BPDFamily.com

OK... .

I have read many other threads on here and taken ideas and I'm writing up a list to take to mediation to work through and try and get a solid parenting plan in place.  In the past it has been manipulated and twisted horribly.   

I have seen other thread's with questions and answers but for this one help me out.  I would like to have a list of things that you found helpful, healthy and beneficial to have in place. 

1)  Boundary / Rule for the parenting plan. 

2)  Justification for the rule or boundary in the parenting plan. 

3)  Problem's you have encountered and also fixes to be implemented before they arrise in the first place. 

Thankyou for input in advance and as specific as possible would be appreciated. 

CARE:

1)

Parent A is defined as the parent whom is looking after CHILD as per visitation schedule.  

When in a parent A's care and that parent is unable to look after CHILD for any part of the evening (time including dinner time) or night the other parent, parent B will be given first preferance to look after CHILD.  If the parent B is unable to look after CHILD then parent A will then be responsible for organising another person to care for CHILD and inform parent B of contact details for this person and the duration that the will be caring for CHILD.  

2)

Justification, our son should be looked after by his parents fieat and foremost.  

3)  

Problems, she is going to ___ing hate this... .

Here's a list of things to consider for your parenting plan.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221497.msg12408548#msg12408548

The example you gave for Care sounds like a version of First Rights of Refusal. Usually the language for ROFR applies to both parents, whereas your version says Parent A and Parent B. Does she have a history of being incompetent caring for the kids?

A lot of people wrangling custody orders and parenting plans with BPD sufferers don't have much success in mediation. You might want to consider what your bottom line is. If she won't agree to what is most important to you, bring that up early. And end mediation if it looks like it won't go anywhere. Then you start working on your court-ordered parenting plan strategy, and hope that she will settle when she realizes you are serious about enforcing boundaries.

In my case, it's been very helpful to have specific "decision making" responsibilities delegated to each parent. I got decision making over education, doctor visits and dentist visits; BPDx got therapy for the kids (ironic, I know), and vision/gynecologist visits. I'm solely responsible for the things delegated to me; she's solely responsible for her stuff. That means she can't interfere, which is critical. It also means she can't just schedule appointments and expect me to take the kids to them - that's her responsibility.

I'd also highly suggest language that specifies that if one parent signs a child up for an activity during his/her parenting time, then that parent is responsible for transportation and payment. That way, she can't sign the kids up for some loopy summer activity during my work time, and expect me to pay for it and drive for it.

Parallel parenting is what you're after.

Most of our court order was written by me. The rest by the judge. Ex had nothing so nothing was put in the order. In a way, she got everything she asked for.

My ROFR is, " Each parent shall give the other parent the right of first refusal if they are unavaiable to care for the children. Mother and Father shall agree by email. Unilateral changes are not permitted."

Many on this site have had issues with the description of the amount of time in order to have to offer a ROFR. I have not and this covered my particular situation fine. I think the usual time is five hours or longer.

I am flexible when it comes to ROFR. My ex works night shifts at a hospital often and I just wanted to make sure the two boys were taken care of during those times. Ex usually goes to work before the boys come home from school and she gets home after our oldest is already off to school. This was the issue I wanted to address. Ex didn't want to offer me the time because our state views child support based on the number of overnights. If our boys slept over their moms every night and they were with me their entire waking hours the courts would consider me having zero custody of the boys. Ex has little interest in our boys unless she feels the urge to be a mom. Once the feeling subsides so does her interest.