BPDFamily.com

So my uBPD friend and I discussing about planning meeting and it basically went along the lines of

uBpd:  "no its cool, i know everyone's already tired of dealing with me"

Me: "You are important to me. I really do care about you and what you think and feel. I understand that you feel like no one wants to deal with you and you feel hurt by this. I can see how upsetting and frustrating that would be for you. If I am wrong then correct me."

uBPD: "please don't make assumptions about me and i'm tried of other people trying to get me to tattle on and its really annoying. I don't want other people in my business anymore"

Anyone can tell me what is up? I still haven't replied to my friend and I just don't what else to say after? PLease advise!

Dont use the word "understand". It can be invalidating, because you don't, you are not them (that will be their view). If they want to hear you say you "understand", don't be tempted as that can be a green light to validate everything they do as justified. Hence later when you don't agree with them about something they will say "but you said you understood, so whats changed your mind or where you just lying?"=delayed invalidation.

I am trying to eliminate the word "understand" from my vocabulary. It can be presumptuous, and it can over commit you. Even when bluntly asked if I understand, I will rephrase it as what I can see/perceive. It can be like giving them a blank cheque if you are not careful, as their interpretation of what you understand can be different to yours.

Alternative approach used in the second part of your statement is better

>"I can see X makes you feel uneasy"

>"Am I correct in thinking X makes you feel uneasy?"

There is no presumption on what they are thinking. You are asking. Asking is usually the best validation. Prompting rather than dictating. Subtle, but to them it isn't.

Also dont try to say too much validation in one statement, the good stuff goes over their head and they just latch onto the one perceived negative.

Thank you so much! Yeah I really need to get rid of the "I understand thingy".

I just have another question regarding psychoanalyzing. How can I do validation without psychoanalyzing? My uBPD friend hates that and sometimes will claim that I'm psychoanalyzing them and they don't want to talk about what they are feeling.

Say less, and concentrate more on not invalidating rather than validating. Your default mode will then be to say nothing rather than overdoing it. That way you dont come across as trying too hard like you have swallowed a therapy book.

Aim more towards asking questions rather than voicing an opinion.>eg "Is it hard to feel that way?" rather than "it must be hard to feel that way"