BPDFamily.com

I am having a really hard time understanding this.  I am 6 months out and I am still not ready to date anyone yet.   I have just heard that she has entered another relationship.  She has decided to go back to dating females again.  How can you just jump from one relationship to the next without giving it a second thought?

They move on so fast because they have to. They need supply. Also their thought process is child like so think back to when you were a kid in a relationship. It didn't mean as much to you back then and you were able to get over breakups quickly. No one was saying I want to live the rest of my life with you. You weren't in the same relationship as her. As we sit here thinking they are creating new lives. If you were in a normal relationship you would be able to be adults about a break up and get over it. It's different with BPD. The non is always left questioning.

I agree with EVERYTHING confused said!  In my case she went out and got into a relationship before she left... .so she was sure she had constant supply... .just told me lie, after lie, after lie... .but she never missed a beat.  Then she would think I was so stupid and say things to me like "being out on her own was good for her."?... .I sometimes thought she actually believed what she was saying... .but she just flipped the switch on me, there was no grieving or any thing... .just the JOY of a new supply... .which I could clearly see once I caught on... .

They are not humans! :-)

Same exact story here. I heard "I need space" and "I need to heal" and "I need to find myself again." As if sleeping with someone else she lined up to jump to while we were still together accomplishes that.

They don't have an identity. They need the constant attention. Just remember, chances are she's going to destroy that relationship too. And, chances are, the next person is weak and willing to be their next victim. It's tough, but I try to remind myself of that. The fact the new guy is already texting her 24/7, at her beck and call 24/7, constantly available. The fact he was already hurt by her social media rants directed at me. It's not healthy and a normal person wouldn't put up with that and see the red flags already.

It wasn't going to work, it never will work. She's not who you thought she was. Try to find some solace in the fact you're not the one that will be manipulated now.

At the time of the split, my ex said "I've been with someone since I was 16. I don't know who I am when I'm on my own. I'm looking forward to finding out." Two weeks later she was dating someone "pretty seriously." A month later she dumped him because he was too serious. You can't make this ___ up.

Priceless.

If they are BPD, they can't survive without that desperate need being met... .

It's insane. After two weeks and of us being apart and seeing the new guy maybe 4 times, she's already acting like they've been dating a year and spending nights at a time at his place. Like, packing and "living in style."

The guy is much younger, and much weaker than me. I don't know if he's just the next victim or what but it definitely annoys me. How can she say she loves me two weeks ago and this weekend basically live in his place after hardly knowing him.

How do they do that already and so quickly? It's like being in love already... .

This ^^.  People are like vines to them.  Below them is a river of lava.  Letting themselves go without making sure there are ample vines to grab and swing onto is worse than death.  And I agree 100% about how their emotional maturity is like that of a child.

I remember one time, during the last affair I caught her in while we were still married, she freaked out because I got her kicked out of the house and filed for divorce.  She cried and apologized and told me that she wanted "time" to figure things out -terrified that I might be the "love of her life."  Sadly, I tried to give her that time.  But when I realized she was basically living with me (after a suicide attempt) and then going out to hotel rooms to screw this guy, and then coming back the next morning, I couldn't take it any more.  I couldn't give her that "time", and I was terrified but I said that.  And she spent a day or two away, and then told me that she "grieved me" that night.  One night.  In one night she grieved losing me, so she claimed... .her husband for 11 years, at that time.  She told me the thing she thought about the most was never having sex with me ever again.  Sick!

If you dumped her, it would have been different... .at least at first.  My ex freaked out and would vacillate between breaking things, completely non-functionality (blew off everybody and all of her college classes), and calling me up crying and telling me she loves me.  But once she accepted that wouldn't work, the switch flipped back to predator mode.  Now she's strutting through life like its nothing.  Happiest she's ever been, so it would seem at least   We know that is a bunch of crap, but hey... .as long as she believes it :)

My ex talked about things like taking time for herself, or she even noted that she hadn't had sex since the new year began (indicating that she was going to take a break for herself).  :)uring our divorce, she insisted that she would never introduce the kids to a guy she was dating until it was something serious.  Pffft.  What a joke.  She's had this guy on the hook since a week after I told her I was done.  It's been a few months, and the kids have already hung out with my ex, him, and this guy's parents.

So similar to my situation, but I didn't dump her. I did tell her I couldn't give her time.

She also said she was afraid "I could be the one she marries," "She's so deeply in love with me," but "Needs time to make sure I'm the right one" and "Make sure no one else could make her feel this way." Later in the week she was "So sad and depressed" and she "Screwed up and was so sorry."

I called bs. I told her we work through our stuff together or never contact each other again. No grey area. However, she was "Too distraught to make that decision." I told her fine, I know your decision then. Don't contact me again. This was this week.

