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That being said I have no idea other then grief for the fake dream that I had/have at times.

Something I've thought about many times during these past weeks is that I mourn what it could have been but I don't miss what it was.

This resonated with me.

I could have written these words myself. It's so true for me too.

These whole r/ships are future-based.

If it's not the childlike quality they bring with their moodiness and tantrums, it's the promise of things being great once they grow up a bit more. But they shape shift - so suddenly you're grasping at a million possible futures and not just one.

You don't think you ever knew her because she never existed.

BB12

Yup.  Or what I wished it would have been, what I held on and endured way too much garbage in the hopes of reaching... .

Either she would mellow out and learn to love me, or I would finally be better, finally "fix" myself, and be what she finally wanted.  Then everything would be okay.  Nope.  A lie.

I don't even think she has any idea of who she is. These relationships are pure chaos and confusion. The attraction we have is so deep but founded on something so shallow and fleeting. Who doesn't want to fall in love? Now I don't even think I want to "fall in love", but I want to find someone I can enjoy a peaceful life with and build true intimacy.

This made a lot of sense to me. I don't want to FALL IN LOVE either!  To FALL meaning to give up sound thinking and reasoning? I FELL in love with my uBPDxw when there were  red-flag  all around. If I wouldn't have FELL in love but instead stayed upright and evaluated the situation for what it was I would have seen more clearly and not listened to what she SAID about herself.

You are correct I too,would like to find someone to SLOWLY build trust with, start as friends and take things slowly, getting to knoW EVERYTHING about each other along the way. Building up the intimacy for each other one block at a time so the foundation is strong.

No I will never FALL head over heals in love with someone ever again. Yeah I FELL in love with my uBPDxw... .I also FELL for all her lies and Bull$hit too!

Hi all

Great topic... .

I don't think I ever knew him either, (he didn't know himself who he was since there were so many 'parts' to him).

Like yourselves I fell in love with the person he could have been, the beauty inside him (but wasn't willing to sustain or put in the work to stay that way). In his mind there was always an excuse or someone to blame and I doubt he will ever change.

It was only a dream and now I have begun to wake up, slowly and groggily albeit.

Roller

From what i have researched, the new DSM is concentrating more on the lack of understanding self and others.

The Chameleon quality to BPD ie ways of dressing, values, becoming the projected object of others, trying to become the perfect love object, reveals a lack of any knowledge of themselves.

Labile

Hit the nail on the head!

Yep, I have really come around to understanding what projection is. You hear this from actors in soap operas, or rockstars, they meet someone in the street and that person has projected their inner life, values, onto the False Object they play. The disconnect is unsettling for both actor and viewer.