BPDFamily.com

Ok... Besides dealing with the everyday roller coaster of life with my BPDw I have an extra 23 year old step son who is basically a career stoner... He had a good job and blew it after a few months and the wife keeps giving him money enabling him etc... well 4 months ago he tore his ACL so came with us to live... .he know that he would probably be released on July 3rd to work and the area I live in we have way more jobs then people wanting to work... .so the agreement has always been get released start working stay about another month to save up and move back out on your own... .well he goes and gets stoned each day so he cant pass a pee test... wont go get a job flipping burgers waiting tables or even delivering papers... well the move out date we set for Aug 10th and rate he is going he cant even stay at the local Y... well of course I figured I would have the abandonment issue with my wife with him leaving but the thing I didn't expect is the its all my fault I keep getting thrown at me... I didn't even meet this guy until last June and he has been a druggie since high school... OD couple of 3 time etc... Anyway I plan on sticking to my guns just wanted to know if anyone has experienced issues with grown children and there BPD spouses and troubles like this or other and how they got through it because I have a feeling closer that date gets here the harder and harder its gonna be for me... .Thanks... .

I know your pain well. I have been married for 27 years. The BPD demon flared to new highs about seven years ago when her health began to fail and she became mostly shut-in. Our children were never held accountable for much of anything and were caught up in her anger toward me almost from the time they could speak. My 19 year old son was drawn in when she used him to obtain street drugs to help her with pain management. Without any friends, a job, and dropping out of college; he became a shut in as well but for daily trips into the City for drugs. They both ended up addicted and our bank accounts empty. According to her it was all my fault... .I was a terrible father, a terrible husband, and a terrible human being and they were simply finding relief. It was the first of several life altering episodes with her and a catalyst for me finally facing down the disorder rather than retreating in fear as I had done for decades. I agreed not immediately divorce and remain in the home if they both went into withdrawal programs. I closed bank accounts, set up new ones, and removed her access to cash and pawnable valuables in the home. I also helped him get a good paying job that conducted random UA's (he also smoked MJ) and advised that should he lose it he could come for his belongings but could no longer live with us. I made it clear to both of them that should she let him back in or find ways to give him money... .I would be leaving (making his parents continuing marriage his issue). We went through about a year of trouble as she demonized me constantly for being a cruel and uncaring b*sta*d. I took rent, insurance, and phone money from him weekly. While she made excuses for him and continued to rage I continued to both press and encourage him at every opportunity. He's 25 now... .still with company and well liked, drug free, and has an active social life. Instead of chasing drugs he's chasing women at the clubs. Its not the best situation but he's 25 and catching up. My wife is still raging occasionally, but much less so as its hard to deny the progress our son has made. I've given him most of the money I collected back as he had special needs (ie; car, medical and travel) and shown continuing responsibility. I continue to press for progress, though less forcefully as he grows. She's mostly shut up with the criticism as our son continues to reinforce that he's much better for me taking control. My shame is I should have done it when he was 10, not 20. Good luck brother, hang in there... .its supposedly the darkest before the dawn.