I haven't heard from her since, but she has been parading on social media how happy she's been with the "new guy" of two weeks and his friends (which probably gives her a much needed friend group so she can validate herself, even though she hardly knows them. She can't make and keep her own close friends.) Of course, she's already spending days at a time at his house, acting like they've been together for a year. And I've been unblocked on social media... .presumably so it's easy for me to see. The new guy is much younger and inexperienced... .still a boy. This is all within knowing the guy for 3 weeks, and telling me she was in love with me up until a week ago.

Unsurprisingly, this new "relationship" has taken precedence over anything else in her life. Including her new job, which is surprising considering she can't afford not to work and already has difficulty paying her rent. Still won't go back to school, either. It's unfortunate because her family liked me quite a bit.

She'll probably reel him in with the sex like she did to me then cut him off hard. At least I'm hoping. I'm still very angry and vengeful at the moment. I want it to fail and fail quickly.

This was the only sentence that does not make me your replacement. Your replacement's story is my story. I am young. She is older and her ex was much older. She went out with me after a week of leaving him

I'm not sure I'm understanding what you're saying. You're saying you were in a similar situation to the guy after me and you got burned as well?

They move on so fast because they're always on the move, bouncing back and forth with push and pull. Running from themselves and those they've hurt. Patterns set. Honesty, and reality, avoided.

Ugh!  I heard this several times during the four years I was with my ex.  Each time, I told him that he should do just that, but he never did... .I constantly encouraged him to do what he needed to do get himself better.  I didn't think I could heal him, I didn't think I could make him better, though I won't lie and say that I DID believe that I could be a reason for him to get himself better, but, I did say "I can help you.  I can be your sidekick on YOUR journey.  I can lift you up when you fall, I can be a light in the dark, I can be a shade in the heat, I can be by your side as you face your demons and get yourself on your path to wellness."  I was very careful with my words, purposefully.  It was not, and never would be my journey, but I was willing to be by his side through his.

As far as I know, he hasn't moved on romantically yet, but I have been replaced by a "team" of folks in our industry.  A "team" that inducted him as a member of their team as I was leaving.  A team that, technically, I should be a member of, too, because the reason they inducted him was based on OUR work, work we'd both done together.  They occupy his attention now.  How long that will last, I don't know... . I can only care based on the theory that he might try to swing back to me when that goes south (despite my current status of Most Evil Person On The Planet).

Thank you for sharing your stories. I need to be reminded again and again that my wife is not doing the work, and feeling remorse... .she has jumped to the easiest and most convenient thing that will fulfill her needs, the lover she left me for. No matter how much she tells me otherwise.

Yes

justanotherguy,

I can relate to your confusion, frustration, and the desire to want to understand how and why?

The disordered person can not self soothe.  Once you begin to see the cracks in the façade and demand understanding that they can not give they are triggered.  Once you become a trigger they are afraid you will abandon them and they will lose their source for soothing.  To ensure their  perceived *need* for survival they will seek out replacements as backups should you cease to be their source for soothing. Once you are no longer their soother your function to them becomes Backup and emotional trashcan.  Within the framework of the karpman triangle you have become the persecuter, they the victim, and the replacements the rescuer. then their tends to be a traumatic dance of you and her alternating back and forth between the roles of victim and persecuter.

I agree to a large degree with what has been said here by other members.  

The concept of radical acceptance of the disorder is key to understanding.  

For me, I read all of the posts by member 2010.  It is there that I gained the clearest portrait of the Borderline personality disorder.

Even once I gained an intellectual framework for the disorder it was something I had to convince myself of I did not *feel* like I understood it.

I had to examine my relation to BPD. why I was attracted to it?  How I related to the different facets of the disorder?  What the Disorder provided for me in the various stages of its progression?  How I identified to the projections of the disorder? WHo in my family of origin my ex reminded me of?  It wasn't even so much of her but how I identified with the projections, and the emotions behind the projections.

Once I had intellectually put the pieces in place it took time, a lot of posting and self reflection before I had a breakthrough.

I am at a point now where I have come to see the interaction with my ex as a gift.  It was only in the deepest pits of hell was I able to find the part of myself that needed saving. Find that and you will begin to understand with your heart.

Blimblam your profess here is most impressive. I applaud you.

