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I just got back from the hospital.

She was supposed to be gone this Tuesday, but hadn't. I told her that since I know how hard it is, I would let her stay til Monday. Anyway, we get into an argument today and I tell her to leave my apartment immediately. I walk into my bedroom to find her cutting her wrist. I ran over, restrained her and finally did something I should have done a long time ago. I called 911.

She was screaming like as if someone was burning her when I started dialing. She tried to take my phone, and ripped my shirt. I managed to get through and six police officers showed up. I told them she wasn't living with me, just visiting, and I told her to get out. Instead of leaving and finding a shelter, she opted to kill herself. In my home.

I went to the hospital, spoke to a doctor about how it happened, told them what disorders she had and some of the meds she took (and abused.) Now I'm washing my hands of it. She has some things here but I'm going to box them up over the next few days.

I'm not letting her so much as take a step into my home now.

Vatz it sounds like you handled that amazingly well. Well done. It sounds like a very bad situation... .How are you feeling about it all ?

I understand your desire to totally remove her from your life now for good. And that's a good plan to pack it all away in boxes you never have to look at again. But I'm concerned about this event and it's affect on you. This is a traumatic event. If you are seeing a therapist it would be a good idea to talk through your feelings about this, you don't want to develop PTSD. You have been through a lot and need to really process your feelings.

Peace and a big hug. 

I’ve long wondered … they are known for “cutting,” my uBPDxgf once described how you “go real slow,” “and not too deep,” she sounded proud her abilities!  I wonder, how many BP ‘suicide attempts’ are staged for attention only?  If people repeatedly ‘cut themselves,’ they’re obviously not cutting deep enough to die.

I envision yours having planned to use her well-practiced attention getting tactic on you, planning on only ‘cutting the top layer of skin,’ for example, then milking it.  Instead, you literally called her bluff, which was perfect.  I bet that’s why there were all the wild angry emotions… 

Don’t severely depressed people kill themselves?  And if in such a depressed state, I can not envision such an attack.  I think you interrupted a performance, then brought the curtain down! 

Always expect a ‘changed her’ upon your next meeting…  When in her mind, you simply won the last round.  Better let her know/ think she blew it, this time!   

Every time something difficult happens, she cuts or tries to kill herself. I don't know why I decided to call, probably because I was afraid this was just going to get worse. I needed her gone. But I was also scared that if I didn't call, she'd actually kill herself elsewhere.

As for how I feel, I'm sitting in my living room and every time there's any noise from parts of the apartment, I feel like she's about to barge in any moment. I've lived with anxiety having her here, and I still feel it.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel. I don't feel relieved because there's this nagging feeling that the worst is yet to come. Like she's going to ruin my life somehow. Hopefully she'll just leave me alone for good. But it doesn't feel over. I don't feel alone in my apartment. I mean, there's my dog, but he's not the reason. It feels like there are eyes on me.

Being on edge and anxious about noises shows fear. That incident would freak anyone out. You are now afraid of her. But don't get sucked into the fear obligation guilt FOG. Or she will use it to destroy you. Work through your feelings and keep your boundaries of NC. I'd drop her box of stuff on her parents or a friends doorstep and not say anything to her. And move on. You are not responsible for her actions.

I imagine you'd be feeling pretty numb also like it was all a bit surreal.

Take care xx