BPDFamily.com

Hello people

I've already told all my story here. Whatever, I still needing some support.

In resume, about 10 days ago, I have a big discussion with my BPD BF (who lives in other country) because he thought I was taking so long time to buy my tickets to go to his country on my next vacation (August). In the end, he gave me an ultimatum: I should buy the tickets in two days or simply don't go.

I declined the ultimatum and told him that I should not go. On the following day, I wrote him an email explaining him that, opposite what he thinks, I havent changed my mind regarding keeping our relationship. He never opened the email.

So I made him a video explaining everything, why was a bad idea to impose me an ultimatum, but that its nor true I wanted to give up. I told him on the video that I want to travel.

He watched the video, but gave me no answer.

I think he finally decided to break everything. The problem is that I love and miss him, and since he told me last time we talked he was seeking for therapeutical help, I started to think that 'we still have a chance'.

I told on the video that my travel could answer us if we still can be together or not.

This kind already happened with someone else? I know BPD can suddenly quit a relationship, but I wasnt expecting for this.

His silence is torturing me. Something inside me tells me he is gone forever.

How deal with the situation when your BPD partner leaves you?

Hi Kash.  My sense is that you want to stay in the r/ship, and I'd suggest posting on the Staying board rather than Leaving, as I think you are looking for help in managing the current dynamic between you two, not just leaving this behind.

No, I doubt very much that he has permanently left you.  That isn't all that common.  For most of these r/ships it seems that it never really really ends until the non BPD partner decides to end it.  That doesn't mean the relationship that they return to over and over is functional or healthy of course.

My sense having read your two posts about this situation is that he is reacting to you saying "ok, I won't come then."  Logically, I get that you are trying to explain to him that ultimata don't work well and you don't want to respond to one.  But you don't want to give up on the r/ship.

But pwBPD are highly triggered by the prospect of rejection.  When he said you should decide to come within two days or it's over, and you said I'm not coming -- it's highly likely that triggered a big wave of defenses on his part to deal with the feeling of rejection.  That doesn't all go away just because you then explain yourself.

For people staying with someone with BPD, it seems quite important not to lightly (or ever, unless you're truly at the point of doing it) threaten to end things.  Their defenses kick in to devalue the relationship if they think you aren't going to stick it out, and to ditch it before you can.

That's why on the Staying board, discussions of boundaries for managing within the relationship emphasize removing yourself from an abusive dynamic but making clear to the BPD partner that you are NOT leaving.  You are coming back.  You will be back in 3 hours, tomorrow, whatever, and we can talk about this more then.  It alleviates the pwBPD's fears of being left, rejected, abandoned, and alleviates defensive responses to wreck the r/ship themselves before you can.

Hello, patientandclear :)

First of all, thanks for your support (again!) :)

I still thinking he gave up. As I said, he watched the video, he knows I still available for him. But he keeps silence. I think this time is not a game or test; I think he choosed the easier way he could find to escape.

Anyway, I'll do what yo suggested and post this in the other board :))