They leave so fast because of the dilemma they are in.  They far abandonment, but also fear intimacy.  A no win situation.  So if they start to have something even slightly akin to real feeling for you, that puts them in a panic as they fear intimacy.  So they have to do something outrageous to break it up.  You may have put up with a lot from them, but now they will go over the top, perhaps let you know they are seeing someone else, which they probably are, as they are scared of the relationship with you (getting too emotionally intimate, and remember this always, they fear intimacy) and their other fear -- abandonment?  Well, naturally they have to move on to someone else so they won't be "abandoned" -- they always have to have somebody, often more than one somebody.  And don't think for a moment that if you had done things differently, proved that you loved them... .my ex BPD said "This is so hard because I know how much you loved me."  Note, what he meant was that it was so hard for HIM, he had no empathy for what he had done to me, because... .another hallmark is a lack of empathy.  It is ALWAYS just about them.  And you have become trauma bonded to them, and boy, oh boy, you and I and anyone who has had a relationship with a BPD really need help as a trauma bond is much harder to break than a regular break up with a normal person.  If you can afford therapy, get it, it helped me a lot.  Try to get therapist who specializes in BPD's and trauma bonding.  Don't obsess over the fact that person moved on "so soon" they HAVE to:  they can't stand the emotional intimacy they had with you AND they have a terrible fear of abandonment.  It is a DISORDER.  It is mental illness.  Do not expect normal behavior.  You will never, ever get it.  You need to concentrate on yourself and getting yourself better.  You have been harmed more than you probably realize.  You don't, repeat don't, ever want to go back there.  The first 2-3 mos. are hardest, but with help, you can do this.  Good luck.

Would you really call it "moving on" in the traditional sense of the phrase? Mine has a

New victim, but she was still trying to pick at me and even offended the new guy by social media raging on me. I don't know if she's still doing to or complaining about me as I haven't looked, but I don't know if they really

move on. What would you call it?

This is excellent. They always have to have a back up. Once I realized that I left her.

I finally understood the whole deal and called her on every single part of it. And left, saying when you get this under control come on back - knowing full well exactly how high the bar I had set is for a BPD, but there is no point in a low bar.

Meanwhile I sleep at night again, I have my life back and no longer have physical pain associated with communicating with her.

FREEDOM... .

my interaction with my ex was very short but she was very honest during the idealization phase. i could see a pattern before knowing about BPD. i knew about BPD after the break up. it was confusing when she told me her stories with her exs, that the times between the men in her life are so short. i asked her when was the last time you have been alone and for how long ? she freezed !  red-flag

she was obsessed with this word in our language which means to become emotionally numb towards something bad as you have repeated it a lot and got used to it (she was talking about her stormy relationships i guess).

After watching season 3 episodes 1-6 of Arrested Development  for a second time I think I know how now.  The borderline is like the third place in a beauty pagent she has low self esteem, with a punitive parent figure who through absurd logic devalues your traumatized innerchild.  She presents herself as a "girl in a wheelchair," but can actualy walk, with a touching story who we think is a real prize and when she reveals her true identity we don't believe it. 

It is difficult for me to explain it unless I watch it a few more times and explain every aspect of every scene.  If you watch it yourself multiple times it will reveal pretty much every dynamic of the interaction  of a non male with a borderline female through subtext and metaphor.  It is absolute genius.

In one of my previous post I wrote

I attended several meetings (triads) in which family members, professionals and BPD’s (low and high functioning) were present. The most astonishing to learn was said by a BPD (which is no different as told many times on this Board):

“we” sincerely love you and “hate” you as you are then perceived not to be trustworthy.

“we” however love you still… and have a deeply hope you reach out, “we” can’t .

The more you reach out, the more “we” feel you care, the more “we” get frightened.

But hate is care, it is not indifference.

In order to avoid all that pain, “we” m u s t   cut you out, as the pain of losing the one “we” love the most hurts so much more. Remains 1 option, switch emotions of and move on…

Switch emotions of… the core was not completed, so there is no healthy way to process the feelings of losing a loved one, to grieve. Just not to process as we do.

Do “they” suffer? Yes, absolutely, though “they” don’t want other to see their always present inner turmoil, so “they” show us their “successes”… a complete make over of their appearances, cloths, color of hair, FB postings, having a wonderful time, and most profound with the next one, there soother, it is again … “finally found the love I always longed for”, “the best ever happened to me”… again… 

That’s why a BPD is moving on so fast.

Oh yeah! I had a variation... .

' I need to be alone for a while, to just be me.'

'I don't know who I am.'

' I don't want to be with anyone.'

'I'm going back to girls.'

All, ALL total BS

After 4 months of faking wanting to get back together, she met someone and immediately stopped wanting to be together and he's my replacement. Except he's almost two decades older than her, has zero net worth, is a low achiever and immature, has an apparently poor education (based on cringe worthy socials media stuff I've seen) yet, in the my exes opinion this is the messiah of love!

