BPDFamily.com

Hey guys,

I read a few times that partners of pwBPD tend to show BPD behaviour/treats after some time. Simply because you're faced with certain behaviour and it becomes normal or acceptable for you after a while.

I've notived that I've:

- been thinking and speaking about suicide

- have had a few extreme outbursts towards other people, including screaming and feeling like I could hit someone

- started reacting more blameful towards other people hurting me

I'm not proud of it but I really notice I am.

What about you?

I certainly feel that being with someone who routinely acts out somehow de-sensitizes you, and you stop noticing how weird these irrational reactions are.

But I hope you're getting lots of support if you're having thoughts about suicide ... You need to look after yourself.

Hi zini

We care about you.

I am worried about your wellbeing, reading that you have suicidal thoughts. Do you have support from a T or a Helpline?

No not really. I've tried getting a T but for some reason I'm not diagnosed with anything coherent therefore have to pay for sessions (100euro's each). I do think I’ve painted too good of a picture during the intake, it’s what I’m good at. Not asking help, saying everything is fine... I have no recollection of my mother alive or dying, I do have one memory: We’re at the hospital bed where she is, yellow skin, and has died. I’m at one end of the bed with my brother, my father at the other side with another brother. They’re all crying. And the only thing I could say was: ‘Look, I don’t have to cry!’ I was 5 at the time.

I’ve called the clinic today again to get a second opinion as I don’t feel I’ve been complete the first time, and things have worsened since. My dBPDbf’s coping mechanisms are activating my fear of abandonment and feelings of loneliness, and I don’t feel I have a choice. I don’t want to leave him because I feel there is a lot of good stuff happening that is worth the while, but I also don’t want to continue this way. He mentioned it to his T as well, who has offered that I can join one of his sessions. Will discuss that with him this week as I think it would help me. Us.

Thanks for the support.

Hi ziniztar,

Feelings = Facts, is the biggest BPD trait that I display.  Or maybe it's too hard to objectively view ourselves.  This is the one I'm most aware of though.

I can really get myself worked up believing something that I have no idea if it's actual fact or not.  I believe it, therefore it must be so

I've accepted it's a part of my general make-up.  What I do with it, is what makes the difference.

Hope you're having a good day

Good to hear that you have called again the clinic.

As for attending one of your bf's T sessions, I would think carefully if this is now the right moment or if you need a T for yourself first.

Sometimes we reflect our environment.  Many BPD traits are just extremes of common human traits. Being around this behavior can simply inflame the seeds of what is already there.

As you learn about BPD traits you will also start to notice some of these things in yourself. It can be quite an eye opener and one of the reasons why we end up improving ourselves as part of the process.

The biggest one i picked up in myself was mild triangulation. I was quite disgusted with myself once I saw it for what it was.

I have started to be paranoid and have the feeling=facts in some ways.  It all stems around not being able to believe a word out of my uBPDh's mouth no matter what.  It's to the point I would seriously question him if he told me the sky was blue.

Two come to mind.  First is that a few weeks ago, I suddenly understood self-harm.  That was scary.  Not that I wanted to harm myself, but I had thoughts that "gee if my leg broke right now that would hurt less than the emotional pain I am in and give me something else to focus on."

The other thing is I notice I am more impatient, and feel much shorter tempers with people, especially drivers on the road.  Stuff that used to not bother me bothers me.  The behavior hasn't so far carried over to my BPD fiancé, but it seems to be coming out towards others when she is not around.

This is a great question--

I had worked through issues with black and white thinking that I think were related to having a uBPD/NPD mother, but then the longer I was with my uBPDh they started coming back. I think it was partly my way of coping with his BPD behaviors because he would get so mad at me if I tried to point out other possibilities of someone's actions (which he would invariably see negatively and sometimes with a touch of paranoia.)

I also found out fairly recently that I have complex PTSD from my bizarre childhood, and there are some overlapping traits to be found in both that and BPD... .so interesting.

I did lose track of my sense of self for a lot of years in the FOG with my husband, but both my T and this site have helped me find it again. :)

Oh! and this that Waverider said: "Many BPD traits are just extremes of common human traits"

Before I totally understood what was probably going on with my uBPD/NPD mother, I remember trying to explain her actions to one of my daughters by saying that her grandmother's behaviors were like some normal ones but waaaaay exaggerated or on steroids or something. Fascinating.

I think they are both forms of projection wanting to blame something external for stuff thats going on in your head. As you progress you will be able to work through these. Probably a sign of still biting your lip rather than having reached the true stage of acceptance.

I just realized a way I still act out that black and white, all or nothing thinking: if I make a mistake, an error in judgment or whatever, can I just go "oh, okay, that was a mistake. life goes on." Noo i'm ready to throw the baby out with the bathwater! I think "i'm alllll bad now!"

dang.

Great question

As part of the condition I call 'being human', we can all be guilty of being less than textbook perfect. We all have our foibles... .

Think of the kid who is relentlessly bullied at school for years. Should we ask them to disregard words and taunts, take responsibility for their feelings etc? Our environments do affect us. You'd need to have full blown npd not to be bothered by the actions of those close to you.

I've developed traits... .Perhaps they're in all of us as part if our makeup? I'm MUCH quieter than I used to be, to the point of silence if it's not safe to speak. I don't give like I used to or should, in a healthy relationship. I'm going to play the blame game and say that it's because of the environment I'm in. I have learned that healthy habits get horrendous reactions... .

I think we are all made up of complex attributes and can react, feel, think and need within a normal spectrum. The difference between 'us and them' though, is the severity and frequency.

