BPDFamily.com

I am still getting over a devastating relationship from a BPD exgf.  It hit me extremely hard and I had a breakthrough moment realizing me trying to understand my ex gf reminded me of the shame of feeling like my love was not god enough for my uBPD mom who eventualy moved away.

I grew up with a highfunctioning clusterB step mom and a cluster B brother and my dad with anger issues. They are all stuck in their own world and have no understanding of me or who I am.  WHen I am around them I begin to become very disorganized and they constantly shame me and define me as this person who is really just a reaction from their abuse.


all this messed me up.

I have a pattern for getting with clusterB feamales for relationships and each time I get my life plan off track and it ends up destroying me.  It is my self destructive pattern relationships with clusterB women in which I give too much of myself.

I am so new to the PD lingo and had to look up what cluster B meant.  My mom is also an incredibly high functioning cluster B (BPD).  My father too.  They both had high paying jobs and both could deal with the public fairly well.  But behind closed doors was a different story... so much alcohol use and constant medicating.  Such intense high emotion and tears and sorrow.  My dad would rage and my mom would shut down. 

I am so sorry your family is still trapped in this.  It's also understandable why you end up with BPD women given your history.  And because of what happened with your biological mother.  No doubt there is a lot of pain there. 

  As I am going through my own dpt therapy (I am diagnosed BPD) the more I no longer can tolerate the same unhealthy behavior in other people.  I just can't do it anymore.  Three years ago I was in a relationship with a man with the same issues.  We would self medicate, constantly try to "save" each other, could not put up proper boundaries.   What a mess.  It makes sense that we try to recreate the same type of dysfunction with our significant other that we had with our parent.  But it is a trap we can get out of successfully, but  could take some time. 

Thank you for sharing blubee :)  It is so difficult to come to terms with its not like we had a choice where we came from you know?

in my family it was more that my step mom had no empathy and trying to explain things to her even though she just knew she was right.  So for me having emotions is something I was likely to be punished for so I didn't realy learn how to regulate them very well. I had anger issues over not being listened to or understood as a child.  Whenever I tried to explain things to them it was as if I was being punished being lectured as if I was in trouble, my step mom shaming me.  Being sent to my room and not being allowed to come out.  My only escape was my imagination.  When I lock eyes with a borderline chick it just clicks for me idk. I sometimes wonder if I am borderline?

Blubee how did you begin to realize you are borderline?  And I commend you on pursuing the DBT therapy that is really awesome of you.

Blubee can I also commend you. Blimblam and Blubee  *welcome*. Blimblam if you are BPD then there's plently of help these days. Regardless of if you are or not, therapy can help both ways. There are also some excellent books to recovery if you need the low cost root. As a child of a BPD, we all pick up aspects of BPD. You should find this forum very helpfull at validating your childhood experinces, which is a good starting place on a road to recovery. As for your opening post - it all does sound all to familiar. There's a Clash song with the lyric "I wasn't born so much as I fell out, Nobody seemed to notice me", which echos your first post. By landing here, you're on the road to recovery. 

I really do not think I am borderline disordered but I definitely have a lot of internalized truamas I need to deal with in order to function properly again.

It makes me think of that phrase, "form follows function,"  I don't feel my mind if functioning properly right now so my form as is present represents that.

My form is only where I am at currently in my journey.

We don't choose where we come from and we are all at different points on our path.

We don't choose where we come from and we are all at different points on our path.[/quote]
Hi Blimblam :)  I really like what you said.  This is good validation.  It's sort of the beginning of accepting yourself.  No one chooses to learn borderline traits as a child.  Children are innocent.  It helps to be easy on yourself to seek recovery.  I think about this for my children as well.   DBT is a wonderful tool for ANYONE.  I agree with HappyChappy.  You don't have to be diagnosed with a disorder to seek help.  And I also had a very difficult time coming to terms with it. 

Whether you are borderline or not, I wonder if maybe you share some of the pain that these borderline women have.  It can very bonding to share  similar struggles.  But then you may get sucked in without the proper tools to keep healthy boundaries.  Just a thought. 

I knew since I was a teen that something was not quite right with the way I behaved and thought. And I could link it back even earlier than that.  I know I can't get into detail about it on this particular forum, but I will tell you that 2 years ago I was properly diagnosed.  And that is many years to be in the dark.  Everything finally made sense. 

And thank you for the warm welcome HappyChappy  :) :) :)

Welcome to this board, Blimblam.

A lot of people start out on the Staying or Leaving boards before realizing they chose partners with BPD because it felt familiar. You are not alone. I would like to point out the Survivor's Guide over in the right margin. We will be here to support you as you move through the stages of Remembering, Mourning, and Healing.

Feelings of shame are very common for children raised in a BPD environment. You might like to take a look at a thread featured here a few months ago,   

Healing - Shame in Adulthood and How We Move Forward as Children of pwBPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=218299.0). Facing our shame is an important part of the Mourning phase of the Survivor's Guide.

Are you currently receiving any professional support to help you work through these issues from your childhood, Blimblam?

Wishing you peace,

PF

pf change

thank you I will read that thread thank you for the suggestion.

I have not received treatment yet but came to the realization that for these next steps I will need assistance. 

I need to cry in front of someone and not feel ashamed.

I have cried in front of others but only when it was empathy for someone elses pain.  Only on maybe 2 occasions ever have I allowed myself to cry in front of someone facing my own inner shame.

I have been reading through the steps at the right of the page. 

I also have been reading a book about cptsd which has been helping also.

I feel like I have been making a lot of progress and I can feel in my body what it is I am dealing with.  A lot of meditation and self reflection feeling my feelings and being honest with myself about the various emotions that arise. 

The way I see the world has changed significantly.  I can see patterns of dysfunction woven into the fabric of society and I don't feel resentment or angst about it.  It is what it is.  Boundaries have began to naturally arise within me out of compassion for myself rather than fear.

Mindfullness has been a major part of my healing and just trying to see things as they are. 

Welcome to the board, BB. You'll find great support here!

I congratulate you on landing here... .months earlier in the process of coming to BPD Family as a Leaver than I did. You're on the right path for healing.