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hi all. the pain is gone. yep the pain is gone :) i dont think about her. i dont feel the chest tightness. i am normal. I AM BACK TO NORMAL :':) . I have been staying NC for 3 months until 2 days when i broke it. 3 months ago, my ex was giving me the silent treatment directly after the break up and i got so pissed and called her names (through txt). I stayed NC and the pain was increasing everyday. i could not tolerate the pain and knew that this is not the pain of a normal break up. i thought i was processing the pain of an unknown unresolved issue. three nights ago, i was going through my dropbox and found a screenshot of a poem my ex wrote to me during the idealization phase. it brought a lot of pain. i unblocked and texted her the screenshot with : " I found this while i was going through my dropbox. I really laughed. How can you switch between love and hate in a second ? anyway take care of yourself. i wish the best for you."

after sending the message i was getting my metaphorical armor to receive and deal with the pain. i slept and woke up to find myself in a better condition. i was so skeptical. i was waiting for the pain to kick in at any time of the day but it didnt. i dont think obsessively about her as before. my mood is better now that i can focus on a task. I did not think that the unresolved issue was the good closure from my side. she is still giving me the silent treatment but i dont care. she might still think that i am sarcastic when i tell her to take care of herself, but still i dont car what she thinks. I am happy with this closure. I find myself a very decent person. it was painful and shameful to end it with bad names even with someone screwing my emotions and life like my exBPD. for 3 months i have been suffering because i called her bad names in a minute. i am discovering myself more now and thats my nature and will not change it. when in a bad situation i will ignore and fall back. i will not offend. i will not call someone bad names. i am not gonna get anyone to get me down to their level anymore. what i did, i did for me. she might be satisfied as she thinks that i am still hooked even after 3 months. but i dont care. what i feel is what matters. i feel liberated. i forgave myself. i forgave her. its time to focus on what is happening in the present. its time to work on my life to be better.


I would like to thank everyone here who have helped me specially Mutt, Lettinggo14, Tausk, Skip, Narellan, Corraline, Mywifecrazy, Boris, Infared, outofegypt, awakenedone . and if you have helped me and i didnt mention your name thank you :) I can't be thankful enough. this website has made me realize a lot of things about myself. I will never forget you people.

I am glad you are feeling better.  sounds like you had a break through.  Be gentle with yourself and if you still feel pain in the future it is ok healing is a process.

yes i feel a break through. it was like a switch. i am not 100 % sure that its all gone for good but i am not cultivating the thought right now so not to attract it. i am enjoying every second of mind liberation now. hope it is good for good :) i hope you get better blimblam.

Well said, antony_james.  As you know, there is good stuff happening here: Taking Personal Inventory Board  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0)

Congrats on the next step in your journey.

Hey AJ, congratulations on the progress!

I don't want to discourage you or anything but having gone through many ups and downs with my detachment process, don't be too disappointed if the pain creeps back in.

Usually the pain decays over time, coming and going, sometimes more painful and for longer periods of time and sometimes shorter and more tolerable.

So don't panic if you see signs of setbacks and maybe curb your enthusiasm about sudden improvements :)

Just my 2 cents... .

TIL

Yes i know


I have been through lots of ups and downs. Last down was unbearable like literally my physical body could not take it. Sending her a decent message though was given the silent treatment was like a switch for me. All the buden, pain and agony was washed away in a second. As i said i am ready for the pain to be back but i doubt it. This up is different. I have been through ups before. I hope i am right. This up is relieving. I feel like i am done. I feel like my life is waiting for me.

AJ:  I'm glad that you feel better and feel closure.  But I hope it's for the correct reasons.   It's like when my ex would project her shame onto me and then feel better temporarily for the moment, but the real reasons for the shame were never addressed.

The same goes here.  I've felt the same type of relief that you speak of, from minor engagements with my ex, but I realize now that the relief was just a hit from the crack pipe.  For example, it was like when we were together and I'd feel so much better initially after a break up when we recycled.  It was a projection of connnection and that everything would be alright.  It was a projection of understanding.  But it was all a lie.   None of it was everlasting, and I've found that each contact, for me, led to the desire for even more contact to soothe the internal shame and pain.

I hope that you really have found closure.  If you have not, remember that your contact here wasn't the answer and that futher contact won't provide the answers either.  The ability to self soothe requires that we be able to find relief from our pain without needing to have our exes invovled.

T

Good for you AntonyJ,

Breath it in, it is a safe port on the way, but keep going.

This is a process not a destination.

It is reality, not a 'happy ever after' fantasy.

It is the rebirth of yourself coming out of darkness.

The lost get found... but by who?

But feel it brother. Feel it, the escape from the abuse.

Changingman

So you can stick those little pins into that Voodoo doll, I'm very sorry baby it don't look like me at all

You're welcome antony_james. You describe the pain  very well. I found that I started to wake up and was immediately hit with excruciating pain and it was there the entire day until I went to bed at night. You long for the days where you feel normal. One day you wake up and you are not faced with this pain as soon as you do. It may hit you a half an hour later or maybe an hour. I noticed there where gaps where I felt like my old self but then the pain would come back. It ebbs and flows, but eventually the gaps start to become longer. That 30 minutes turns into an hour etc.




It is 3 months of suffering but on the flipside you are discovering things about yourself through this pain. That's the pay-off and there are life lessons to learn here.


You are starting to recognize that there are certain treatments that you will not allow from other people. This is a learning process and don't be disappointed if you aren't vigilant 100% of the time and fall-back on old techniques. Don't be hard on yourself if you do. It's a learning curve, but keep at it and it becomes second nature. You don't have to think twice. This isn't a race and it's different for everyone, just make sure you take it nice and easy and go easy on yourself. If you start feeling like you did before, that's OK.