BPDFamily.com

I constantly sympathize with her and view her as a person that chose to screw me over at every turn. But in reality, I don't know how much choice she really had. It's all so hard to come to terms with. I have a lot of anger that I stuffed down and I need it to come up. Once in a while I feel it, but it's hard to find sometimes.

Everything was turned into her being the victim, even when she abused me. I just cannot believe someone would treat someone like crap and then blame them. Take everything from them and then throw them away. Also, anything that was shared between us, that we had to give to one person when we broke up, was also turned into her being the victim and she would constantly harass me until I gave in and gave it to her. I spent some 10 years feeling on guard constantly. Eventually my self esteem got so low that I became a blazing narcissist for a while. I feel like my humanity was taken from me.

Anyways, I posted this to vent and ask how you guys deal with anger and how you find it and face it. Thanks.

As odd as it sounds, the documentary Some Kind of Monster helped a whole bunch. You get to see other people coming to terms with their anger and realizing that if they use the energy towards something creative or productive, it's much more beneficial for them compared to taking their anger out on other people.

There's no right way to do this, but it helps to have a competitive hobby of some sort. Stamp collecting isn't competitive, but something like men's league soccer is. Not to mention, you're out doing something fun and enjoyable that gets your blood pumping. This is not a bad thing.

For me, I play guitar and I do a little bit of racing here and there, both in real life as well as on the computer. I can't deny that before jumping into a kart, I've looked at a few triggering text messages beforehand to get an extra shot of adrenaline. And the stopwatch & time sheets don't lie - it makes me drive better. Instead of lashing out at other people or remaining in a foul mood, it all comes out through my right foot. At the end of the day, I'm out doing something fun and exciting while she sits in her room crying that everybody is out to get her.

Same goes with guitar. There's a certain vibe you need to tap into to play well. Everybody has a different way of getting into this "zone" - I achieve it through anger. It works, I can't complain.

But it extends to other aspects, too. Knowing how much this has messed with me, I'm more aware of the fact that other people might have things bothering them to the extent that this has bothered me. As a citizen of planet earth, you have certain responsibilities and one of them is to look after your brothers and sisters. I'm much more social and friendly towards others than I ever have been before, because I know how much others being like that towards me helps me on a bad day. On top of that, I put a roof over my head with my own money and live independently - again, doing it because I knew how much it would make her rage if she tried to recycle me again, only to find out I'm much better off than she ever will be. Now, I can take a step back and go "oh wow, I did it, this is nice... ."

I play guitar as well. With a guitar you can have a major work out and release anger and end up relaxed at the end. I have increased my skills a ton since she left. I can play guitar and go into it with aggression and intensity usually to start with for the release. I play something by Slayer to release and then finish off with the other end of the spectrum The Avett Brothers for a more positive real world cool vibe.