BPDFamily.com

New on the site, just posted an intro so feel free to read it.

Gf is BPD, at least she meets 7 of the criteria based on my assessment and what she has told me.  No offical diagnosis.

Relationship is not good and almost ended last month.  She has turned into a couch potato and doesn't want to do much.  I have some interests and have been doing stuff for myself.

This means I am out of the house a couple of nights a week and on Saturday until about 1:00 pm.  I have invited her to join me in all of my activities and she has said she is not interested and doesn't want to go.  I have asked her so many times I finally said to her, you have a standing invitation and I won't ask again.  Needed to do this because she became angry at me for asking.

Now she is complaining that I am never home and don't do anything with her.  She says she is trying to fix a dying relationship and I am never around.  I reminder her that she can join me and her response was, "I am waiting for an invitation." 

I was floored by this.  Shouldn't have been, but was.  There have been so many times she gets stuff absolutely wrong its amazing.  How can I invite you so many times you get pissed (at least a dozen separate times) and then say she is waiting for an invite.

I am not going to stop doing what I want to do.  I already did that for the last 3 years and it didn't work.  She can either join me or sit around at home doing nothing.  She says she wants to do things with me.  What she really means is, she wants me to do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants with no questions asked whether I like it or not.  What she really wants is a puppet that will dance to her whims.

What do you think?

I have had very similar experiences. Been trying to get my wife to walk the dogs with me regularly. She has twice (I think) this year. Most times I ask if she wants to go, and have told her she's always welcome. She is sometimes upset with me over it, but it's the only thing keeping me sane at this point.

It is good that you recognize this, because it won't change.  That is exactly what it is.  That is exactly how it was with my ex.

And can you guess what would happen if you stopped going out and tried to just stay home and make her happy?  She would do what my ex did while we were married.  She would complain that you are too focused on her.  She would put you down for having no life.  And she would STILL not go out with you or do anything with you.  And she would give the excuse that you are around too much.

You cannot win with people like this.  Everything in them demands that you focus on them and nothing you do will ever be enough.  Everything you do and everything you are for them is insufficient and/or wrong.  They can have their sweet moments, but this is basically it.  I spend the larger part of 14 years doing everything alone.  It wasn't until the few times I was done with her that she turned around, like a switch that was flipped, and was suddenly like, "Hey, why do we never do anything together?"  Amazing.

The thing is... .it is very isolating.  I don't know how long you have been with her, but when you have been with someone like this for years and years, and when you share kids together, it is all the more difficult to deal with.  Because then you have the pressure of having a "family" together.  It was a horrible time in my life.  I was the family for my kids.  We did everything without her unless it was something SHE wanted, on her terms and on her time.  And then we all jumped because... .hey, who knows when mommy is going to want to be with us again.  Awful.

Sorry, bro.

My experience: My X joined me in my activities and made it so unenjoyable I stopped.  Guess what we did? Her activities only.

Warning: It happened so slowly, I didn't notice.