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I am feeling overwhelmed today wondering if I can ever have a genuine fulfilling emotionally intimate relationship with my uBPDh.  I haven't mastered all of the tools here yet, so I spend most of my time keeping quiet in an attempt to keep things calm, but it leaves me feeling like I am faking it, or just being an actor or placeholder in life, rather than actually being in and participating in my relationship/family.  We have been married 9 years and have 4 children together, I don't see myself leaving for fear of what life would be like for my children,(my husband is also an attorney so I don't know my chances of ever getting away easily are very good at all, so I am determined to make the best of what I have).  I am just feeling down right now about actually ever getting to the point where I feel like I have a happy marriage, or a good relationship, or a meaningful genuine one.  Thoughts?

I think "faking it" is a coping strategy we have all tried at some point.  It serves its purpose for a little while, but in the long term it burns out.   I think the "fake it until you make it" phrase works in some aspects of life, but in the BPD context there really is no "making it" in the way we want it to. 

Faking it buys us some head space until we can make a decision.  Keeps the house calmer.  But I've faked it for too long in hopes that it will give *her* the space to heal.  It just won't work that way.  In the mean time, my hurt and frustration has built as I "wait" for a change.  It's not fair to her, either, because she needs to know how I feel, and keeping my feelings bottled in will only damage the relationship in the long term.

If you are "faking it" in order to just have peace and quiet for the short term - it may be a good strategy as long as you aren't compromising your safety or strong morals.

If you are "faking it" in hopes it will bring about some kind of positive change in them, life is bound to collapse around you. Be careful - I fell into that trap.

I'm in the same camp with Max, in that "faking it" can only be helpful for very short-term (no more than a few days) reprieve. However, it isn't an actual tool for long-term success in having a relationship with a pwBPD. Eventually you will wear down and become even more angry at the situation and yourself for having your head stuck in sand for so long. Learning how to successfully set AND enforce boundaries is one of the best things you can first learn. That, along with learning how to communicate your own genuine feelings while not invalidating (or at least decreasing invalidation) in your BPDh. "Faking it" will only cause loss of self-esteem along with a sense of loss of your own personhood. It is very easy to get caught up in the appeasing ritual just for the sake of short-term peace. Best of luck and all my empathy is with you.

Hi raggedy_ann,


good to see you joining the discussion. These relationships can cause someone to feel bewildered and the act of posting and responding to other posts goes some way to right our confused thinking and feelings.

It may be simply that you are overwhelmed with new information. Sure you have mastered all the tools yet - but here is my view of this: These are not tools but skills and you will notice even senior members to sometimes realize some new angle. In general it pays to focus on one tool for a while and try to get good in that - we learn best when we focus and slightly stretch ourselves. Often people start with validation and move after a few weeks or months to SET or start with boundaries and work from there.

If you don't feel your feelings much then another thing that could be is that the continuous stress pushed you towards being depressed. The following thread may be useful to look at this angle: Test: How are you really? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0)

I have also been faking it lately too.  I'm currently pregnant and find faking it is my coping mechanism to get through this pregnancy.  I suspect it'll last once I've had the baby and when the baby is a little older I'll finally have to deal with everything again.  I'm already getting exhausted faking things and I suspect he can tell because although his outburst have died down he's still acting out in other ways.

Hi raggedy_ann,

I agree with what an0ught said re. focus on developing skills. I am new to this, too, with uBPDw. I totally get the importance of the validation skills I am learning, but when I read SET, I just felt overwhelmed, not certain I could do it. After considering an0ught's response, I probably am not ready yet, having just started working on validating the valid and not validating the invalid (etc.). The thing is, these skills will only help you, no matter what you do in your RS, stay, leave, start a new RS. I believe that the more healing that I can do within myself, it can't help but be a positive for me and my two sons and have some, maybe only immeasurably small, positive effect on my wife. I think it may be true for others living with BPD partners. I believe that the seeds we plant will ripen in the future under the right causes and conditions. We can't always know the effect of our actions, but anything that you do to heal your own communication with your husband cannot fail to have a positive effect within yourself. How it changes your RS with your husband is dependent on the causes and conditions within him, and ultimately is not something that you can control. I hope this helps. I, too, am looking at my ambivalence, still working on acceptance of being right where I am.