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I was recycled more times and just again last few weeks... .and yes, I was seduced YET AGAIN last nite and had sex for the 2nd time, could have been 3 if you counted last week when I had the stones not to... .( I left at two in the morning, she texted this morning and asked if we had sex! I told her she was more loving and passionate then shes ever been. She told me not to text her ever again, how many times have I heard that! To which I said "Im sorry your crashing... .feel better"... .she responded... ." later" They function in another reality... .add addiction... .and god help you.

 She has a bf of 4 years who she has also broken up with a thousand times and cheated on with more guys then I would even like to imagine. I know of about 10 myself included. So, I reminded her in detail of the 4 hour event she alleges to have blacked out... .she told me to F*ck off and dont text as I mentioned... .then she texted back...   It never ends, they will never end it. No one is special. I am not special. She made me feel so young and alive again... .and still sort of does. BUT... .They will always always cheat and lie and justify it.  Yes, yes, I know this about me allowing it. I get it. Im fighting it with all I have.

So... .and dont kill me for saying this because it sounds like a rationalization... . BUT... .If you can turn your mind into using them as a hit and run on your roster, it reduces you to their level. AND YET, its the only way to be with them if you are obsessed and cant detach. No matter what, you end up rationalizing your pride and dignity away. The work is to make that MATTER again.

What do you miss has been asked over and over? Being lied to and cheated on all the time?

Yes, when you are having sex with them its incredible but really thats only because they have you so impossibly jacked due to their sparse controlling come here go away rationing of their affection. You truly dont know if you're going to ever get that mind blowing sex again from them. It keeps you ruminating and in a state of relentless ptsd.  Most of the time they dont know they are going to allow you until you're just into it. Crazy.

Yes they are all different but their similarities are unreal. If you do the above, and she allows it... .she will make you suffer, and I still can not decide if shes making you suffer because she enjoys it or she just cant help doing what she does to survive in her head... .I CAN tell you that mine has no regard or empathy for ANY pain or discomfort she causes at all EVER... .its ALL about her. ALWAYS... .she is the center of her universe and no matter what, no matter what she has done, its someone else s fault... .ALWAYS. When I talk to her I just can not believe the total disconnect in our conversation. Walking on eggshells is an understatement.

If you go this route you will probably stay stuck for a very very long time. You will NOT be able to find a normal loving relationship with anyone... .so you have to ask yourself, is this what I want, do I NOT want to find normalcy... .Have I found something to revive the emptiness even if its PAIN?

Radical acceptance to me is just accepting reality for what it is. Its just letting it be even if you hate it. Its not going to help. Like, resistance is futile, and it is, it truly truly is... .

Their stupid, insane, gas-lighting, and projection will have your head spinning forever if you dont read up on the facts and BELIEVE IT. I look back on the past year... .and I can tell you... .not one thing has changed. Except me. Shes the EXACT same, and she continues her journey and self sabotaging destruction. She is chaos and drama. Not one day to the next. One hour to the next. You will feel AMAZING and then CRUSHED in 20 minutes. And god help you if you are critical back... .Unless of course you are BLACK... .that can last. But even that doesn't last forever. They do NOT THINK or FEEL in the same universe as a non.

The mind trip is that they are out there functioning and doing their collective things with others... . if you ad addiction to the borderline scenario, if they dumb down their pain with drugs and booze... .you are in for multiple kicks to your brain as if you were in a stampede of Buffalo buried with only your head above ground. Is this worth it?

Would it be unethical and just as borderline IF you were able to detach and not CARE and do back to them what they do to you?  Is this how they drag you down and make you exactly like them by virtue of their dysfunction and toxicity?

I'm going to be blunt. You can't really blame her anymore for what is happening to you. She offers up her body for favours and you take what you can. She does not force you to participate, nor she has the ability to hide her real intentions.

I know. Im not blaming her. Im just ranting I guess so I dont explode.

SB -- You have a unique set of circumstances and I am sorry you are in pain.  But, my friend, there is no way to rationalize this as "radical acceptance" [which does not, in my opinion, mean waving a white flag and succumbing to addiction].

As a fellow member on a leaving board, I welcome you back.  But, brother, I urge to take the needle out of your arm.   I remember your pain when she smeared you.  When she tried to ruin you.

