BPDFamily.com

We all read around here a bit and for me I have been going through these forums as sort of, im not sure, they help me keep myself in check for wanting to reach out to exBPD partner. 

I find being more involved here is helping me to 'face the facts' of what has happened, what I'm going through and what is more importantly happening to me emotionally. 

I know that for me to feel was to betray her hence I shutdown emotionally for so long.  Now I have all of these feelings again and when they used to align with hers I would get that hit from her.  Hence walking on eggshells particulary with feelings and emotions.   We don't know how to feel anymore, well that isn't true.  We have suppressed our feelings for so long that the only time we had good feelings was when they aligned with our ex partners.  So we basically shut down all apart from what pleased her and even then the goal posts moved constantly on us so we had no consistancy?

A few threads have had senior members post that it is like an addiction, I asked myself a few days ago about this and for me it is true.  The drama, the high and also that hit from someone mirroring you back briefly. 

For me, this is so true, I question if I am allowed to feel this, is it acceptable.   Will their be approval of me feeling this, I can't validate my self as I wasn't allowed to for so long.  I'm sure there are more parts to the puzzle I just want to know others thoughts?

I am working through mine at the moment and I'm a bit stuck here with the trauma bond stuff and how it has happened emotionally and the whole process.  Does this lead to the addiction ?

I'm starting to understand it and not deny it based on others experiences and some of the examples I have been through. 

Others views would be appreciated here, what is your interpretation of these two things, are they linked or separate?

It is acceptable to feel any feeling that might cross your mind. You should validate it yourself. But try to train yourself to watch your feelings rather than judge them. Be curious not judgmental. We are all humans and we have the right to feel any feeling wether positive or negative ot even mixed.

Trauma bond causes addiction. Trauma bond occurs when there is a lot of push and pull. We get confused about what has been happening ? We even question our own sanity. Add salt to the wound we dont get closure during break up to sort out things. We are left with lots of shame and guilt and confusion. The addiction comes mainly from your ego trying to "fix" stuff that the FOG is telling you and you are buying it.

It is quite linked your thoughts and the addiction. For example you feel if iwas more loving or patient with her. Then u dont validate ur feelings of confusion and fantasy. You are judging your emotion that you are bad gor thinking so while you dont watch what u feel examins it without judging and be curious about what has lead to this train of thought. Not validating your feelings leads to shame and shame gets you stuck and addicted

Aussie JJ:  So much of what you write resonates with my own path to understanding.   Have you read: The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0)?

The book is very powerful, and it opened some doors to understanding for me.

Here is why I equate my experience with "addiction" -- or perhaps a better word is "compulsion" because "addiction" sometimes stops people from exploring further (since the term is so often equated to drugs or alcohol).

A compulsion is defined as "an irresistible urge to behave in a certain way, especially against one's conscious wishes."  And according to Patrick Carnes, who wrote the Betrayal Bond, trauma can condition, or shape, us toward repeating unwanted behaviors over and over.

You describe the conditioning very well when you said,  "I know that for me to feel was to betray her hence I shutdown emotionally for so long.  Now I have all of these feelings again and when they used to align with hers I would get that hit from her. "

The reason I have equated my own craving for contact with my ex-girlfriend as a compulsion, or addiction, is that the "fix" I would get was a temporary balm.  The more I learn to self-soothe, or merely sit with my difficult feelings (in meditation), the more I "re-train" my brain -- or more importantly, my unconscious -- to understand that I do not need a "fix."

The fact that you have identified the internal process for yourself -- when feelings aligned -- gives you great power, because now you can actively see the "process" that reinforced compulsive behavior.

Does this make sense?  I don't claim to be an expert -- but the questions you raise linking the trauma to compulsion are similar to my own inquiry.

Going to re-read it a few times actually... .

The more the last month and a bit I have concentrated on me and writting stuff down the more I am aware of all the BPD behaviours as well. 

Now it hurts even more seeing her relationship pattern with me and now seeing her behaviours and knowing their is someone else. 

Thay abandonment thing is so powerful. 

Personally I do feel its an addiction.

It reminds me so much of giving up smoking but about ten times worse.

Why cant a relationship produce a chemical affect inside of us?

We often hear of adrenaline junkies who stimulate the adrenal gland to get that rush so why cant this be done with other chemicals our bodies produce?

Schwing has a fascinating post from a couple of years ago about the biochemical reactions in our bodies to the loss and recovery (intermittent reinforcement) of intense romantic love. After reading it I realized it wasn't "like" an addiction, it IS an addiction. It explains a lot about our behavior and why strong good choices (within or outside the r/s) are so very hard. The prospect of losing our supply of that chemical high is a powerful deterrent.

I remember reading this on the web but not here. about neurotransmitters and how they are affected after abusive relationships in the same way as an addict having withdrawal symptoms. serotonin, gaba and dopamine changes.