I'd need more than a feeling or circumstantial evidence to accuse my lover of infidelity. I wouldn't have a meltdown if my call or text wasn't responded to in time. I don't see people who are not exactly like me as being mentally ill. I respect and understand that we are all different for a multitude of reasons and embrace that.

Black and white thinking, confirmation bias and cognitive dissonance can make for people who are reacting to their own minds and if you're on the wrong end of it, it can be difficult to ignore, whilst maintaining a healthy relationship and mind.

If you think of the work we do here also as a way of ironing out our own issues, and not simply a chore to enable us to interact with a pwBPD it makes that choice more palatable, and at times rewarding.

I am now more fully aware of me, warts and all.

I used to look in the mirror and saw this face

Now I look in the mirror and see all these :) lol      |iiii

Today I spilled a cup of coffee on the table at work, drenching laptop cables etc in coffee. That happens a lot to me. I noticed a managing director was looking at me and I thought "That's it, now they're finally finding out I don't belong here. People that fit in here don't spill coffee."

Hahahah. I had to laugh at myself for the stupidity.

When me and dBPDFbf got together we both acknowledged it was gonna be hard. I talked about my general abandonment issues and he talked about his BPD and ADHD. It was quite the conversation at the time. I do know that I'm forced to fix my issues as they are affecting him and his progress as well. And him being affected affects me, therefore, I'm doing myself a good favor in dealing with my own stuff.

My coach said "yeah in terms of working on your own issues you're not going on a nice road trip, you're running the marathon now".

After almost 10 years of being with my uBPDwife some days I start to question if I'm the one with Borderline! Seriously, it is a blackhole.

I never realized it until I found this site, but for years before I met my wife I had been active in triangulation in my family, silent treatment, and emotions = facts. But I have actively started improving on these character flaws since coming to bpdfamily.

To this day I still have problems with giving silent treatment. Not so much anymore because I want to hurt or punish others but rather because I still have a hard time processing and sharing (being emotionally vulnerable) with someone who has hurt me very badly. Personality disorder or not, we're all human and have our own character flaws to improve upon.

Sometimes I have a lot of rage. I did martial arts and mma years ago and this keeps me sober to keeping things in check so far.  I replay in my head how I would beat down the guy she cheated with. I am ashamed I feel this way toward another person. I never thought of hurting myself until the last meltdown a couple years ago. I was shattered and still traumatized from it. Sometimes I wonder who I am anymore. I wear so many masks it gets difficult to remember I guess. I never had depression so most of these traits are new to me.

It's quite sad and also hopeful to see that so many people are aware of their own behaviour. Isn't it dr Phil who said "You can't change what you can't acknowledge"? It's also a comfort for me to read that so many people are experiencing the same... thanks. 

The mind is like a toolbox, complete with a few loose screws rattling around somewhere amongst the useful stuff 

I come from a dysfunctional family and as i've been going through a lot of stuff with my dBPDso (PTSD, different anxieties, SI, etc) i've reflected my own past. And realized that i must've had PTSD or something going, which was pretty much cleaned and cleared while I was in therapy though the initial reason was "just" major depression. I also admit wondering whether i would have filled criteria for BPD. There's some similarities, but some main ingredients were missing so i don't know. I have been prone to swift mood changes and saying stuff like "you don't really love me, blah blah" which now sound rather BPD. Also reflecting the past i think i have been overly dependent on my first husband and clearly not very good at recognizing my own needs from his needs or ideas. Some of those traits could be labelad only as growing pains (i met my first hubby when i was only 15, clearly he was my way out from ___ty childhood).

I do know i am more emotional than most people. I seem to feel both the goods and the bads more profoundly but unllike BPD's I pretty much never feel cold or numb. It did happen when i was younger pre- and early twenties (and to be honest, sometimes i really really wish I could). But I think it is just being me. I hope :D

Hi Haye,

Sorry to read about your s*itty childhood.  


There's of course a spectrum of emotions to be felt. I think that emotional instability and sensitivity are quite common in people. What separates them from pwBPD is the way we cope with them. I've sometimes wished to be a more neutral kind of person. Then again, I woulnd't have experienced the highs the way I do now either. One of my best friends is very flat on the inside and she once told me she envies the way I experience things... .

Keep in mind its only really a disorder if it substantially interferes with your ability to cope with life.

For example obsessive traits are only a disorder if they are not channeled in a healthy way, many great athletes and researchers can only achieve what they do because of obsessive traits.

Dysfunctionality,eccentricity and general quirkiness are not that far removed from each other.

Delusion and self sabotage are the biggest hurdles for pwBPD

It's gotten so strong that I have thought that I have BPD.

Including:

* Getting angry when she asks me to do something

* Saying mean things in an argument to "get back" at her

* Doing things just to get attention, instead of doing them because I want to

* 100% black/white love/disgust of her

Thats just natural frustration coming to the surface. i'm sure we've all been there.

If she was being perfectly balanced in her dealings with you and you were acting this way it would be more cause for concern.

This board is all about learning how to progress from the feelings you have and prevent you feeling quite this way by either preventing these feelings from developing, or how better to chanel them

Can't remember if I already said this, but there are some big overlaps between complex PTSD and BPD.

All these things in mental health being a handful taken from a big pool of traits. As I was beginning to see what was happening with my uBPDh I started wondering if I also had BPD. Reading about Complex PTSD showed me that even our reactions can be similar.

Life and brains are weird. And that's my official diagnosis.

Good point DreamFlyer99 mental illness is not always that cut and dry. Behind the various disorders each person has a unique characteristic, so even though a lot sounds the same everyone is individually different, including ourselves.

TRUTH.

When I grow up I want to be you, Waverider, and learn to sum everything up in 2 sentences or less.  :light:

Sound like me, but be individually different   

Hey! That's what my mother used to tell me!

lol