BPDFamily.com

I am new so I don't know what all the abbreviation mean- so sorry in advance!

So after 2 months of really good communication and actually no rages, my boyfriend who I suspect had BPD, blew up over the weekend. I am still feeling the effects of the rage- feeling low self-esteem, anxiety, I have created a distance between us so that I feel safe and like he can't hurt me (emotional space), feeling very very closed off to him. I do not want to let my guard down and get close to him again just to have him blow up on me and make me feel like crap. This I put this together (him having traits of BPD) this weekend, I have been really torn between staying and leaving. This isnt the first time I have thought of leaving either. I do however like I have to stay because of my 1.5yr old daughter and fiances. I do love him and want things to work, but I just dont know if I can keep doing this song and dance. I read peoples stories on here and think... well thats worse than my situation and they are staying... validating in my head that maybe it isnt that bad? There is no physical abuse, no cheating that I know of, no risky behaviors... .hes a high functioning boderline. Hes smart, intelligent, a wonderful father and most of the time good to me. When he gets anxious, scared, etc... .he will blow up and come at me like a wolf attacking its prey. He has described it to me as he has to duke it out until he wins- thats what his family did. Due to my past of physical and verbal abuse, I wilt like a dead flower and clam up- not saying a word. I go into a stage of fear, where I am paralyzed by anxiety and fear, my PTSD really shows up. I will be crying and sitting here in a ball just taking the arrows. I know this isnt healthy and I know I dont want to keep experiencing this- but I guess I wonder if I am making this a big deal in comparison to what some of you go through. Maybe this would be tolerable to the average person? But because of my past it is very intolerable to me. Anxiety hangs around for days after the rage and he wonders why I am acting depressed, why I am still effected, what is wrong with me. He says such mean things to me when hes mad- calls me crazy, and takes things from my past and throws them in my face. I think he wonders why I still remember the things he says- like its a flaw of mine that I cant get over it and move forward. I try, but he really beats me down emotionally where I feel so crapy. I am the one who gives the silent treatment because I am so scared to do anything- I revert to my old ways of trying to survive and I learned to be quiet in the face of an abusive ex. Not sure where I am going with this... .It is so hard to accept the appology after a rage because you know it will happen again and again... .only time will tell. I start to doubt his love for me because how could someone say such horrible things and still love someone. I will never forget the time a few months ago (in which I almost moved out that time)... .when he told me I deserved to be raped, that I asked for it and I wasnt really raped, that I was a whore and spread my legs for anyone ( I was raped a few yrs ago). It hurt so much because he was there to help me through that time and gave me amazing support and made me feel undamaged... .but then to hear those words in a rage made me loose all trust in him. He told me later he didnt mean it and he says things on purpose to hurt me- which I dont get at all.

I got enough courage to talk with him last night about how his last rage made me feel, how I wasnt sure if I was going to stay or move out, that I needed to set boundaries because I cant take the yelling and rages. I said if he starts to get heated, I will leave. I told him this is not an action to abandon him, but an action I need to take for myself in order to protect myself. I also said this will help him not engage in yelling because no one will be here for him to yell at! He agreed. I think this will be hard for him. He wants to control and letting me go has never been ok for him. The last time I tried to leave he cornered me in a room and wouldnt let me out and finally I called the cops. He was holding my baby and screaming at me saying if I left I was a horrible mother. UHHHGG! Time will tell but I needed to set a boundary for me.

The convo wasnt going bad until I asked for personal time for myself- for self care. He was very uncomfortable with this- I could see it in his body. I never go do anything with friends because when I ask to, he makes me feel guilty and compares our hours saying it has to be fair- its crazy. He is a recovering addict and goes to meetings 3xs a week. I dont ever say anything bc I want him to go and I know its important. Anyways basically he categorized for me what Self Care is- on his terms and anything outside of that wasnt ok. It was such a mind fu$%. He said its only self care time if I am seeing a therapist or going to a rape counseling center. I told him that I tend to get isolated and depressed- so seeing friends for lunch is a form of self care for me. He got SOO angry with me saying- how could I compare hanging with friends to his sobriety work- saying I was punishing him for being an addict etc etc! Everything he was saying was so irrational and made no sense to me- of course it makes sense to him. I told him it wasnt his job to define my self care and he needs to be supportive of however I choose to do it. LOL  go me! I tried to end the convo and leave it at that. Now when I decide I want to go do something with a friend, we will see what will happen. He will get mad at me and say- thats not fair- I didnt see my friends this week- cause a fight and then I wont go... .anyone else relate?

Where to start.   Yes I can relate.  I've been with my wife 15 years didn't recognize until the last year what was going on.   So confused thought I was crazy.  Went through lots of phases.  All out fighting back.  Then for years passive and just rolled with the blows.  The last year my wife has gone back to school, found a new career.  And I've become the complete after thought.  (She found something else to focus on). Literally have been on 2 dates this year. Won't wear her wedding ring.   And has called me everything you can imagine told me repeatedly she hates me. told me she's just waiting for me to die. Told me she's done being loyal. 

Back to point all relationships are give and take.  With Bpd lots of give on one side and lots of take on the other.  The name calling and personal attacks have taken their toll on me over the years to the point I've questioned who I am.  It's easy to make up at first and let it go but the long term damage is very real (at least for me). Boundaries should be set now and stick to them.  Nobody deserves to be called names and personally attacked.  It is verbal and emotional abuse.  For me I'm in the process of finding myself (most important) and then deciding what I am willing to live with.

My marriage has been long and hard and it shouldn't be that way. There will always be problems but there shouldn't be on this level.

Make a decision.   Consider it a blessing it hasn't been long.   If I knew then what I know now things would have turned out a lot different.  I have three kids and if they weren't here I would for sure be gone.  We all deserve peace and happiness and with Bpd that is just not the case.

Good luck.   

Im so sorry "3 children". Thats so sad and I am sure so stressful for you! I am glad you are taking the time to find yourself and set your own boundaries. I am trying to do the same. Good luck. Thanks for the support.

Good luck to you too.   I'm finding the boundaries are extremely hard to set.  I knew it would be.  Even my therapist told me to be ready because she will fight it.   Ummm hell yes she is .  Pulling out every trick in the book.  I am tired and feel weak today.  Just would love a big hug from her and to hear everything will be ok.   We will work it out.   I know that will never happen.   I've read that after food and shelter,  touch and validation or emotional intimacy is the next basic human need.  I think the worst part of Bpd is knowing that even if you get that from time to time, it's most likely not real.   I've questioned a lot about the last 15 years and I think that it hurts the worst knowing it was just a game for the most part.  Who's in control or this will get me what I want.   No real emotional intimacy.   

A little more to think about.  Again I'm so sorry.  Any way you look at it... .it sucks and tuff decisions have to be made for your sanity and mine and a lot if others.