At least I know she didn't trade up! :) :)

This post right here hits home, very home.  During the last couple months of my relationship with my ex, shortly after telling him that I will go to therapy if he won't (during a discussion about weather or not we continue the relationship), I found a sample of his writing, it was in his first language, but Google translate told me that it said "you will kill me with your love."  He knew I wouldn't leave unless he made me go.  He knew that I would stick by him and continue putting myself through that hell to be by his side.  He knew that he would never stop hurting me.  So he cut me out.  And now he "hates" me.  I don't expect that "hate" to last indefinitely, not that I want him to try and come crawling back, mind you, just from past experience, I don't think I'm in permanent hate with him.

Very powerful stuff. And I suspect may be accurate

Lack of self, emptiness, hollow.

Doesn't know who she is sexually, emotionally, morally. Parasitical attachment to the point she wants to become the other person, dress like them, talk like them, love the music they like, lose all past, fragmented, distorted, absent from themselves, part time personas, splitting themselves and others into parts. Unable to form a coherent whole from the broken mirror of their false selves.

Or something like that

Oh! And disassociation, projection. She thinks she can leave all that poison behind, in you. It works, for a time for her, then the cycle starts again. How long will it work for you?

Good luck

Don't fight it, feel it

This rings very true to me.  I will say that, several months ago before the split, my ex said to me "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" and a week later, "I love you in my soul."  At this time she was going through a divorce, and I was going through some significant life changes of my own that were going to make me less available, at least in her eyes.  A week after that last comment, she told me she was going to date other people, that it was none of my business, that she didn't want to "see me or touch me."  However, she continued to say she loved me for a month after this.  Then, I had a significant medical scare. She supported me through it, but when it was over told me "the relationship had to change" and unloaded a barrage of name-calling and devaluing statements.  Told me to lose her number.  And there was a complete makeover in appearance, new car, etc as you said. 

The next day she got angry because I didn't text.  We went back and forth as "friends" for awhile, I went NC, and then recently she wrote to say she "missed her best friend."  I avoided responding for awhile, finally gave in in a fairly neutral way, and then she disappeared.  It all hangs together with what you've said: the "love" was real to her, the "hate" (or contempt) was real, the need to cut me out, switch emotions, but still not be able to let go. 

Still, in this context "love" isn't much different than "need a white object," and "hate" isn't much different than "need a black object."  The two terms here aren't used as we understand them.  It is sad.

It is hard not to feel like in these relationships we are all just child's toys.  Too scary to throw us out, so we are stashed in the attic. 

Again, so similar to my story. The lies, the mixed signals, being told I was loved deeply in her soul after sleeping with someone else the day before. The lying about it that was so convincing she continued to deny it when I found picture proof a week later. It makes you question everything you think you know. Then staying at the other guy's place like they've been dating for months. Changing the things she likes, the way she talks, her social group on a whim. Like the person I had known and "loved" for months suddenly didn't exist anymore. It's all about them; to fulfill their needs. They are sick.

But what sticks with me is one thing my ex said... ."Save yourself." How genuine was she? I'll never know. But it's the one thing she was right about. It's so difficult to cut them off cold turkey, but you are saving yourself.

She's blocked from my life... .I'll never know if she's tried calling or texting me. I won't know if she's still obsessing over me on social media. I was the one to end the process... .and it's tough but I'm already less anxious and stressed than I was with her.

I am seeing a therapist and trying to uncover issues in my own life that might have attracted me to her. My therapist also treats those with BPD and runs a DBT skills group. Seeing someone like this helps. They understand. They will tell you straight-up people with BPD are sick, don't have an identity, and will change on a whim. They are developmentally stunted in so many ways. But your T will help you understand they really are a slave to the disorder. They really can't help what they do. It doesn't excuse the behavior but at least it can help you understand a bit. Thankfully, my therapist is helping me save myself now. A therapist that has experience with BPD can actually understand what you're going through.

Stop writing about my ex! I'm so tempted to send her  a link to this. But of course I won't.

Very accurate.

I just got these same phrases a few weeks ago. "I just need some space." "I don't like who I'm becoming." "Something's off with me & I need to figure out what it is." No other explanation - just a gut feeling.

I'm still on the journey of acceptance. I don't want it to be true. I don't want our story to be like all the other stories I'm reading here. I want the love to continue. It's heartbreaking.

They beat us down. They left us with very little self esteem. So it’s very difficult to feel we can be be up to a task like a new relationship.
    I vaguely recall that relationships were fun, exciting.
  They destroy that and replace it with self doubt,  and apprehension of being exposed as being unworthy. Just like they told us we where for ever. 
    And the scary part is I think the only one who could make me feel good again would be another bpd idolizing me till they don’t.
  Scary.
   

The love go to Loathing. I begged for the love and groveled to be back in good graces. It ain’t happening. I’m over it and accept that part of the process but severely damaged by it. Oh well.