This might be the hardest thing you will ever face, but you have the chance -- now -- to take your life back.

You can detach man.  I know you can.  I know because you want that dignity back, and you want it back bad, and there is no rationalization that will get it back for you. 

It's going to be hard as s**t.  This is a true addiction.  You're going to go through withdrawal. You need to make it impossible for yourself to get your fix.

She's sick man.  And now, by your own admission, you're sick as well.  Addicted.  It's time to get healthy. 

Just remember, you can't "use them." They always find a way to tap into any vulnerability you might have. They are master manipulators. Simply acknowledge her existence and she is winning.

Venting is venting, but regarding the deeper question posed:

An authentic sense of self comes from actions aligning with our core values - is this who you are?

splitblack,

you formed a bond in your heart.  It is too late to use her now.  The only way to be able to use her is you to break that bond. The only way to break that bond is to detach going no contact.  But you already know this.

The conflict exists to show you that You no longer need it.

perhaps you need her to break you down further to get to your core.  I did.  My only recommendation is to get the other things you got going in your life to accommodate a nervous breakdown if that is what you need to see.  Like see if you can take a few months off from work.  Then go ahead and let her break you completely for a month  and then maybe post on here a bunch for a month and see a good T then go to like a vipassana meditation center for a month try to do a few 10 days back to back.

It might sound silly to plan it out like I did but then again maybe not.

Quote " IF you were able to detach and not CARE and do back to them what they do to you"

If you were able to detach and not care you wouldn't be with her.

I cant subject myself to this any longer... .I just cant. She called before suggesting she was wasted and I took advantage of her... .she was all over me. Invited me. Seduced me. Then she said she was getting tested and if she had anything she would ruin me. As a matter of fact, she just said she hated me on the phone, and to never text her... .that it was a mistake. I agree.

I just texted her ... .told her Im sorry she felt this way... .told her to do what she must, told her I cant subject myself to this abuse any longer... .and that I was getting rid of the number and wanted to let her know. I said good bye... .  Her response... ." yea bye" 

Im doing it. Damn... .this is gonna hurt bad... .again.

This is one of the posts of 2010 that apply... .  Ive read dozens of his posts... many speak to me.

"If she is already threatening you with a smear campaign, then you have achieved a level of frustration that will only escalate if you stop talking to her. She accepts that it’s over while also proceeding to smear your name, because this is how she will (hopefully) find a new rescuer who will think she’s been victimized by you.

4)   Pros: She will find a new rescuer who will think she’s been victimized by you. ( She already has several)

5)   Cons: Together they will smear you name. Expect it and Let it happen. Don't remain in the fight for any reason and it will soon take the steam out of the persecution smear.

6)   Pros: Eventually, you will thank your lucky stars that he has entered the picture.

7)     Cons: Remaining in a hyper-aroused state of not knowing what will happen next will cause stress, stress causes cortisol, cortisol leads to a number of conditions that can become health concerns... . 

8)      Pros: the effects of the smear campaign will eventually fade.

A couple more things to ponder:

Being stuck in arrested development means there is a failure to separate/individuate without someone else to cling to, that clinging eventually turns to blame when the “surrogate parent” tries to distance themselves. Blame turns into hate, which is also self-hatred for a Borderline. So if you stay, or if you go- there will *always* be hate. It is a part of the disorder.

This isn’t an adult break-up. It’s like leaving a child. That’s why it’s very important to understand your own triggers when trying to let go. Most people have a very hard time and it’s this defuse boundary setting that creates more problems, because in the eyes of a Borderline, there is always some form of mistrust and then a reaction to the mistrust, which can seem like it’s done with intent, but actually it’s very impulsive, and that’s why you need to be firm, like a parent to a child, but while also realizing that your child HATES you and there is no way around it unless you acquiesce to their demands. If you’re going to be healthy- you shouldn’t.

It’s in the hating that you will find your way out of the attachment. Not in the clinging frustration which only kicks the can down the road.

So, if its attention she needs to feed her ego, then surely the quality of your attention (becoming boring) would do the trick. She would be off seeking attention from someone else.

If its identity, then you are going to have to suffer through splitting, and rage and a smear campaign that helps her displace her feelings about the loss of identity with you.

