BPDFamily.com

Hi all!

I'm hoping that you offer insight into my unique situation.

I've been carpooling (100 miles a day) with a BPD female for 15 months.

In the beginning, we were very close and really hit it off. She liked everything I liked and we had similar habits. Over the course of our carpool, i'd surprise her with her fave candy and little knickknacks without expecting anything in return. i even let her have the monthly $10 gas card that we get for carpooling. She brought me souvenirs from her trips. I've been very accommodating with her schedule and always willing to be flexible. I became her confidant and held her up and supported her through her work-related meltdowns. It was obvious that she depended on me.

While I never came out to her and she was conflicted between her religion and "something" (she hasn't said what and I haven't pried). But a couple of months into carpooling there was indirect flirting.

We laughed and joked a lot. We just enjoyed each other and our commute. We exchanged gifts for our June birthday (11 days apart).

She warned me early on that she wasn't "a morning person" so I didn't pay much attention to her moodiness.

However, about seven months into carpooling things started changing. We seem to be having invisible fights even though we never argued. This intensity started to engulf our commute. There were days when she'd totally ignore me and not speak during our ride. When we'd arrive to work, she started getting out of the car quickly and walking to the building without me.

I was told that my generosity and our closeness may have been a trigger. The past few months, she's been giving me the silent treatment. When I try and have a conversation, I get one word responses. We are polite in our interactions (we generally say good morning or have a good night) but that's it. Although we don't talk she sometimes will call her friends and talk to them during our commute. However, when I make or take a call on the drive home, she gets fidgety and animated and starts singing, making loud noises, blasting the a/c or rolls down the window. And when I exit the car afterward she won't say our usual have a good evening.

The last three weeks she has told me at the last minute that she's not going into the office... .like texting me @ midnight.

Just last weekend we happened to get on the elevator together (this never happens) and we got off the elevator together and walked in two different directions my car.

I am strong and in control usually, which is what she likes about me. But this situation has taken an emotional toll on me. I feel so stuck and like I don't have control. I have not had a discussion with her about the silent treatment. I doubt it will do any good.

I feel myself letting go and shutting down and losing empathy and respect for her. Rather than say something hurtful to her, I'd rather just end it.

Is she detaching? Is she testing me?  Playing games?  Crying out for help? Does she hate me? I'm just trying to gain some insight before I make my break. I am worried about how she will react, but I've got to do what is best for me emotionally and physically as this dark ordeal is painful and addictive.

Thank you in advance for your insight and support... .

sixthsense

Hello Madison19 -- I am sorry this is so painful.  There is a spectrum of behavior one may encounter in a pwBPD.  Did she ever disclose a diagnosis to you, or is it something you suspect based on the behaviors?

As you learn about the disorder, there are certain things many of us have experienced -- idealization/devaluation, splitting, silent treatment, some of which have further discussion here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0)

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0)

BPD BEHAVIORS:Mirroring (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58298.0)

How are you doing right now?  Taking care of self is critical, and we're here for you.

This is a red flag, the silent treatment she's feeling engulfed. Fear of intimacy, abandonment / engulfment swing.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Fear of Intimacy (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.0;all)


Emotional immaturity on her part.


I'm sorry Madison 19. I think the best way to describe what your going through is "walking on eggshells".

I sense a pull, an attraction to her and ambivelent feelings from you. That's OK. BPD are hard to read and have difficulties with communicating their feelings and thoughts. What are your thoughts and feelings about her? Everyone is her to help and aren't judgmental if you would like to share your true feelings. Are you in love?