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Last fourth we sat on the roof of my house and watched a big fireworks show, holding eachother and saying how much we loved eachother and would do it every year. Needless to say this fourth has me way down.

I understand how you feel today and I am sorry for your pain. I've found myself thinking similar thoughts. Two years ago on the 4th we were so deeply in love. The kind of love you can almost "feel" when you think about it.   Last year, I had been split for a while and recycled, and told there was just no way we could ever be apart. While he sobbed. And held me.   I've wondered about him today and how he is. We learn so much here and gain so much support through mutual understanding. And despite the gains, there are still moments I just miss the person I really loved. Before learning about BPD, I would never, ever have imagined I'd be without him one day. Not that man. Not that man who deeply, deeply connected with me and shared so much.  Like so many have said, the good times were better than words could ever describe. I miss him today. So i let the tears come. Every day is a practice in healing. I find myself often spending evenings reading posts here because the evenings are the time I miss him the most. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and you continue to heal.

Your so very right. The good times were the best. But the bad times are rock bottom. Im just on my pity pot, wanting what I thought was reality with her and myself. Facing the real reality hurts. Im not the bad person she projects me as. My sense of self is about gone because I let myself belive what she was saying. Im fed up, but so hurt.

I guess in a way I want her back to prove Im a good person.

It wouldn't prove you're a good person, and not being with her again doesn't make you a bad person either. 

I know the feeling.  Right now I'm sitting here alone and she is with my kids and her family celebrating the 4th together.  My family lives thousdands of miles away.  It is lonely, and it hurt.  But I am also content in knowing that I did the best thing, even though it was, is, and will be hard.

A life worth living is a life with suffering

We can't run around trying to avoid pain.  It is part of life... .and while we don't want to foolishly LOOK for suffering (like by going back to them!), the path of suffering that leads to something better is a GOOD and important part of life.  Your suffering will not be in vain.  It will bear fruit.  Your pain right now will be worth it some day.  Or better... .the pain you feel right now *is* worth the life you have and will have.  You will see.  Everything worthwhile has a cost.  But the easy road... .you know where that leads, already... .

And that's probably the lie that got you stuck with her to begin with!

Not sure if this will help, but to me the good times were a fantasy - like trying to pretend the other stuff did not exist.

I think when we get down, which so far I haven't since going NC (I did before when ramping  up to genuine NC) we are kidding ourselves that it was good.

There may have been moments that were good, but weren't they designed just to suck you back in based on an absence of self in the BPD person's core, and they were simply seeking for that void to be filled by anyone or anything, but in essence it had NOTHING to do with you anyway... .You didn't create the void and you can't fill it... .

Wasn't it all - at least to some degree - an ACT? And isn't that freeing as in it's not your stuff, it's just them trying to desperately fill their inner emptiness and unconsciously use whoever or whatever comes along to do it... .- thereby they are making genuine relationships or trustworthy connections absolutely impossible.

So why feel bad or down to be away form that?  I mean, Phew - what a relief... .

Now don't you feel better?  It isn't your stuff and the good times were, in a clinical sense at least, somewhat of an act by them anyway. Suck you in, foil the void, then take out all the unconscious rage on you - which you were never responsible for creating or triggering either in the first place or now... .

RUN !