Your identity is what is needed by a person with BPD. Failing to have your identity, the impulse is to destroy it with a smear campaign or turn others against you because you are representative of a greater power that has now become the face of the punitive parent in their psyche. You will be accused of the worst things imaginable despite your attempts at comforting them. I’m sorry that this will happen to you, but you have to understand it as the part you are now playing in the distorted belief system of the disorder. There’s nothing you can do to stop this distorted belief about you. You see, it’s really not about you- it’s about a conceptualized punitive parent who oversees them and considers them defective for not becoming “whole.” You are currently the stand-in for this parent that lives in their psyche.

Since you are being threatened with what appears to be emotional terrorism already, the playing dead concept will only work if you really do slowly and methodically *erase the map that leads to you* in every manner of the word. That means no touching, kissing, listening, responding to veiled threats or allowing yourself to be abused psychically in any way. You just play dead. This is something that is very hard to do, because as I said before it triggers neglect and makes the clinging worse and triggers guilt (in you) which makes it harder to leave.


Let her smear campaign begin, and keep your distance. Maintain radio silence, because there is no need to bargain with an emotional terrorist who threatens you. Realize that Borderlines never really give up an insecure attachment when the insecurity is what fuels their distorted belief system.  You see, you are very useful in that regard.

If you let go, then she can find a new replacement to take your place. I know that sounds callous, but this is about need. BPD is an attachment disorder, and some Borderlines, especially waifs, buy protection out of weakness, rather than strength. That means they will appear victimized in order to find new rescuers and the insecure attachment to those rescuers will begin to take over your dynamic.

To do: create a list of “what’s the worst that can happen” and go over it with a trusted friend.

Since you don’t share a residence, if she’s making it a point of dropping by unannounced. Don't let her inside, as it is much harder to get her out again. I know it sounds harsh, but the door to your home is a real boundary.

Write a letter, post it here if you want. Watch for your own triggers- fear, obligation and guilt.

Remember, because two people should not become one in order to be “whole” –Both people must have autonomy, the freedom to do what you want and go where you wish. In order to do that, you’ve got to be separate and separated. It's a universal law.

Good luck.  Doing the right thing"

If you're really done with her, it will be the last time it hurts like this.

You'll also be able to look back and see you didn't stoop to her level.

That equals way more self respect, and much less regret.  |iiii

This post seems to be about sex and the allure of having it with someone we believe we still love and hope they love us. A long term sexual affair (whether married or not), IMHO creates a soul bond that is difficult to break. For the non (us) it is really hard. For the pwBPD I think they use their sexual skill set to entice and trap us. When reading the Bible I could never figure out the Samson and Delilah story. But since my wife went full blown BPD on 10/18/2012 it all makes sense. Read the story in Judges chapter 16 and I think you can make a case that Delilah was BPD and Samson was just a non enraptured by the sex. Look what happened to him. But in the end, tattered and torn, he prevailed.

I'm six weeks out now. Wife wanted me to "date" her. Every time I took her out she wanted hours of sex then freaked out when I left. Happened twice. Not happening a third time. NC now. Of course she just served me with divorce papers. They're all the same. We/I have to give them up no matter the consequences. Ultimately I will prevail.

My kind advice to you is run like hell away from this buffalo to the next town.

One thing that seems apparent from everything Ive read is that when recycled it is never the same.

From personal experience it was not the same as before. The trust is gone and it doesn't feel loving.

What the BPD is doing when they recycle is trying to get back the feelings they had at the beginning of the relationship. The calmness and happiness that you gave them. Due to guilt or shame or whatever you want to call it they cant make that connection again so they get upset. The only time those feelings are ever as they where is after a lengthy separation of a number of years but then the downward spiral begins and the BPD splits black again.

Now whether this is a purely emotional thing or a chemical thing I don't know but for an example I'll put it as a chemical thing.

At the beginning of a relationship a chemical is released that makes everything great for the BPD. They are happy and calm and so much fun.

As the chemical wears off they try and reproduce it again. They think its you so push you away so you try harder with them. This produces a bit more of the chemical but not much. So they keep this push you pull you thing going until eventually you've either got tired of it and stop or the chemical effect is negligible.

Now you don't do anything for them chemically so your split black and sent on your way.

