc.

Of course, I forgave.

One night, he made a paint of me (a very beautiful paint) and we talked to each other during all the night, so he decided to paint my dog and I felt asleep in front of the computer. When I awoke, there was a lot of messages like ‘you’re a  please read               |ing actress’  ‘you don’t care’ etc. Then I called him as soon as I read to tell him I just slept, and he told me he cried a lot thinking I was talking with other one else,  and so. He was ashamed, asked me to forgive.

But this kind of situation started to be repetitive; 3 circles of this until he comes again to Brazil, in the end of April/2014. He stayed for one month and we had a lot of discussions for nothing; he lways thought I was hiddening my thoughts or feelings, that I wasnt the person he thought I was, after he cried, apologized etc.

Then he came back to France last month, in the end of May. I was planned to go to Paris on August.

And then a new circle of discussions started again. He became jealous of random people, started to check my geolocalization all the time asking what I was doing in 'that place', and despite everuthing I said, he insists I am 'hidden' the truth; I accused him of stalking me and he started to insist that I was flirting guys around. So he decided to 'block me almost everywhere' and only have contact by email; after he admitted he did this to avoid see ‘suspicious things’ and to prove me that he was not stalking me.

On this point, I was not feeling motivated enough to buy the tickets to go France. After this, he started to be more distant, and told me it could be better if we avoid intense contact until august.  I told him I was insecure, that I needed him to motivate me, be more in touch etc... .   and I was worried about the feeling of be ‘under suspection a priori’ 24 hours per day. It's not like go to other neighborhood by taxi, is about crossing an ocean!

Then we started to discuss about a lot of things, he started to insult me again, and in the end, he gave me an ultimatum: or I should buy the tickets in two days or I should not go to France anymore. The last thing I needed to get motivation was a discuss with insults and ultimatums; so I declined.

On the following day, I sent him an email saying that I haven’t changed my mind (how he was accusing me and of don’t be the person he thought  I was) that I still believe that we have chances of improving, that both of us have blame, that he needs some limits like stopping insulting me… but despite all of this, I wanted this to have a happy end and I was happy in go to France – he just needed to confirm that he wanted me to go.

And then, I started to fall in hell, fragile as I already was.

No answer. He haven’t opened this email until now. I’ve deduced he blocked my email.

So, I’ve created other profile and made a video explaining the things on youtube. I say that I think we could try one last time, that his accusations that I have changed my mind were untrue, because I still believe (if you , like me, still loving your BPD parter, you’ll understand my effort, even if I know, rationally, it’s a mistake).

He has disappeared for an entire week, until now. I feel totally lost. People say I should feel free, but the fact is that I really want to give a last chance to this relation, since he told me he was reasearching for therapy. I don’t feel defeated yet, except for his silence. I ask myself why he even haven’t read my emails (since my email has a notification service) , but watched the video.  Despite this, no contact at all.

I just tried to make him feel confident, since he confessed many times he was afraid of me giving up of everything because of his ‘reactions’. Every time he distrusted me, I tried to explain in detail (now I see this was a mistake). I avoided to take the insults personally, even if they hurted me. He always thought my attempts of keeping the calm looked like indifference, and because of this, he increased the level of verbal abuse (according to him, every time he offends me, he offends himself, but it’s the only way he can find to feel better). Many times, he said that everytime time he perceived that I was thinking he was a ‘monster’, he felt compelled to behavior like this, and at the same time he could not support the idea of shaping this image on my mind.

And now I am here, waiting, wanting a last chance despite I know we almost have no chance; scared about the possibility of he has decided to really forget me, after a stupid discussion; I ask myself what he is thinking, feeling, doing;  I can’t stop ruminating it. Sincerally, I really wanted him to come back again, apologize, tell me he only needs some time or so, like the other times. The great problem is that I still loving him, and I have something in my mind that tells me he will not look for me anymore.

A BPD partner can make you  fall into pieces. ...

Listen closely... .He'll be back. Just give it time, read the stories on here, they all have something in common right? You'll be fine trust me.

He will be back if he is anything like mine and from your story he sounds A LOT like him. I've been playing the break up / make up, mean / nice, Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde game with him for 2.5 years.

Start writing yourself about this, write down everything that happens. That way when you have invested that much more time and fooled yourself into thinking it was better than it was, you will find all these letters to yourself and remember the reality instead of only the good.

I've found several things I've written and it's making me realize how LONG all of it has really been happening, when I would have thought our relationship was "mostly good" if I relied on my own memory alone.

It's a tough road. I wish I could give you hope other than to say, he'll come back and recycle over and over.

Actually, I am not sure. I think he simply decided to break suddenly, as some BPD can do. I think the fact we live in different continents also contributed to this, since insecurity increases... .

I can't deny I would like to recommence, specially if he engages in therapy. But I guess this will not be the case.

What hurts is knowing that I did my best, had much patience, could stay calm in most of the discussions (he says sometimes I am a 'machine', that I always use the mind instead of the heart because of this - one of the reasons which I realized makes him think I am always 'hidding' things). But my mistake was to try to comfort him excessivally.

Everytime he thought I was lying, or that I could leave him,  I tried to give all details/make all efforts to show him he was wrong. I realized he always faced this as a defense from a guilty person. So, everytime I tried to justificate what happened, I increased his level of distrust regarding me.

One of the problems that I faced: since I knew he could distrust any detail or anything, I started to avoid to talk certain subjects. For instance, he was jealous of a friend who was doing me a big favor regarding a judicial dispute. So I avoided to tell him I was in touch with this friend. It was something I could easily tell, but I preferred to avoid a useless querrel because of this. There are some cases like this, whom I omitted some things just to avoid a problem, butin the end he could perceive I was omitting; other times I only told him after.

The same regarding everything I could say, since I started to be very careful with words. One more reason to make him accuse me of being a machine hidding things, of 'don't be natural and dont use the heart'... .

So, all my defenses and strategies to deal with him went wrong, because in the end they just 'confirmed', in his mind, that I don't deserve to be trusted. That's why I think he really gave up... .

Thanks for the advice regarding writting! It sounds a good idea.

And as I replied above, I think he will not come back this time. I just would like to convince my heart that it is good for me, despite the fact I really love and miss him. I've faced some very hard days since he disappeared.

And I really hope to make him, at least, a good memory in my heart when this storm ends.

And wow, how I would like to try again, even if this is a crazy idea... .

How have you been dealt with your BF? Nothing improved in 2.5 years?