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Yesterday was the end. She had betrayed me about 3 months ago, i forgive her the best i could, she demanded true forgiveness, i gave it, she later on blamed me of the betrayal, we collided, since then we have been colliding more or less and lately. About 1 month ago she tells me she only felt bad and told me about the betrayal because we had an agreement, a compromise in the relationship. In the last few weeks, we breakup sometimes, end up getting together again, always with some great sex, she even waited me at ther house all naked and managed to convince me to do it with her (i was reluctant, we had reached a point of no return, we were supposed to be just friends).

Last week i grew tired of this relationship without compromise, she tried to tell me it meant monogamy, even tough she had said she tought poligamy made more sense. I started LC, and becoming distant. She started being depressed, saying no one would care if she died, talking to me on text messages sometimes in a way she meant "Sorry, you should find this boring, i wont talk to you". I would say, "nah, you can talk as you want, im listening".

Yesterday was the worse day, tried to sex me up with text messages, didnt fall for it, we started talking about the relationship, i said i was sorry for the times she felt like i had hurt her. And she starts saying the betrayal was nothing compared to all i had done to her, etc etc. I got angry and basically threw in her face all the rage i had inside for her doing it, then trying to blame me, then she said it was her in angry moments talking (no, it wasnt). And for the lies, as she said she would get away from the guy she betrayed me with. But some weeks later she adds him, because of a game on the tablet where he would send stuff to her. Great, i couldn't take this all anymore. This added to all the rest. She blocked me on facebook, didnt answer any of my calls or text messages anymore. Today is the worse day. I feel really crappy, like its my fault and i know it isnt... .

I checked her facebook account with an alternative i had and that isnt blocked, even tough she hasnt got me added. She added a guy she kinda flirted with in the past (she had added him about 4 days ago) and she was following with her fake account his cousin who was always trying something with her all the time we were together until once he said she was betraying me with him and that i had horns and she removed him and his cousin, both of which seemed to be flirting with her, more or less (she said she couldnt tolerate people saying stuff like this to me and lieing this way). This last tuesday, she talked about this guy and told me he had breakup with the girl he was with and bragged that it was for sure, because he still loved her and all that stuff. That he will never get over her and that if she just snapped her fingers, he would come like a doggy.

What the hell. I got all the evidence i collected since i was with her that she meant trouble, instability, a hole of neediness and still i tend to believe in the good side of her. Its a crap to be feeling something for someone who, i know, must be suffering a lot, true, but also makes others suffer a lot and never acknowledges their suffering... .Because she needs to be loved.

Her main interests always were books and movies of love and touching love stories. But i sense she cant truly love anyone. Many times she demonstrated selfishness. When i tried to tell her "get in my place, try to understand" she couldnt get in that position, only said i was selfish. Many times it was all about her. Yet, she said i was the selfish one.

Just wanted to open up. Thanks for reading or commenting. I needed to say something :/ .

I feel you, man.

Good to let it out.  How does one actually "demand" forgiveness, anyway?  Not right, not right.

Its being hard today. She is NC as she painted me totally black yesterday and i only want to lessen her pain, to hold her again in my arms. But im in pain as well. I'm missing her so much :/ . I came to live 350km apart from where i was, to be near her and fulfill our dreams and it got this way... .Tried to break the NC earlier (sent her a txt msg and called her but she didnt say anything) and i shouldnt break it. NC will make me heal! With time things will calm down i hope.

She demanded it because after i forgave her i was still shaken by what happened as this betrayal could mean she being pregnant from another guy. And i couldn't promise her i would be there for her if she really was pregnant of him. It was the guy that was after her for about 1 year of the relationship and that she betrayed me with (a long period of torture, sometimes she even used it as a lever for me to help her in something, otherwise she would ask him... .). I couldn't take it. I guess she let him get so close. Sometimes, when we had problems, she would go to him to get validation and stuff like that. So it was a triangulation she had there set up for her to feel better.

Then, even after she did the test and went negative i still was passing a bad moment (had nightmares and felt really bad) and she said i had not forgiven her the way i should, that i should get over it, that she would never do it again. This was a really serious thing which happened and i couldnt forget it so fast. Today, she is still married and lives with her husband that she has friended because of her son that lives with both. My story is here if you want to read: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228906.0

Even tough this whole story is nuts (my therapeut was surprised with such a crazy story). I still love her and im stupid enough to want to go to her place now and try to get it all together. My brain says no! My heart says yes!

Worse day in my life, for sure  . I must wait time to pass and hold on... .

Don't know if this is any good to you, but I'd suggest to try and not go onto her Facebook page. All it does is reopening the wounds and raise questions all over again. I've been tempted, but I know I won't like what I find on my ex's page.

My ex tried to convince me that it was my fault he cheated on me (I didn't "love him" the way he needed me to) and that is was my fault I got hurt by discovering he cheated on me (he left his secret facebook page open on my computer).

I've been on your ride and it's a cruddy one.  All we can each do is learn to trust ourselves and not let them invade our heads the way they are so good at doing.

I had a moment of weakness and went to her house this afternoon while i was in pain missing her.

She opened the door, kept me at the door but then let me go in and we talked. Things escalated again with me not eating all the crap she wanted to feed me and rebelling again against the blame thrower she was using.

She got angry, and made me go out of the house, but first gave me my spare keys because she didnt want it anymore. I was outside feeling really bad for about 5-10 min. Then i hear her crying loudly, really bad in agony inside. Damn, this was breaking my heart. I sent her messages to open the door, to let me hug her again, to make it all right (im a damn weakling, i know  ) .

Later on it calmed on, i went to the car and sent a text message to her husband thanking him for accepting our relationship during a period of the time and even letting me go inside the house when she broke the ankle (was the only way we could see each other during this period as she couldnt walk much) and letting me have dinner with them sometimes and to keep an eye on her as she is unstable at the moment and even talked about suicide as a remote possibility. He replied saying that it was ok and if i needed something i could ask him and not to blame myself too much, that he did that in the past, blaming himself for everything even when he knew it wasnt all his fault.

At the same time, she sent me some messages, saying the guy she betrayed me with was going to be a father of her previous ex girlfriend who betrayed him as well in the past (i think he has a thing for borderlines as well, he was after my girlfriend and at the same time, he was after a girl who is always posting depressive stuff on facebook, was abused and cuts herself to relief the pain). And this ex girlfriend of him, was supposed to be a unstable promiscuous girl from what my girlfriend knew from him. So, she wanted to brush me this in the face, that she wasnt going to have anything with him and making me feel bad about me putting up the possibility she would start seeing him and having anything with him again.

Thing is i actually feel a bit bad about it now. I came all way home crying compulsively. I feel like im lost. I wish it didnt go out this way. Wanted to be friends with her but she might try to recycle me or use me (i helped her a lot with statistics in university as i had to use it on my thesis, so i dunno if she will take advantage of my knowledge and ask me for help, also translated a lot of english texts to her because she couldnt understand them and wanted help).

Sometimes i question her love because of all her actions.

And yet, i still have feelings and love her. Relationships are really damn confusing  . Going to see my therapeut tomorrow. Ill see how it goes, really need it at moment .

Thanks for the suggestion artimer. She had me blocked but unblocked me. I guess she will be posting things for me there. As she did for everyone that hurted her in the past :/ . I might do what you say and stay away from that page.

Im sorry you went through the same refusetosuccumb. Ill try but the way she says one thing, then the other, and makes things a totally different way from what she had initially said. Damn, its like a knot forming in my head  . My head really aches today after all these confusions and emotional stress.