The recycle is the BPD wanting to restimulate that chemical so they get back with you, sleep with you but even though it came back it wasnt as strong as before so disappointment ensues and your split black again.

I know this chemical description is very basic but the behaviour of a BPD reminds me of a drug addict trying to get a better fix.

If you don't mind being their drug dealer and wont get emotionally attached then as long as your both consenting I don't see the harm in you using each other for sex. But if your only saying your capable of this to hide the fact that you cant let go then recycling will mess you up and leave you back at square one.

Different people form different bonds through sex and physical affection generally, but it seems to me that pwBPD find a way to form that strong bond no matter what your attitudes toward sex, and then ultimately to break the bond with ease, leaving you hurt even when you didn't think it possible.  If you seem like someone who never lets emotions get involved, then they will find some way: stoking your rescuer fantasies, more intense mirroring of the area in which your self-esteem is weakest, gushing praise about your sexual prowess, something.  Then ultimately you will be left in pain. 

I am not someone who has ever been accused of not letting emotions get involved.   But, when I started with my ex, because of the many differences in our backgrounds and life circumstances etc, I truly thought there was no possible way that this was someone I could get emotionally involved with.  Still today I look back baffled at how I could possibly think I could "love" someone like this, someone who might as well be from a different planet from me.  It's absurd and I know it.  But the emotions are there and the pain is there. 

Letter to my Self at the beginning of the journey.

In truth she has corrupted you and you have let her. We do not become decadent overnight.

She holds your morals in contempt, uses your sense of honour and manhood as manipulation and control, your love and kindness as weakness.

You have been living a part time life, you have let yourself unknowingly become masochistic, manipulated, a plaything, a toy, you've justified it with sex and vanity, pretended the sex was worth it, she humiliates and shames you, smears your name, sneers at her dogs, she laughs at you behind your back and to your face. Then she cries and acts like a sweet, hurt thing when you say no. She abuses you and anyone else she can. She doesn't mean anything she says, her emotions are empty and as shallow as paint but broad and she lies to everyone especially to her self about everything, don't take anything she says or feels seriously. She is broken and breaks everything around her.

Now you know the truth about her... .

In truth there is now no 'SHE'... .it is now JUST, you.

If you put your energy into something positive it would grow, and you with it. you could find strength inside you that could change the direction of you and everyone around you for the better.

Let go of your ego, feel it, show yourself some respect. You have changed into something dark, it has a cost, the longer it goes on, the weaker you get, the longer to recover. Your body is not a temple it is a machine, it has become addicted to pain and chaos. Your real self can change this.

Draw a line in the sand and decide... .do you stand with your self or against your self. Work hard, cut your hair short, harden your body, eat well, lose all pretence, don't hide... .You are a kind, loving, intelligent man, no more, no less.

You cannot even feel properly how this has eaten you whole, take some time out. It will hurt, good! feel it... .it is weakness and poison leaving the body, cry, howl, shout, let's see if you have any mettle, lets see what you are made of.

Get well soon, don't let me down

I love you

PS dress better, you are not a slob.

I love this letter to self. Read it 15 times... .




Just a note... .TODAY... .I got a text and it said dont try hiding, I know your blah blah's number and blah blah's number.  She went on and on about how she now claims I took advantage of her and didnt wear a condom. We never wore them. She claims that I gave her something.  So I went to a clinic today and got a full blood work up. Just in case shes trying to project something SHE has and blame me. Now Im scared.

I have never had an STD or a thing in my life, Im a germ a phobe

She texted when I was at the clinic calling me a liar, that I wasn't at a clinic. So I sent her the clinics number. She said im lying. So I called her from the clinic phone which shut her up for one second.

Then she went on about something... .but it was mostly about that Im a liar and she has never hated anyone so much in her life. And if I was there right now she would punch me in the face. I am to never text or call her ever again. I said why. She said I know why. I said no I do not. She said Im not worthy of an explanation. ( Its all about the other night when her walls were down, and she let loose, I think she feels shame and guilt... .and may have made promises to her ex and broke them... .again... .but shes also dating someone else... .and I assume slept with him. I dont know. I dont care anymore. I dont. Really!)

