BPDFamily.com

Hi there thanks for taking the time to read this. I was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice from being in a similar relationship, My partner has BPD and in the last couple of months has been increasingly suicidal. She received intensive CAT therapy for about a year but it finished in February and she was later discharged from the mental health services. She was coping well, but she has become increasingly unstable, resulting in having to have the crisis team out. She is now back on anti-depressants. Could anyone please just give me some advice on how I can help her and how I can deal with things in the right way so I don't cause her any more distress. All I want to do is to make her happy and get her in a better place mentally, any advice is much appreciated.

Many thanks

Well, I've been in a similar situation, and perhaps my story can help you.  I'd say I went through 9 months of what I would describe suicidal behavior.  Last summer, it started to get real bad with employment stress, until she checked herself into a mental hospital for 10 days, was started on various mood stabilizing drugs, sent to an outpatient therapy, and qualified for some mental health services. 

Things at that point were mostly better for a few months, but the beginning of this year things got real bad again, I thought she should probably be hospitalized again, then she started on a new anti-depressant, and slowly was better for a few weeks, but slowly started to just feel worthless, lazy, and unmotivated to do anything.  She literally would sit on the sofa all day watching TV, and when I cam home would complain about this or that not being clean, being hungry, etc.  She blamed the antidepressants for her lazy mood or for some other side effect, so she quit taking them.  And that's when it got real bad and I thought I would have to have her involuntarily committed. 

Over the course of those 9 months, at best she would make a self harm or suicidal statement about every other day.  At worst it would be 4-6 such statements per day.  She's call me up at work, I'd worry, and come home.  She asked me to hide her extra medications.  At one point she asked me to kill her.  I WAS A MESS.

So my advice to you - 1) First, get it in your mind that you are in no way qualified or strong enough to help her.  Even trained professionals can't "fix" her, they can only persuade her to fix herself.  2) YOU CAN'T MAKE HER HAPPY.  That is beyond your control.  This has nothing to do with you.  3) Take care of yourself, and do things to make YOU happy.  For this, you have to detach (and that's nearly impossible to do) and accept this is who she is, suicide may happen or it may not, but most of all it has nothing to do with you.  4)  She's already called a crisis team, already been in intensive therapy - did those resources help at all?  I'd persuade her to continue with whatever resources work for her.  5) Seek counseling for yourself.  This is a very stressful situation, and without help, you will crack.  Trust me.

And I can tell you coping mechanisms that did not work in the long term 1) doing everything for her.  It only served to exhaust me while worry increased and she remained the same or got worse.  2) Keeping things from her that I thought would upset her.  I avoided certain conversations and certain subjects for fear it would overload her and she would reach a point of no return.  That works temporarily, but over the course of weeks or months, it became an unmanageable situation, and her being in the dark about things only caused her more distress.

Whatever your route, I've found posting here to be a good resource.  Good Luck.

Have you discussed with the CAT team exactly what is the best way for you to handle this. They are there to support you as much as your partner, though you may have to push them a little harder.

maxsterlings advice is very sound, if you can't stand back a little you will find it difficult to make important objective decisions