She said she was going call so in so and blah blah to warn them about me because she knows its the right thing to do. She said I was living a lie.

My sin was to go over to her apt at midnight... .invited, an get seduced while she was partaking in various substances. She now claims I took advantage of her... .but the fact is she was all over me like a manic tornado, tearing at me, primal. She wanted me to sleep over. I didnt.  I guess she regrets it because she claims she remembers no part of it! ( total Lie, she was on FB and texting)

So boys and girls... .Im losing my number by the end of today... .I expect a smear and character assassination again... .but this time the effect could potentially be ruinous. I made this bed. I cant sink any lower. I deserve whatever karma is in store for me.

Please... .any and all of you that cant stop romanticizing about your past psycho... .and wish to be recycled just for another hit... .and I know they are not all the same... .but please dont do it. If I had ONLY stuck to NC when I started end of last Feb... I would be in a much much better place. None of this would have happened... .  but I didnt. The pain and withdrawal was horrible but I was feeling better, sleeping at night... .The couple of sexual trysts that I so badly needed I do believe have destroyed my reputation.

I have never heard such cold, evil, ice in a voice... .  and when I told her Im the personification of her punitive parent, that all the hate shes feeling is towards herself... .she told spewed at me, "you gave me a disease nice try. cant fool me. these feelings are normal u dumb fu*k . txt me one more time"... .( her texts lacked punctuation and words just run into the others... she cant be bothered with grammar )

So THAT... .was my last communication... .  And she sitting somewhere simmering with her fingers dialing someone and the terror campaign begins... .I do truly believe. Fun.

Im changing my number the minute I stop typing... .I feel dazed and disoriented by this turn of events... .I am so done.

Well new number... .  I feel like my skin is crawling off and Im so agitated, I keep looking at my phone and I know she cant find me now. She would have to show up at my house. She doesn't even have an email address and we are not friends on FB.

Im with my young son tonight... .taking him out to eat, playing some tennis... .  distract, distract.  Her last nastiness ringing in my ears... .there was more... .  somehow I also became a " selfish son of a b*tch"

Brace yourself SB. She can and may say anything. She could even charge you with rape. Especially if she was clawing at you. Did she scratch you?

If the STD comments are coming out of no where I imagine she could be projecting. And given her promiscuity it's a real threat to you. I hope your results are ok.

I have that underlying fear too, even though my exBPD wasn't promiscuous I will never know if he slept with my best friend before/ during our relationship. They both said no. She is very promiscuous and has several f buddies and uses no protection. Most are young guys in their 20's. In fact when I first told her I was with my exBPD her first words were " did you use a condom?"

I don't want to know. I'm too scared to know. There was always something going on between them and when she became my replacement I feel like maybe they did both lie about what had gone on between them. I feel sick about it.

Big lesson here for both of  us SB. Not that I ever want to have sex again but ill be damn sure it's safe if I do. It's more than playing with fire. It could be a death sentence.

I've just spent 4 months doing nothing but things with my boys. Throwing myself into my work and grieving the loss of the friendships with my 2 friends I loved the most in the world.

Refocus SB. Learn from this. Peace and good health 

I took a strong anti biotic shot and a script as a precaution. Results in 4 days but things went from bad to insane and Im at a loss... .Ive been seriously blackmailed again. Im starting a new thread on it.

Hard lesson learnt  :'(

You have no idea. But with this... .she truly is dead to me.   :light:   When she does call again and demands money which is a crime... .I will try to record it, but Im going to tell her to do what ever she wants... .and that I may or may not retaliate with intel I have, and give it to her current bf. I wont, but she doesn't have to know that.

Im not going to reduce myself to this sub human level.

For what it's worth no reaction at all has worked for me. My ex has done some damaging stuff since our split but I've not reacted or responded to anything. And now he's lost interest.

If you are truly ready to move in from this NC. You don't even have to tell her you're doing that, just never speak again ( or email or text or FB) nothing. You don't have to speak to people who are dead to you. They don't hear and you're losing more dignity.

Let her do her damage. That says more about her than you. Trust me. NC from this minute and you will find peace. 

Any contact is still a RS, you are still attached, you will get hurt again or postpone any healing and moving on.

postpone:

verb

cause or arrange for (something) to take place at a time later than that first scheduled.